Mother in law trouble ... What do I do?

[Lairyfights]

This will probably be really long, I am sorry!

I've been with DH 5 years, we were married earlier this month. I've never really seen eye to eye with MIL, she didn't and still doesn't treat DH the way I believe a mother should. She never shows him any affection, but always expects him to run to her to help (which he then does), but then she will happily sit and bad mouth him. It breaks my heart to hear the stories of him being left as a child, she even openly admits that 'well he (DH) was the 3rd, I didn't have time for him he had to just get on with it.' It literally makes my skin crawl hearing her talk about it.

When we got engaged last year she wasn't bothered, both her and my FIL clearly had no interest, so we didn't bug them for any help - after all, it was our wedding not theirs, I didn't expect everyone to be as excited as we were. It upset DH but I assured him on the day it would be fine. We paid for their room at the venue, bought her the mum flowers you're meant to and did everything we could. However they still turned up late and not ready, ignored me and my family on the wedding day despite all efforts to engage them in conversation, she complained loudly at having her photo taken and generally sulked for the day. The next day she treated my mum to a long monologue about what a waste of money weddings were and how she doesn't believe in marriage (although still married to FIL they lead separate lives). I didn't find out this till later on and it really upset me, my family put a lot of time, effort and money into this wedding and very much believe in marriage and our wedding - it felt like a slap in the face.

Aside from the wedding we have also always had issues with my health. I have Crohn's disease and it is severe, I am often in hospital extremely ill on medications or having surgery. It does affect every part of my life, however I don't like talking about it. When I'm in hospital I only like my parents, DH and 2 best friends to know - I don't like to be bombarded with constant 'how are you', and I don't want to moan all the time. I know I have to live with this disease, but it doesn't mean I will let it take over my life or dictate conversations. We tell them when I am having major surgeries (usually planned a few months in advance), but to put it in perspective I am at the hospital at least once a week for tests and procedures and telling everyone about this all the time would get very, very tiresome. She takes massive objection to this and thinks I am 'pushing her out,' she wants to know every detail and everything that goes on.

This all came to a head Boxing Day when DH went to visit his family. I was ill with my crohn's unfortunately so stayed at home. Apparently she told DH exactly what she thought of me in front of the whole family. I am rude, I never visit, I ignored her on the wedding day, I never tell her what's going on, I pushed her out of the wedding, I exaggerate my illnes, she is fed up of me, I have DH under the thumb and have changed him. DH obviously fought my corner and came home soon after. He tells me he doesn't think any of the things she was saying about me and the changes to him have all been for the better (he had depression for a long time and into the first year of our relationship. Although he still has moments of being overwhelmed/sad it is no where near the scale it used to be) and that's all that should matter.

I can't help but get really upset over this. I have to face her some time but I don't want to deal with this, I don't want to fight with her or fall out with her but I'm finding it so hard to cope with a woman who acts like this, yet expects nothing but love and devotion in return. I am sorry this is so long, and maybe doesn't even seem that bad to people who post on here about abusive relationships but I could really do with any advice on how to deal with her. Just to make life comfortable for DH and I, I feel like his whole family is slowly being twisted against me and there's nothing we can do!

She sounds horrible. She has said her piece and unless she is remarkably stupid must realise there is no going back, unless she apologises.

Don't hold your breath on that.

If your dh stood up for you, then that's brilliant but in the end its his dm and he tells her to apologise and be civil or she won't be part of things at all. You can't have a civil relationship with someone who doesn't want one.

He needs to tell her the above and then let her stew, refuse to engage with her and include her unless she is civil and doesn't bad mouth you.

You might want to look at the stately homes thread with or without your dh. Plenty of parents are like this sadly, I hope yours aren't and you can build relationships with them and your current friends, so you aren't reliant on her goodwill and controlling nature in your lives.

You May also want to look at some of the narc threads.she sounds like a total narcissist and everything must be about her.

Unfortunately the best ay to deal with them seems to either no contact whatsoever or just accept that they will twist everything they are incapable of behaving normally and expect very little of them.

Your illness annoys her because it is not about her. (selfish bat)

Sorry to hear of your illness and your mil.

She sounds really mean, selfish and nasty. I'm so sorry for you and your DH. I agree with everything LavenderHoney said.

She sounds jealous of you.

To be honest, while not perfect, this is SH's problem rather than yours. I'm glad he stuck up for you. You may find things improve now she knows her place in the pecking order. You may not though!

You're within your rights to tell or not tell whoever you want about your condition and any treatment.

Be careful about judging her parenting though - families are funny structures often with unseen and complex dynamics. And hindsight is a marvellous thing. My parents could be seen as neglectful in some wars, but I believe they did the best they could at the time, as we all do.

Congratulations on your marriage.

I would sit down and write her a long letter explaining calmly, politely and clearly your answer to each of her accusations, in bullet points. Tell her you are sorry that she feels that way, but that you don't understand how you could have done anything differently given the circumstances of the way she has reacted to things over the years.

Be particularly clear and assertive about your preference for privacy over your health. Tell her the reason you keep things low-key and on a 'need to know' basis is that it a) it helps you deal better with the stress of your condition and b) you have no wish to be labelled an attention seeker or a catastrophiser by giving blow by blow accounts of your health to anyone who'll listen, and you suspect that is exactly how she would feel about you if you did. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't so you may as well do things your way.

Say that if she doesn't like you, well that's a shame for your DH, but no skin off your nose. However, it was distressing for her son to be put in such a difficult position but he has made it clear that YOU have his full support. It is up to her whether she can live with that or not, because nothing is changing in the way your DH expects YOU to behave.

Just leave that one hanging.

As for criticising the way she has parented him, the perceived lack of affection etc, - just don't go there. All hell will break loose. If your SH wants to tackle that himself one day then that's his job. Don't you get involved in tit for tat accusations.

I disagree with sending her a letter. It is based on hearsay and will only be bandied about as written evidence you are a nightmare to deal with.

Don't give her the ammunition or feed her drama. Get on with your lives, don't worry about trying to fix it- she is attention seeking- and next time she calls or wants to see dh, he can say " yes and lairy is coming so please be civil or we leave instantly"

Its not your fight. Agree ignore all the upbringing stuff, unless your dh wants to rehash it leave it in the past.

I agree you can't fight the battle of DH's upbringing (believe me, it's probably the one thing that I would love to tackle my MiL about, but to what end? What difference would it make and who could benefit now? Is it really my role as his wife to go back to a time when I wasn't around to try to retrospectively sort things out?)

I also agree that this is primarily DH's issue to resolve. What does he want to do? Is he prepared to break off contact? What about if you have children in the future?

The trouble with people like that is that they like to affect the lives if others to make themselves feel powerful.

Your MIL can clearly see how much your dh loves you so the way to get to him is to pick on the person he loves most in the world (instead of her) and that's you.

So although you will be angry and hurt at what she's done, the more dismissive you can be, the more you can minimise the impact she has had on your hubby.

Do not write her a letter - you don't owe her any explanation, and she'll only throw it back at you in arguments anyway.
Don't say a word. Cut her out. Totally. If your husband doesn't want to, you can't force him - but if thank him for sticking up for you (as he should) and ask that he continues to do so. No need to announce you're not seeing her again, to give her more drama. Just don't see her. You're don't have to.

She is toxic. Don't engage with it by sending her a letter. Why give her the satisfaction?

I agree that the letter is a very bad idea.

You write, "I don't want to deal with this, I don't want to fight with her or fall out with her"

Then don't. Just don't. Protect yourself as much as possible by avoiding her company. And when it's unavoidable, be civil and slightly distant and distracted.

So sorry to hear you're having to deal with such a horrible MIL. Two ways of dealing with her:

1. Poo on the shoe method: see it for what it is - smelly crap. Don't touch it and stay away as far as possible. Scrape it off if it goes onto you.
2. aeroplane method: let it fly over and give each come t a flight number. Try to observe without getting on the plane. I should say that I can't do method 2.

She is just trying to goad you so that you bark back at her and she can tell everyone how right she is about you. The worst thing for her would be if you just pitied her and got on with your own life. Your DH has to decide whether to roll his eyes, tell her to shut up or walk out when she does it.

Just stay home in future and expect the unexpected.

What do you do? Nothing. Anything you do will make it worse, will be twisted by her to make you look bad.

She is toxic through and through, do not send a letter or correspond.
Your dh sounds as though he had a tough childhood and she clearly hasn't changed one bit, and has now shifted her focus on trying to destroy his marriage aswell.

Join the stately homes thread, it may help you gain some knowledge of how to deal with this situation.

I think it's up to your dh what he wants to do moving forward. Does he want to carry on running around after her or does he want to use this as an opportunity to stand up for himself and inform his mother that what she said was completely inappropriate and he is not interested in helping people who bad mouth the woman he loves and chose to marry.

So I think you and dh should give yourselves some breathing space from her and think through carefully want you want to do moving forward. She isn't going to change and has shown her true colours.

Don't write to her. That will just fan the flames. Just ignore/avoid her as much as possible. She sounds like an awful person.

Oh, yes, it's all about her.

She's very cross with you, because you have taken away her son, who she always used to be able to bully, so successfully. He's changed! Yes, now he has a bit more confidence, knowing he must have some worth, because someone loves him.

Your DH may find it useful to have some counselling, to talk about his difficult childhood.

And as for you - your life is difficult enough. You will never get her to like you. There is nothing you can ever do to please her. So don't try. Be as civil as you can to her, and just ignore her nastiness as best you can.

I know its hard to deal with. But, you must stop indulging this woman in such a people pleasing way. Just ignore her. So what if she's DHs mum? Sounds to me like she's been given way too much time and attention. & she'll feed off that and aim to upset you more. I mean, its not as if she lives with you and your DH is it? Why is she such a feature in your marriage? Your DH could do with some counselling, and will hopefully get some coping mechanisms. It sounds as if you are supportive to him, which is a good thing. Sounds like he's been through the mill, what a nasty woman to have as a mother. You need to unite against a person and situation which is of zero use to you both. You can be supportive to him in this. But fgs leave the MIL out of as much as you can. You need to focus on your own life, youre not well. Dont take on anybody else's baggage; You cant do much if the rest of the family start disliking you based on her, although would that happen really? They probably know what she's like. But even so - so what, actually? Not everybody can like us in this world and we cant force them to either. Giving them attention, love & devotion - at times we think they must & should like us if we do this but if a person doesnt like you, then thats that. You have to let it go. & You can live your life and sidestep people who mean you no good if you have a mind.

Thank you so so much for all these replies! They've really helped, and made me feel less like I'm crazy and in the wrong!

I would definitely never bring up the DH upbringing with her, that's something that him and I talk about what he wants to - I cant even imagine the drama if I did!

Your advice has made me think that actually, I don't need to do anything at all and I don't need to make this right because it's not my problem! You're all right, she's not my mum and I shouldn't feel the need to run around after her sorting her issues. I've spoken to DH and he has said he doesn't want to cut her out - he really wants to keep trying for a releationship with her, so I have said I will of course go to family functions (to be honest, there aren't that many) and support him, and go when he asks me to - but I'm not justifying myself to her, as I really don't have too. And if she starts being confrontational we can just walk away. I will be there to support DH how he wants, and we have both said that as long as we are happy with each other, his mothers warped perception of us and our relationship should not matter.

I think sometimes I forget I am a grown woman (I can't think of a better way to phrase it haha!) and that my decisions and actions are valid and I don't need to defend them to anyone! Will definitely check out the threads mentioned.

Thanks again!

Good stuff Lairy

I think sometimes I forget I am a grown woman Don't we all when we're dealing with parents?

Unfortunately, some PIL resent enormously their children's partners and try to make them choose: "your wife or your mother", that sort of thing. I know this because my grandmother did that to my father - who chose my mother (who had always been perfectly civil to her MIL, and actually gone far beyond the call of duty with my father's family). My grandmother never ceased to try and interfere in their marriage, trying to sabotage it (partly because her sister had managed to wreck her own son's marriage).

As another poster said, this is essentially your husband's problem, but it looks like he is firmly on your side. You need to support him and not raise to the bait. This is quite possibly a painful situation for him (he has a crap mother, which hurts a lot), but he's got you. Make clear that you won't tolerate any rudeness from your mother-in-law and that you'll back him, but leave him to it.

Oh, and my grandmother also went on about how my father "had changed" once he started to stand up to her.

Yes, he's changed, he's not putting up with you bullying any more, you dreadful cow.

She is not the MIL of choice but you can choose to excommunicate her and if DH needs to maintain some sort of contact that is up to him. She will say what comes into her head and you just have to hope anyone who knows you will not pay any heed. Very often a family will endure diabolical behaviour as long as they're not the target. Responding only gives her twisted personality satisfaction, she will think it lends credence to her poor opinion of you.

You have enough to deal with in life medically so detach from her and be there for DH. SanityClause has a point about counselling for him if he ever contemplates unravelling those ties that bind.

In the meantime as Joysmum suggests MIL probably gets at you through DH but simultaneously has a go at him by tearing you apart. Nasty tactic. So whatever you do stay solid with him.

My nan did that to my dad too distance. She is toxic. Dad stood up to her in the end and threatened to cut all contact My poor mum . I'm the end my nan became civil to her. I visit sporadically. She's my nan, and I love her but she can be an evil old cowbag.