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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Starting to question his feelings (and now mine too)

6 replies

Wishyouwould · 26/12/2013 20:19

Regular name-changer.

I know no-one can give me a definite answer to this but would appreciate any thought and opinions.

Split up with my STBXH last year. Happy on my own, had a few dates and am in a very casual FWB situation which suits me fine.

A few weeks after splitting from my XH I got a message on Facebook from an ex-boyfriend asking how I was and would I like to meet up for a coffee. We have bumped into each other over the years so I know he is in a long term relationship, although he has never married or had DC since we split up 20 years ago. I told him it would be nice to meet up as long as his partner knew and he told me she would be fine about it. We went on to meet up for lunch on a monthly basis, I asked him why he wants to meet with me and he replied he enjoys my company, wants me as a friend and as his partner has many males friends he doesn't see a problem with it. We get on very well together, I enjoy his company too and there is never any flirting or innuendo between us.

Fast forward to a few months ago. We were out for lunch and something happened which made it obvious his partner did not know we were meeting (we bumped into a mutual friend of mine and hers). I was livid and told me how out of order he was. He was very apologetic and promised he would tell her. I told him I wouldn't be seeing him again unless he did and made it clear we would never be anything more than friends and he was insistent that is all he wants too.

He sent me a text in early Dec and asked if I'd meet for a Christmas lunch a couple of weeks ago, he had told his partner he was going to ask me out for lunch and she was fine with it. We went out and had a lovely time. He dropped me back home and then sent a text to tell me he liked what I was wearing. I jokingly text back that he could borrow my outfit anytime. And that was that. I then received a private Facebook message yesterday wishing me a lovely Christmas and he would see him in the New Year. I am being naive? Do I need to step away from this? I really like him as a friend, he is a scream and has a great personality, but am now starting to think about him. I am also wondering what is he playing at and why does he want me in his life when all seems good with his partner and he only ever speaks highly of her? Can we really only ever be good friends? Btw I would NEVER meet him anywhere which wasn't full of other people.

OP posts:
FloWhite · 26/12/2013 20:25

Dodgy ground. His partner would have been fine with knowing you were meeting up yet he didn't tell her. Now he says he has and then he starts with comments on your clothes. You start thinking about him and trying to second-guess him.

I'd step away if it were me. It smells a bit off.

Aussiebean · 26/12/2013 20:37

Invite them both out for lunch. His reaction will speak volumes.

Wishyouwould · 26/12/2013 20:45

Flo I really like him as a friend but I think you're probably right. He's a decent guy, not the cheating type at all but the text and private Facebook message has made me question all of it.

Aussie I get the impression that his partner has lots of male friends and meets up with them without him so maybe he just wants the same?

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 26/12/2013 20:50

Maybe. But you only have his word.

The difference seems to be the he knows when his wife is meeting her male friends but she doesn't know when he is meeting you.

Ask him. If he is all cagey or can never find a time when she is available you will have a clearer idea.

BigChocolateOrange · 26/12/2013 20:50

I think Aussie is right. Even if that is the case and she does have lots of male friends meeting up for lunch with her once won't hurt. At least then you'd know for definite whether she is happy with it or not.

FloWhite · 26/12/2013 20:59

Well, trust your spidey senses. If he's not the cheating type he won't need to send private fb messages or slightly over familiar texts. Make sure you call him on anything which you feel uncomfortable about - boundaries!!!!

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