Future SIL, feel I should fix things but don't know how

[moominleigh94]

Sorry for any spelling mistakes, I'm on my tablet.

My OH's sister and her husband are absolutely lovely, we get on well and I was a bridesmaid at her wedding last year. However they've been trying for a baby for quite a while and facing difficulties (won't goninto too much detail there to avoid breaking their privacy). In September we found out that i was unexpectedly pregnant, due to our ages etc there's no hiding the fact that it was an accident and very unplanned.

since then it feels like future SIL has been avoiding me, I asked OH how they were on Christmas day and he said that its true she has been avoiding me which I understand, I can't even imagine how difficult it must be and I feel so guilty for bringing this to their family when it seems to be causing a small divide and making it hard for OH to see his sister.

I don't know if there's anything I can do to help, I'm not sure how to deal with any of this. I feel like I've landed headfirst in a very adult situation and I don't know if I'm just too immature to deal with it, or if what I'm doing right now is the right thing. I've basically said that everything can happen on their terms with no pressure at all.

apparently future SIL is worried about how she'll feel when the baby arrives etc and again I've told OH that while my priority has to be the baby, everything can move on their terms and even if it takes months or years before they're ready, we'll still be there and never turn our backs, there's no time limit on family as far as they're concerned (wish the same could be said for some people on my dads side but that's a whole difdderent story!).

what I'm trying to get at is have I done the right thing in leaving it for them to initiate talking, or should I be trying to make contact and apologising for the situation? wondering if anyone's been in the same situation or on the other side of it, what was the solution and how sis it work? I'm worried that maybe she just doesn't like me because of whats happened and doesnt want to speak to me again.

You sound lovely, & have obviously thought about the situation.

I think you have done exactly the right thing.

Sorry, meant to say, let her make contact when she's ready.

You have nothing to apologise for!

This is very sad for her but you will not be the only person in her life that gets pregnant relatively easily. This is something she will have to get used to as time goes on.

Of course you can be sensitive to her feelings. Don't rub her nose in it. Block her from Facebook status' that mention the pregnancy. And let her attend or not attend the baby shower at her discretion.

But she will not be able to block everyone out of her life who gets pregnant. But that is something only she and her partner can deal with. You will never be able to make this better and you should not apologise for it

Btw. You sound like you are dealing with it well.

Agree that you sound lovely and have been very considerate of sil and bil feelings but please don't apologise there is no need.
Continue to give them time it will help, try not to worry too much

Thank you :)

I've tried to be sensitive on Facebook, I don't talk about it much and I uploaded scan pictures but only so that family who live far away can see them, as I have no other way of contacting them and there's too many to send it individually. There won't be a baby shower and there'll be no pressure to attend eventual Christening either - if things are going well and they feel able to see the baby when he or she, we're hoping future BIL would like to be a godparent, but that's one of those "cross that bridge when we come to it" things - no pressure at all.

Thank you for the reassurances :) I'm relieved to hear I'm doing the right thing, I was worried she'd think I was pushing her away by not talking to her.

I think that you sounds lovely and very sensitive but I would also say in my opinion there would be nothing wrong with sending her a little message perhaps just saying what you said up thread that you know it must be hard don't want to rub nose in it but would obviously love for her to be as involved as she is comfortable with..no pressure etc but also not avoiding her/the issue..

I think you show a great deal of sensitive feeling. Perhaps let it be known that you will be happy to resume contact when your sister in law is ready. But you have nothing to be guilty about and should feel free to enjoy your baby when he/she comes. Congratulations and good luck to your sister in law.

Thank you :) I'll speak to OH and see what he suggests. They're still fine with seeing him - I think it's the fact that I'm showing and it's very obvious to look at me that makes it difficult to see me, so I might see if asking OH to tell them what I told him - that everything moves on their terms, and we'll always be there for them - would be better than me trying to approach them online/text/in person.

As kind and considerate as you are OP, how the SIL will feel when your baby arrives really is HER issue and hers alone.

I think that if YOUR PG experience is in anyway forcibly muted by her, it's really not on, and that's not fair. She simply can't set the tone of your PG/Birth/family addition.

I get that you are being considerate, but really, you are doing nothing wrong. You are having a child, many do, many don't, many can, many can't. It's not a personal slight!

I simply don't understand how meanminded someone has to be to resent the fact that someone else is having something good in their life. She is your SIL FFS. Avoiding you is just rude.

I say this as someone who has lost multiple pgs. I'd never resent anyone for having what I didn't (yet or ever) have.

I think it is lovely how sensitive you are but do not miss out on enjoying your pregnancy or baby because of SIL
You should not feel guilt or have to change what you do because of her feelings. That means when baby arrives do what you would normally do and don't tip toe around
your baby has a right to be enjoyed and accepted by the family

FWIW You actually sound incredibly mature

However I came on to say exactly the same as hissy please do not feel that you have to 'hide' your pregnancy and new baby to spare others feelings. Your new life is not on anyone else's terms. You are doing the right thing with your sensitivity but you are going to need support when baby arrives. So accept the support and please do not feel guilty.

Also coming from someone who has been through the mill with fertility issues. I was always happy for friends and family who became pg

Congratulations on your pregnancy

Apparently she asks if I'm ok every time she speaks to OH, I found that out today which makes me feel a bit better about it - at least I know she doesn't dislike me.

We live quite far away from them most of the year, just come back for Christmas, so I'm enjoying the pregnancy and OH has been amazing, especially the past few weeks. His family are wonderful too, and I know that SIL and BIL will be an amazing aunt and uncle to the baby. Apparently they both really wants to see me, it was BIL who confessed to OH that SIL was really struggling as all of their friends are now pushing prams around or pregnant, and she feels that time isn't on her side.

When we told her, she was thrilled, and sent me a couple of texts at the start saying that if I ever needed anything, she was there, so I know she's happy for us, but I also know she must be finding it really hard.

I'm lucky that all my friends at uni, where I live most of the year, don't have kids and have no desire to have kids anytime soon, so all of them - bar one who I'm having issues with - are constantly asking for updates and love the fact that they're getting a little 'mascot', so I get to be happy about it with them, and with my family too - I think I just need to make sure I stay sensitive to the issues around OH's side of the family when we're back here.

I am pleased to see this update OP. I was actually also going to say that SIL may not be as hostile to you as you are expecting (which appears to be the case). I am PG now but when i was going through my troubles (3 yrs infertility and a stillbirth) i know a couple of friends were tiptoeing round me and one of them got a mutual friend to tell me she was PG as she was too scared to. I actually found that quite sad and wished she had been more open about it.

HOWEVER it really does sound like SIL and your OH family are behind you and i really think you should accept this support. It is for her that all her friends are getting PG and you are right she is finding it hard but she sounds reasonable enough to accept that this is going to happen.

Sleep easy now and good luck. You have handled this well and i think SIL can see that.

Enjoy your pregnancy and baby