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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

I just don't know what to do.

18 replies

Changerofnames · 27/12/2013 20:54

Name changed as I'm fairly certain P has been reading my mumsnet stuff.

Just had a huge row with my P, I was sitting on my laptop ordering our DD a new passport when he flew into a rage, snatched the computer and started saying that he would do it as I would make a mistake. Apparently I can't be trusted to do something as important as the above

I have been with P for about 3 years and have DD 18 months together. He often comes out with things similar to the above situation and has a couple of times hit me (though he says only lightly but has never apologised and I have photos that I took at the time of a red hand print on my back.)

He never does anything around the house, though does work long weeks so I guess that is a form of excuse. Heck when he changes a nappy it requires a fanfare as its such a rare thing.

I feel so run down and like there is nothing left of me but I just can't see a way to leave him. We share the lease on a house (runs out in June) which I can neither walk out of or afford alone and my mum is our guarantor so can't risk it all falling to her.

I just feel so lost and have no idea where to turn or what to do

OP posts:

Original poster

Changerofnames · 27/12/2013 20:56

Oh sorry forgot to add, we rarely have sex and when we do I simply don't enjoy it (in fact is makes me feel physically sick) but its not really him so much as the thought of sex makes me feel sick in general.

He is always saying that his temper is because he is sexually frustrated and that if I wont have sex I have to do other things to satisfy him (I have thus far refused.)

OP posts:

Original poster

Changerofnames · 27/12/2013 21:16

Anyone?

OP posts:

Pawprint · 27/12/2013 21:22

Doesn't sound good. His rages are not acceptable.

pictish · 27/12/2013 21:25

Yeah me.

OP your husband is not a good man. I suggest you seek advice from Womens Aid and Citizen's Advice, in order to facilitate getting rid of him.

It is no wonder you can't face sex with him. The idea must repel you. No one wants to get intimate with someone who bullies them. He is not entitled to sex with you, despite what he clearly thinks, and his behaviour is nothing to do with the lack of sex, and everything to do with his abusive nature.
If you did cave in and give him more sex, he would soon find something else you are supposedly doing wrong that he could blame his shortcomings on.

He will grind you into the dirt and still expect more.
Seek advice.

Offred · 27/12/2013 21:26

Sounds terrible. Telling you you have to satisfy him is sexually abusive.

whattoWHO · 27/12/2013 21:28

My instinct is to say leave him immediately.
He is a bully, and your last sentence in particular is frightening.
Can you confide in your mother?

EachAndEveryHighway · 27/12/2013 21:29

I'm sorry your in such an awful situation op ... I think you know in your heart of hearts this can't go on.

Hitting is hitting and is unacceptable. Even if it were only lightly - and it doesn't sound light if you have photos of handmarks - it is DV.

Don't blame you for not having sex with him - why would you want to sleep with someone who is as cruel to you as that.

Getting out is not insurmountable - do you work? You may find that you could afford the lease alone as you'd be entitled to benefits as a lone parent.

Original poster

Changerofnames · 27/12/2013 21:29

I think I've kind of reached the realisation that i'm not as useless as he makes out (though most nights it reduces me to tears) but practically speaking the thought of going it alone terrifies me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Changerofnames · 27/12/2013 21:30

I am starting my first full time since graduating on 6th Jan and am very excited!

OP posts:

LulaPalooza · 27/12/2013 21:34

But to all intents and purposes you are alone, lovely. He doesn't give you any support, sex with him makes you feel sick and he is abusive. How could being without him be any worse? I'm so sorry you're going through this. There will be other MNers along soon who will have practical advice. I hope you can find the strength to do what you know you need to do x

FloWhite · 27/12/2013 21:38

Reading your post backward, as it were.

You are exhausted and trapped financially with this bloke. He does not step up as a dad or a partner.

He rages at your 'incompetence' and hits you (and you have photographic evidence of this).

He repulses you sexually but you are expected to 'perform'?

there is always a way out. This is the 21st Century. You do not have to live this way. Speak to Womens Aid, they have a 24hr phone line. Consult a solicitor.

You and your child do not deserve this treatment.

ChineseFireball · 27/12/2013 21:39

I don't have any advice that is different to what has already been posted but I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I hope you can make the right choice for you. I agree that he sounds like a nasty bully.

RatherBeRiding · 27/12/2013 21:48

You need some advice on what benefits are available as a lone parent and what your housing options are. If you can't confide in your mother, or move in with her temporarily until you get something sorted, then go speak to Citizens Advice and DWP and start to make plans to leave. Its an abusive relationship and won't get any better.

Would going it alone be really any worse than where you are at the moment? And don't forget he will have to contribute for your DD financially anyway so it won't be as bad as you think.

The first thing to do is speak to someone about housing and benefits. You say you are starting a full time job in January - have you already got child-care arrangements in place? And I really would urge you to confide in your mum - she may be guarantor on your lease but she would surely be appalled if she knew your P had been violent towards you.

CalorHousewifeoftheYear · 27/12/2013 21:50

Darling. Get the fuck away from this bully.

Original poster

Changerofnames · 27/12/2013 21:57

I have a great childminder that I have been using whilst i've been temping and have previously been claiming the childcare element of WTC (though through OH name as the CTC are in mine.)

I can confide in my Mum but she has only very recently returned to work after a terrible spell of depression (she is still on meds) and I would be devastated to cause her unnecessary upset.

We have very little to do with OH's family (long back story but would out me) and the thought of him having access to her alone (which he would undoubtedly seek) scares the crap out of me, not that he would hurt her but more that I might lose her.

OP posts:

FloWhite · 27/12/2013 22:03

If there are issues with regards to the well being of your daughter whilst in the care of your partner they override everything else.

But you can get support for yourself alongside safeguarding your daughter. Please do seek advice.

Vivacia · 27/12/2013 22:07

This man is abusing you and it frightens me that you can't see it. No man should ever lay a finger on you. No manage any rights over you sexually. You are not financially trapped in this abusive relationship.

I'm not sure you're in a position to believe this yet. However, I can promise you that the kind of relationship you deserve and should expect is a mutually caring, nurturing and supportive one.

Ring Women's Aid.

Offred · 28/12/2013 09:04

Him kidnapping her would be him hurting her.

Please speak to your GP about the domestic violence so that it is on record and consider going into a refuge which would mean you'd have a chance of getting legal aid should it come to it as well as a chance of being able to protect your daughter from him.

If you sweep things under the carpet and the relationship ends, and it will end in one way or the other eventually, then you won't necessarily have the tools to protect you and your daughter when it comes to it.

Flip