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Original poster

When can a child decide which parent they want to live with?

29 replies

stripeylion3 · 28/12/2013 03:31

I'm in oz so no doubt things are different here but am interested in what happens over there.

We have 3 DC and I'm about to leave but I know H will try to take our middle child as he is playing super Dad lately. This is the chronic asthmatic who H smokes around.

Any replies will be gratefully received, thank you.

OP posts:
SoWhatDoWeDoNow · 28/12/2013 04:30

Playing super Dad?

What an unpleasant thing to say. Do you consider women wanting to keep their children in their lives are 'playing' at being a mum, or as they just, you know, being a mum? Confused

You want to leave, fine. But you think your H will 'take' the middle child. So presumably, you won't actually be leaving but you will be demanding that he leaves.

Or are you leaving, in which case aren't you going to be trying to 'take' the children yourself?

How old are these children ?

Misfitless · 28/12/2013 04:49

What makes you think he will want to 'take' the middle child, rather than none or all of them, OP?

May I ask how old the DCs are?

Do you think DC2 would chose to live with your or your H, given the choice?

Strawberrykisses · 28/12/2013 08:02

If it were me I'd be obtaining medical records of the child's asthma, involving social services with regards to his endangering the child by smoking around them and obtaining bank statements, bills etc demonstrating that I was paying all the costs of caring for the children while he lazed around not working for years on end, to demonstrate how unlikely it is he will be able to properly provide and care for the child. And I'd be living on pasta and rice while I ploughed all my money into a solicitor.

RandomMess · 28/12/2013 08:03

Usually around the age of 11 the courts will give significant weight to what a child wants although the thoughts of cafcass would be looked at - so if they though coercian (sp?) was involved or that one parent was incapable etc.

Original poster
stripeylion3 · 28/12/2013 08:26

Strawberry and Random, very helpful suggestions, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
stripeylion3 · 28/12/2013 08:29

Strawberry and Random, very helpful suggestions, thank you.

OP posts:
FionasFatFairy · 28/12/2013 08:32

Stripes, you say things are different where you are. I don't know where that is, but please bear in mind that in some cultures, leaving your husband is seen as completely unacceptable and the mother will not be given custody if they are seen as disobeying the cultural norms. Additionally, (and again I don't know if this applies to you or not) a Muslim country would be less likely to award custody to a non-Muslim parent or where a parent may plan on leaving the country.

Please note, none of these are judgements, just things to consider.

Original poster
stripeylion3 · 28/12/2013 08:35

H has promised for several years running to get regular employment and has so far been unsuccessful . The fact that he will not leave the house for more than a few hours per week may have something to do with this.

He has stated that the benefits that come with the children would work nicely for him if I left.

The middle child is the easiest for him to manipulate and forcibly access once I leave.(ie, take him from school). The first is too old and the third is too young.

I wish fervently that our split would be amicable but past experience with this man tells me to keep all possibilities in mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
stripeylion3 · 28/12/2013 08:57

H has promised for several years running to get regular employment and has so far been unsuccessful . The fact that he will not leave the house for more than a few hours per week may have something to do with this.

He has stated that the benefits that come with the children would work nicely for him if I left.

The middle child is the easiest for him to manipulate and forcibly access once I leave.(ie, take him from school). The first is too old and the third is too young.

I wish fervently that our split would be amicable but past experience with this man tells me to keep all possibilities in mind.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 28/12/2013 11:07

OP, have you tried recording him? Does your phone record? If so, just set it to record and let him fucking hang himself.

Original poster
stripeylion3 · 28/12/2013 13:16

Imperial, thanks, great idea but he never talks to me even when I plead for us to discuss the situation. These little bits have popped out over the course of the years.

I wonder if you can record a phone conversation, cos the one well be having soon should be a corker!

OP posts:
FluffyJumper · 28/12/2013 13:24

Yes,you can record phone conversations.

Mosman · 28/12/2013 14:43

He sounds just like mine .... I know you don't want to stay with mummy and who could blame you he said to my sobbing 9 year old on Christmas night before walking off and leaving me to pick up the pieces.
From what I can gather of the Australian courts they work on the basis of 50/50 unless there's a damn good reason so brace yourself for that.

Lweji · 28/12/2013 14:53

Have you got legal advice yet?

lemmingcurd · 28/12/2013 15:04

Sorry that others are also in this situation it's shit. I read on a legal website that between ages of 8 and 12,the child's wishes will be given some consideration but will not be decisive, whatever that means. But you really need legal advice.

Original poster
stripeylion3 · 28/12/2013 18:23

I'm getting legal advice this week.

DS just had a bout of coughing and when I went in he was quite wheezy.i have him some ventolin and he's ok now but if I wasn't here H wouldn't get up or even notice. His medication ensures he sleeps solidly for eight hours.

That alone makes me think I should stay. Although I couldn't bear the idea.

OP posts:
Lweji · 28/12/2013 18:29

That alone makes me think I should stay. Although I couldn't bear the idea.

Why do you conclude you should stay? You can get evidence and insist on supervised contact, if he's a danger for the child. Because he is if he smokes in a house with an asthmatic child.

Tell your solicitor all you can about the situation.

Original poster
stripeylion3 · 28/12/2013 18:43

I will speak with a private solicitor this week and thick will be a major issue.

The DC worship their DF and I want them to have contact but I know he'll not care for them properly and really don't want him having overnight stays.

He never recognises when they are sick, never has any money to buy medicine and would ignore the problem til it went away, which in the case of asthma could be fatal. DS has been critical more than once in the last couple of years.

In court it will come down to my word against his.

I have moments where I am paralysed by fear of the potential outcomes of my choice to leave. H will be deliberately obstructive and defiant.

OP posts:
Lweji · 28/12/2013 18:50

Surely he cannot deny he smokes at home?
Homes with smokers are usually obvious.

Plus, who has taken the DC to hospital and appointments?
Has he been to any?

babybelle11 · 28/12/2013 18:52

Op has good reason to leave or get him to leave based on her other thread so.

Original poster
stripeylion3 · 28/12/2013 19:25

He smokes outside of the house but lights up while DS is standing right next to him and he smokes heaps so this is significant to my mind.

It has been me every time bar one taking DS to hospital/doctor and the med file is an inch thick already and DS is only just turned 7.

H will deny he smokes, deny anything said about him and accuse me of everything under the sun.

How I wish I had never laid eyes on him. (But still have DC).

OP posts:
bouncyagain · 28/12/2013 20:32

There is no magic moment when it suddenly changes from children not being able to decide to it being entirely their decision. But broadly speaking it is top end of primary school - as others have said that is about 11. The legal term is Gillick competent. Google it.

Original poster
stripeylion3 · 28/12/2013 22:42

Thanks bouncy .

OP posts:
zzzzz · 28/12/2013 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mosman · 30/12/2013 01:00

The thing is if you prove he smokes and you get to court and he says I'll stop today, that will be good enough for the judge.
You need something a bit more substantial and if you record somebody it's imam issuable if they don't know they are being recorded.

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