I wish there was an, "Is my mother being unreasonable?" topic.

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I would have so many threads on it if there was. My Dad has dementia and is noticeably declining but not yet incapable. He can still drive but can't manage the dishwasher or microwave. He struggles to remember words on occasions, repeats conversations, is prone to confabulation and forgets where he has left things. He is 75, Mum is 73. Mum is very resentful of the situation and often short tempered with him. A complaint she has repeated to me on several occasions is, "No one asked me if I wanted to be his carer." This is the, "Is my mother being unreasonable." bit. She talks as if this is an imposition, a role the health professionals have inflicted on her. My parents have been married for more than 50 years. Why does Mum feel that it is presumptive to assume she will care for her husband? She is fit, mentally acute and takes great exception to anything she feels is interference in her life. What is the alternative?

Your Dad living with you?

This must be very, very difficult for you and I am really sorry it is happening to you. Your Mum perhaps feels sad and frightened about the future and this could be the only way she can express it? Clinging on to control over aspects of her life at the moment could be due to that fear of what may be coming. I don't know obviously and am only speculating. Do you have professional support around and a care plan in place?

Hmmmm. Difficult one. On the face of it yes, she is bu. But no, she didn't ask to be his carer. She probably needs respite and support.

If there was a 'is my mum bu ' section i'd be on it.

Many thanks for all your thoughts, you are helping to clarify mine.

Joan that may be an option for the future. I'm looking in to various scenarios but impossible where I live at present.

Wild, thanks yes Mum is scared about the future but what I find difficult is her fear is all focused on herself and how it impacts on her, she has very little empathy for Dad who is dealing with an undignifed death sentence. She looks after him but it is done with tight lipped irritation and regular explosions of vitriol. Yes Dad has a consultant. Mum accompanied him on the initial appointment when the diagnosis was first discussed but has asked me to go as the family member on every subsequent visit. I haven't been able to persuade Dad to make an anticipatory care plan.

Notta, you are quite right about respite and support. I do my best, it is difficult Mum has little sympathy, tolerance or patience with Dad and as a direct consequence I have little sympathy or patience with her.

If it helps I have worked with families and people with dementia, and although never been through the experience myself, I can tell you that your situation is common. I found that families tend to react two different ways - denial of the severity of the dementia, with the families trying to cope until the dementia has progressed so far the family is at breaking point. Or they have no idea what to do now - they can see their loved one being taken away from them, they reject the idea of suddenly having to become a carer for someone who was, for so many years, their equal and partner and get angry.

My advice is try not to think of it in terms of your mum being unreasonable. It's just how she is coping, as you said they have been married for 50 years, and now she is seeing the man she loves struggling, forgetting. She will no doubt have a range of emotions that must be so hard to process.

Talk to social services, there is so much help out there. From respite centres, to home helps that come in and various points of the day, to care homes that specialise in early onset dementia to the final stages. There will be support groups in your area for your family that also may help.

It's an awful thing your family is going through, and you're all bound to have so many emotions that will conflict with each other. Be strong and stand together, get all the help and advice you can. Good luck.

Oh gosh, you poor thing :( I have been here and its the shittest of shit things. I can sort of understand why your mum is being this way - all of a sudden her husband, who has looked after her all her married life and been her equal suddenly is needing to be looked after - its scary and she can't face up to it so is getting cross with him. My mum was awful with my dad when he first got sick but when the time came that he finally had to go into a care home she was utterly devoted to him - because someone else could to the bits that it probably felt wrong to be doing for her husband.

My dad used to go to Age concern twice a week (bless him, he thought it was his job) and that did give some respite. Are social services involved? they need to be - is your mum gettting financial support? they will be entitled to financial aid, social services can help with this? Does he have a CPN?

I know it is horrible to think about but it would be useful to start visiting care homes sooner rather than later - my dad deteriorated quickly to the point where my mum could no longer cope and we had to tae the first home with a space - it was a huge mistake as the home was awful, we did get him into a new place in the end and it was lovely there. I was stunned at how different the places were - so this is something to have out of the way before it becomes an urgent placement.

I don't think he should be driving :( Is he on medication? There are medications that are known to significantly slow down the progress of dementia and they work best if they are given at the early stages - you need to push for these as they are expensive.

It is possible for folk to have respite care for a period of a week or two, or weekends but this sort of thing has to be chased after.

I would also be on a thread about unreasonable mothers as my mother can be a cow too. I feel for your mum though but realise how upsetting this must be for you

I've been here with dd, my dm was so angry and so aggressive about becoming a carer, their marriage was awful throughout my life. My mum just could not stand it. She hated the interference and the professionals who were at times dismissive and at others intrusive. She felt my dad got sick to punish her (ridiculous I know, but her reaction) As their d I did not fully understand or support enough and withdrew from the situation. I love both my parents but I could not cope with the constant fighting and confusion. Ultimately my dd ended up in a home where four years later he died. I have been devastated ever since not only at his death but also at the many regrets I have. Dementia is a terrible condition that is much harder for the family than the sufferer. You have my hand for holding op x

Already some good advice given.

To add mine;
-As someone else mentioned, if he has the 'right sort' of dementia then there may be a drug treatment which will help him somewhat. Might be work looking into.

-Secondly, I highly recommend you and/or your mother and/or whoever else you can get to (who is involved in your father's life) read "Contended Dementia" by Oliver James.
I read it after I began working with people with dementia and found it very useful. It took a lot of the stress of caring for people with dementia away.

As a carer for MIL with dementia, I can understand her frustration. She will have less and less quality of life.

Please stop him driving, he could forget how use the break at any time.

Also- look into day care services. A friend of mine works in a local authority day centre for people with dementia (or, due to cuts, those with very similiar care needs). The service they provide is great. Carers gets a regular rest and the service user, once settled, generally has a nice and stimulating (if they are receptive to activities, some are more than others) day out. It's quite expensive but worth it's worth it if the care allowance permits it.

Thanks again everyone for taking the time to read and for all the very helpful comments. Yes we have been in contact with social sevices. Mum is very resistant at the moment to any outside help. She feels that dad is not at the stage where any of the services offered are appropriate. I have tried to persuade her to at least apply for home help with housework but she just digs in her heels. Medication is a problem as Dad is on treatment for a pre existing unrelated condition and the medicines are not compatible. He did try one course under close supervision by his GP but it was not a success. Driving has been a contentious issue. I interfered perhaps a little too much when he was first diagnosed as they both had a pretty catastrophic reaction to the news. His license was removed on one GP's recommendation but he contested the decision with the support of another GP. He sat a test and passed but has been told he can't drive for more than 30 mins at a time. At present he is only classified as having mild cognitive impairment on the MMSE test, although his score is borderline with moderate. He did become very depressed when he couldn't drive as they live in a remote rural area 16 miles from the nearest town. So I am not pushing the issue. I don't think he should drive but he has been professionally assessed and being able to drive keeps his mood positive. He drives on single track roads that are as familiar to him as his garden, there is very little traffic and it is not going at speed. He has one roundabout and one set of traffic lights to negotiate to the car park he uses in town. He will sit another test in 6 months time and I feel sad but sure he will fail this one.

It sounds as if your Mum is the person who needs the services at the mo. Try a local carers' centre? They might advise you.