can anyone help, before i irrationally tell my elderly poorly dp's father exactly what i think of him.

[davidtennantsmistress]

Long story short, I've been hormonal first year I've spent away from my family 200 miles from home and ds1 has been with his dad, second time occurance over festive spell, anyhow.

Mil and I spent the day with sn, ds2 and ds1 after collecting him shopping. All returned home tired but relaxed.

Ds1 immediately sits on sofa beds knee to do so but sits nicely. He's told off by dps dad. Anyhow two minutes later ds1 told again. Ds2 meanwhile for the last week has been bouncing on chairs sofas and the old man has been laughing at him.

Anyhow Dp and I told ds1 who's excited after a week away with lots of pressies to open to calm down a big sit on the floor and basically nog be the 7 yo he is. Which annoys me but it's in-laws house their rules.

Anyhow, I took ds1 upstairs to do a Lego away from ds2 I get hollered at up the stairs, about ds1 on toilet and not knowing anyone was upstairs by the old man. we returned downstairs ds1 sag down and was told in a v v aggressive manor, Que Dp to well basically let rip at his dad about the way he treats ds1 to ds2 and he's not having his family spoken to like that etc etc, if already packed the bags for returning home tomorrow Dp wanted to leave tonight, anyhow Dp and mil told the old man some home truths, basically is a vile horrible man I've concluded but I'm not rational atm.anyhow long winded point after Dp refusing to back down and basically said accept ds1 ( not Dp's) or you won't see any if us, and the old man basically said, well did, he can't think of him as his grandson as Dp and I are not married, bearing in mind Dp was 18 months old when his mum/dad meg and 13 when they married, a point Dp pointed out to him.

Dp maintains his dad said it as a cheap shot and didn't mean it ad if came out as he enjoys time with ds1, the old man the appologised to myself with a hug and ds1, thus was all before I found out what he'd actually said.

My long winded point is I want to keep the peace for Dp and mil, his dad isn't a well man, has a cyst on his brain lots of nasty illnesses which cause personality and mood problems.

Currently I don't want him anywhere near my son, at all, ds1 has done nothing wrong apart from be 7, he wasn't slouching or jumping on the furniture, he wasn't rude he wasn't I'll behaved. Moving forward I won't bring ds1 again which is a shame as he actually enjoys the visits but it's not on.

Sorry it's a ramble rant. Just need impartial advice. Dp bless him was brilliant and really did stick up for ds1 and myself which is appreciated.

Sorry I know I sound rude and disrespectful I'm really not, but likewise ds1 is being treated almost with contempt. Should we go now, should I pull the dad up on it or let it ride. We will be leaving in the morning.

You've done the right thing by having a completely understandable rant on here - rant away to us of it helps. Your poor DS. FIL sounds horrid, and if it wasn't for what you've said about his illness possibly affecting his behaviour, I'd pull him up on it. However, if you can bear it, and if DS is OK then might be best to just ignore him. Does DS understand that FIL is unwell and that that might make him mean?

Yes he fully understands the severity of it all. Fwiw he agreed to stay. And accepted the apology, it's more me getting over the vicious words about an innocent boy. I never asked or exppected a grandad role. Just fair treatment.

Dp and I have been disaplining ds2 for his behaviour.

Any other thoughts, I fully intend to have ds 1. By my side all day and to be out as much as possible. Also decided for future visits I will stay with my family 50 odd miles away with the boys, it's close enough to come there and back in a day, or we will get a cottage and suffer the moan and grumbles about it all.

You've said the old man had an illness in his brain which could well be why he behaves as he does. In which case he can't really help it, can he.

I wouldn't withdraw totally just keep a close eye on DS1 and take him away if the old man gets nasty.

I think you do what you're planning to do, moderate his exposure. I do this with my Mum who has Dementia and my children . I try to look at any horrible behaviour from her as a physical symptom of the damage in her brain, much as a lump would be in cancer.

Yes it can explain some, however likewise I'm not sure how much is the illness and how much is just well, him.

I feel a failure to ds1 in some respects, but likewise know that's me being irrational and emotional as he's my little trooper and already been through so much already this Christmas.