Where to start, basically been with Oh for two years, living together for 20 months so things moved fast we knew each other as friends before and when my relationship with my DCs dad broke down we became close and a few months later started our relationship. We are very happy in general engaged and I want to spend my life with him BUT
He's severely depressed has been for years is on the highest dose possible (375mg) of the strongest anti depressant avaliable (after months of pushing him and him pushing the doc he's finally on the road to the help he needs, CBT and counselling)
His depression means we are very rarely intimidate (or so I thought it was down to depression, more coming up)
We speak about it and he says he just doesn't feel 'sexual' or horny. And that in no way is it me it him his mind and his anxiety also he struggles to 'finish' because of the meds. I've been fine with it and supported him and first I used to get very frustrated and show my frustration now I know not to and I don't make and moves on him as I wouldn't wan him to feel bad saying no to me. Been like this for most of the relationship.
Fast forward to Christmas Day this year and we had a great day he cooked the dinner but was drinking Buck's Fizz/wine and port so was pretty drunk by 2pm (he literally never drinks I've seen him drunk twice in the two years we've been together) so anyway I took my kids to their dads around 3pm arriving home at 5pm walk in to hear him snoring although he said he wouldn't go to sleep I knew he would as he was drunk. Was upstairs to find him on the bed (TMI!!!!!) phone on his chest with porn hub up and a sock on his manhood (apparently it's something he does to avoid the mess) anyway so I went mad tipped his wine on his head screamed at him that he was selfish and had ruined Xmas. He then explained that he was apparently "testing to see if he could get it up so he could ravage me when I returned home" but it didn't work. I was fine. Although annoyed he was watching porn. So I tried to forget it and just enjoy the day we spent the evening with my family where he got more drunk. The next day boxin day (yesterday) getting ready go to out I go round his side of the bed to shut the window and there's 6!!!! Man socks completely "used" if you get what Mean. Didn't say anything until evening when I told him
I'd seen them he tried to deny it until I said just be honest for once and he just said I'm sorry. Had a chat told him I'm upset he would rather DIY than have sex with me and he literally twisted it round onto me saying it wasn't like that, he hates himself, in no way did he enjoy it (although it was all obviously with porn) and it was all just testing to see if he "worked" to then wait for me (utter BS if you ask me) and went to far and finished on his own. So basically I'm just really upset that it looks to me like he does indeed feel sexual but just doesn't want it with me. My self confidence is pretty low as it is. His depression is the biggest factor in all of this and I'm trying so hard to support him. He can be hard work with it where he disappears into the bedroom for hours coz he's down or just doesn't speak to me. I try and support him but I'm getting down myself. I've had the odd thought of can I do this forever but he's like my drug I just can't get enough of him however much he upsets me of makes me angry or leaves me extremely frustrated
Also he works full time and can put a "mask" on at work for his depression. And I'm not sure how that works?
I'm so sorry it's so long I literally have no where else to write this down and needed to for my own sanity.