DH driving me crazy

[Kafri]

DH is mid 30s

He is still behaving like a child. It's hard to get it down on here the full extent of things but really want some opinions.

He does little around the home - thinks 1 load of washing a week/fortnight is helping...

He never touches DIY. Grew up with M&D paying someone to do all jobs. So it all falls to me and if I can't do it, I ask round friends or then get a workman in.

He whinges about everything - what I get when food shopping, what meal I make etc

He wants to spend like he earns a fortune but doesn't earn that much. I've never been bothered about him climbing to the top of the work ladder - but have tried to make him see that he can only spend what he actually earns and if he wants more to spend he needs to earn more.

I'm not the kind of person who takes it all lying down, I speak my mind and tell him it's really winding me up so it's not like I just keep my head down and get on. I've told him countless times everything that is getting to me but it doesn't help.

I've told him recently that my life with DS would be easier if he he weren't here but he just doesn't listen and certainly doesn't change anything.

One thing I'm getting concerned about is the example he is setting to DS. (Only 1 atm). I don't want him growing up thinking it's ok to leave a path of destruction behind you cos mummy will come along and clear up time after time.

I know a lot of this must sound petty - it really is hard to get the true extent of it down on here but has anyone any suggestions??

Doesn't sound petty to me. Was he always like this? Did it change/get worse when your son arrived? What about the emotional side of your relationship? Are you emotionally connected? Is he supportive and affectionate? Is he generally inept and lazy (at work etc?) or is it just at home? It does sound hard.

Doesn't sound petty at all. Sounds remarkably similar to my DH. At the risk of sounding unkind, is this one of those relationship threads where you just want to vent a bit, and you would never consider leaving him, even if it is teaching your DS really bad ideas about how adult relationships work, about how equality works, about how respect works?

I guess if I'm honest it has always been this way but has been highlighted more now we have DS and I could do with a bit more support - there are only 24 hours on a day so could do with a hand with things.

Emotionally, not really. We've got to a point, well I have anyway, where I just don't rely on him because I don't feel I can.

I suspect he has Aspergers (my career has been in autism so it's not just a stab in the dark to label his behaviour)

Work wise - everyone has a soft spot for him, he really isn't malicious about anything, but he does make careless mistakes - I'm not sure how else to describe it.

In all honesty, living with him is like living with a teenage lodger for want of a better way of putting it!!

Definitely not petty,I feel similarly about my dh-he seems to be physically unable to put things in the dishwasher or tidy up after himself or sort food etc yet belittles everything I do.

Although he is quite good at diy etc I have to nag for weeks to get him to do anything which I hate doing and makes me feel like he's a grumpy child.

No answers I'm afraid, but you're not alone x

Kafri it sounds like you have emotionally detached from him, which would sort of explain why you would start to see him more like a teenage lodger. Does not bode well for the future. What are you going to do?

Whiteboard in kitchen
3 columns
First - meal plan
Second - shopping list needed for meals
Third - things that need doing daily, weekly, monthly/one offs that you put your initials next to [start by you pick one to do, then he picks one to do and keep going until all are allocated then tick off each time they are done].

Unless you have allocated tasks you will just keep picking up after him.

We split things - I cook he does the pots, I do the washing he does the ironing etc etc etc. I m doing a little more now as I only do 2 days paid work at the moment, so I do some cleaning on a Monday.

What am i going to do?? I'll be honest - i haven't got the foggiest idea!!

I would second the whiteboard list - and if needs be he then needs a seperate list for his tasks, broken down into easy stages so that he cannot suggest that he doesnt know what to do. This is essential if you suggest he has AS, as a general 'asking him for more help' is like asking him to swim across to America backwards but a specific list (in the right order) will differentiate between a man with something like AS, or someone who is trying to do as little as possible and expects you to play mummy

yeah i'm going to have to look at the whole list thing - i need to stop being stubborn and seeing itemising everything as just as bad as him not doing.

It's odd, i do it everyday at work - i guess i don't wanna feel like I'm bringing more work hoe with me!! eh well, needs must - can't carry on like we are, it'll end badly!!

Today's instalment from his mother was that while she sympathises, i should perhaps look the the bigger picture and realise the benefits of marrying into their family perhaps outweigh his lacklustre approach to life!

hmmm, it didn't go down well with me!!!

oh dear I feel for you and could have written your post
I particularly know where u r coming from regarding DIY it uterly pisses me off. I'm still waiting for sealant to be put round the bath oh fuck probably in another 3 years.

See I don't really get these 'lists' that always crop up on these threads.

When he started his job, I'd guess there was someone who showed him what he had to do and how to do it.

After that, he was responsible for it and presumably no-one needed to keep telling him to do various tasks, or writing lists for him to do them.

I'm also guessing at work he doesn't leave a trail of trash and destruction in communal areas and expect other colleagues to clear it up?

I also assume that no-one had to keep giving you lists about what needed doing in a house or with childcare, or reminders not to leave mess lying around.

What this often boils down to is something very simple, but relationship-ending if it doesn't change.

This happens because he thinks this stuff is women's work and he's not actually responsible for it, like he's responsible for his job.

Until you tackle that root cause, all the lists in the world will come to nothing. Until he feels responsible for this stuff, he'll do jobs either badly or not at all.

What Leaven said.

If I were to produce a list for my husband, it would be heavily sarcastic and if he actually needed it, I would be reconsidering the value of the relationship.