What can I say to my mother?

[Frith1975]

Well, this is a strange thread to start as I've never really talked about this to anyone.

The problem is my mother and how she treats other family members, mostly my father who bears the brunt of things. To a lesser extent my younger brother, who still lives at home.

She is fit and well and in her late 60s. She doesn't seem to be mentally ill (not that I am an expert but I see no signs of depression, or dementia).

1. She criticises ALL THE TIME. She finds certain things about my father (and others) very annoying but instead of talking about them sensibly, does some weird passive aggressive hinting at things. At the moment, her topics are a) she would like her drive re-surfaced b) she thinks their central heating isn't up to scratch and c) other people's husbands are better than hers. So she will point out other people's driveways or give examples of her friend's husband being helpful and then put on a pitiful face, looking at my father wistfully. She asks EVERYONE about their central heating and was whinging to me for 20 minutes this morning about how my house is so warm. I don't have any central heating. I have a stove and one working storage heater. So she turned to dad and says she wants a storage heater in her bedroom. Despite the fact she has a radiator in there... She talks at least once a week about the money my grandparents "wasted" on having their drive re-surfaced. They have been dead for years now. I know it sounds mad my talking about these 3 fairly innocent obsessions but she talks about them constantly.

2. No one apart from her is ever "allowed" to be ill. My aunty had a suspected heart attack in front of us this morning and is now in hospital. (She is 85) When the nurse arrived, mum tried to make us leave (aunty semi conscious!) When the paramedics arrived, mum started to fuss that she needed a cup of tea that very second. When the first responder ran in with the defibrillator, mum decided to tell everyone that aunty is not ill, it is because she rushed her breakfast. She told everyone that about 10-15 times, varying the wording just slightly.

She doesn't believe in mental illness and doesn't really believe that my son has aspergers, despite the fact that he is in an autism base at school etc.

3. She brings family members down constantly. The other day I mentioned my son's selective mutism and she told me that I used to have that (?) She slags off people from the Black Country all the time because that is where dad is from. Their accent, weird things about how "all" people from there behave.... Apparently I have a silly accent too (it's not Black Country, btw!) My child rearing is wrong and I am "no good with children". My divorce was "tacky" and we are not allowed to talk about it.

I'm not a loud or outgoing person and I would love to be able to cut her off when she starts. I do try occasionally but she then looks all hurt and I end up looking evil.

I'm afraid with her constant moaning today then her silly behaviour when my aunty was so ill, it has really annoyed me!

She was extremely difficult when we were growing up (sister and I have seen psychiatrists to get over that little lot) but that is for some later post.

She sounds a tad narcissistic tbh. Sadly, some people you cannot change. Only disengage yourself from them so they don't hurt you anymore. When she says things that are hurtful perhaps repeat them back to her and say 'did you mean to sound so cruel/hurtful/nasty' and don't fall for her victim games either.

Some people just aren't very nice, and it is very unfortunate for those that are related to them.

Hello there. I'll start by saying that I'm probably not going to be a lot of help. Sorry.

A while ago I met someone who does counselling and therapeutic work for a living. During the course of our chat, she mentioned that people can get to an age where counselling is pointless: they not only won't change, they can't.

I say this because it sounds to me as though your mother's issues may be deeper rooted than anything you might say to her will reach. I suspect that she would have to want to change, and would have to be able to change. And, at 60, I think she has demonstrated that she doesn't want to change.

So, I think the first thing to say to yourself is that none of this is your fault. There is no "magic key", no set of "magic words" that you can say, or could ever have said, that would change her.

You are probably thinking: "But I didn't say that I felt responsible! I just asked what I should say!" But I would reply that, I wonder if, deep down, you do feel that you should be able to come up with the "magic words" to sort it all out. I think you can take that weight from your shoulders.

After that, it all becomes a question of just trying to keep a psychological distance from it all. Very hard, because the thing about structural dynamics liek this, is that they do tend to pull one in. It is structural, by the way, because over the years everyone around your parents, and your parents as a couple, will have found set ways to deal with/ignore it/keep it all rolling on.

So, perhaps have a mantra in your head: "This isn;t great but we are all doing our best, and in a few more hours I will be elsewhere."

Sorry. I think for more intervention I think there would have to be more of an impetus for change coming from you parents, perhaps ...

Just a couple more things I should add: Nothing wrong with my dad! I don't know how he puts up with the constant barrage from her.

I would rather she was nice to him. It doesn't really matter what she is like to me for just an hour or two.

A more recent problem is that my sons are noticing what she is like and older son has asked "Why is Grandma so horrible to Grandad?"

Sorry to hear this Frith.

I have had similar thoughts about both my mum and dad.
My husband pointed out that when I would return home from seeing them I always seemed depressed and upset as they would put me down (well that's how I felt).

Our wedding made things worse and I would cry most nights due to having constant battles with them about wedding choices etc (they were helping pay).

In the end my dh visited them without me knowing and said it had to stop.
Things did improve but they'll never be the same again.

I did have it out with my mother and she was so upset that our relationship had changed, said she felt it too. But they are in their 60s and won't change now so I decided to distance myself a little.

As my dh said "why put yourself through it?"

I suggest having it out with her or don't see her as often.

It's heartbreaking when you actually try to avoid your parents but I've had to. Eventually you have to think about your own heart and sanity! Lol

I hope things improve for you.

Big hug xxx

Oh, and she is perfectly nice to people outside of her family. She has a wide circle of friends (though no very close friends, interestingly enough).

If we are out with her somewhere, she will be chatty and witty to others, then hiss ridiculous things at us under her breath, both about us but also about the people that she was being falsely nice to seconds before.

Cleorapter: "Some people just aren't very nice, and it is very unfortunate for those that are related to them."

Do you know, this is sooo true. It is both a simple truth and, sadly, one that can take a long time to really absorb.

The really sad thing about having a parent who is, unfortunately, just not very nice - or even, just not very nice to you - is that they are not, generally, replaceable. You can have horrible friends and acquaintances - but hopefully, over time, you can realise their limitations, and find other, better friends. Alas, you only get the one mother. Which leads people to invest far too much in trying to make that relationship "work". When sometimes, it just can't. And it can leave you with a really odd feeling of deep loss - possibly for something you never had. It can also lead to quite extraordinary acts of denial, and hopeless attempts at trying to "put things right".

Sadly, the truth may well lie in Cleorapter's very simple summing up.

I think Cleorapter is right, she sounds like a classic narcissist - the obsessional repetition of her desires, the fact she has to be the centre of attention.