Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

STBXH and my DD would this concern you or am I over reacting?

44 replies

Licketysplit123 · 26/12/2013 19:54

Hi everyone,

i am wondering ifs this a battle worth picking?

Me and DD's dad have recently separated. She was two in October. I am uncomfortable with something STBXH does and I am wondering if I am just being silly and it's not that big a deal and to leave it or whether I should mention it.

Our relationship is very tense at the moment, so it wouldn't be a case of raising a concern and talking about it nicely like adults. He will perceive it as a massive criticism and react pretty badly, so I want to pick battles carefully.

Anyway, he makes her say sorry to him all the time for any little thing. When she is genuinely naughty (which is fine I guess) or when she chucks food or drops something or spills something.

I know it probably doesn't sound much but I feel a bit funny about it because she says sorry to me now all the time, whenever anything minor happens like she bumps into something or even when I drop something.

She just freezes and says "sorry mummy" really quickly. When I say "no need to be sorry darling its ok" she says "not my fault?"

I just don't her worrying about stuff like that.

I've them when it happens and she hangs her head and gets sad. Sometimes she won't say it straight away and he gets very close to her and repeats "say sorry, say sorry" over and over again until she does.

The reason why I am so bothered is because I don't want him controlling her how he tried to control me. Also a big thing for me is feeling guilty about anything and everything and I don't want her growing up feeling sorry all the time.

Is this a normal toddler thing or is it signs of him being a bit controlling with her?

To be honest, I don't find I need to make her say sorry. Shes a good little girl and rarely naughty. The only time I would tell her to,issue an apology would be if she did something to another child.

Feel free to tell me if I'm overreacting. I'm finding perspective difficult lately

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 26/12/2013 19:57

I think you are under reacting

I don't wish to worry you but 2 yo's in general are happy go lucky little creatures. They certainly do not "freeze" and then parrot something they would never normally have any concept of

I think when you are not there he is using more worrying tactics to make her say those words and you should withdraw contact immediately and take advice from NSPCC

fivegolddeblooms · 26/12/2013 19:58

This is horribly abusive and really sad.

You need to do everything in your power to protect her from this.

Fairylea · 26/12/2013 20:01

Absolutely not overreacting at all. He is being abusive and vile.

A 2 year old should not be treated like this at all. She is being bullied.

Personally I would actually stop contact and go to a solicitor.

hercules1 · 26/12/2013 20:04

You are not overreacting.

Original poster
Licketysplit123 · 26/12/2013 20:04

I am very sure there is no kind of physical abuse. But do you think EA could lead,on to that?

He was EA with me and I am determined to protect her from that. I saw him do this again yesterday and realised this must be why she has been saying sorry all the time.

It was just so subtle though

OP posts:
Original poster
Licketysplit123 · 26/12/2013 20:06

If it went legal, how the hell do you prove this kind of thingZ.

OP posts:
Original poster
Licketysplit123 · 26/12/2013 20:07

Shit I really wasn't expecting such a resounding response, I feel fucking awful

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 26/12/2013 20:07

How can you be sure there is no physical abuse ?

Even if there isn't, your 2yo is not acting like a 2yo should.

This is not "subtle" very far from it

If a health, education or social work professional saw this kind of behaviour in a toddler, they would be very concerned indeed and would be taking advice from a safeguarding point of view

Blushingm · 26/12/2013 20:09

I'm sorry but a 2 year old would not freeze as soon as they perceived they may have done something to upset an adult. Does he shout or threaten it anything? He sounds like a horrid bully

Sasquatch75 · 26/12/2013 20:11

The poor little lamb :( I agree with everyone else - it sounds very worrying. I also have a 2 year old and there is no way I would make him apologise for every little thing. Just when he hurts someone. Your little girl sounds scared of him, which is unacceptable!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 26/12/2013 20:11

Lovey, I think you need to contact your health visitor and/or ring NSPCC as a starting point

And don't send your DD to him again until have taken professional advice

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 26/12/2013 20:11

until you

auntpetunia · 26/12/2013 20:12

This is so wrong! She's 2 and she's already walking on eggshells to keep him happy! Stop any contact and get legal advice. Poor little love he sounds vile.

Bluemonkeyspots · 26/12/2013 20:16

Not any advice but just wanted to give a very unmumsnet hug. You obviously have been so strong to get aw

FloWhite · 26/12/2013 20:16

Yes I think it's a safeguarding issue.

Bluemonkeyspots · 26/12/2013 20:16

Sorry posted too soon!

..... To get away from him so you will manage to deal with this.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 26/12/2013 20:17

You did the right thing posting here, love

queenofthepirates · 26/12/2013 20:20

I am inclined to agree with you, it does sound unpleasant...however...

You need to co parent for the next 14 years with this guy so you are right to pick your battles. My feeling is that contacting a solicitor or social services is not the way to tackle this. Firstly because you will have trouble proving it and secondly, it would more than likely wind him up and make your relationship more difficult.

Are there alternatives? Could you either ask a friend or relative to discuss your concerns with him? Are you currently in mediation?

aaaaaaa · 26/12/2013 20:20

Really? My 2 year old apologises a lot. I don't think its worrying by itself, is it?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 26/12/2013 20:22

I don't agree with that.

the 2yo's abnormal behaviour is proof

2yo's do not act like this unless there is fear, coercion or worse

OP needs to take professional advice not try to manage this herself or get an untrained friend or relative to ask leading questions

Fairylea · 26/12/2013 20:23

Can I just add, in the nicest possible way from one abusive relationship survivor to another, I think you need some counselling as it's apparent from your op that you are minimising a lot of his actions action and trying to rationalise them - when with someone like this you really can't.

What kind of things did he do to you? You could build a case against him if you consult with a solicitor and talk about what a bastard he was to you and now you have concerns for dd.

Original poster
Licketysplit123 · 26/12/2013 20:24

Oh shit.

He doesn't shout or threaten, that's not his style. He holds her arm and gets in her face and repeats "say sorry" until she does. And won't let her move until she does.

I saw him do it before we split and at the time I was torn between not wanting to undermime him, knowing he's inexperienced, and wanting to kick him in the shins. I was also wondering if i was just trying to pick fault in him as i was begining to loathe him. after a fee ocassions i told him afterward not to do it again as she was too young to understand and it wasn't very nice.

Anyway, he's been spending time here over Xmas (a bit of a compromise on my part) and he did this again this morning when she pushed her plate off the high chair.

So it all fit in to place that's why she's saying sorry all the time. She doesn't jump in panic or anything, just stops what she's doing and says it, sometimes repeatedly.

And I do feel sad when she does it.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 26/12/2013 20:29

I feel so angry reading this.

My son is nearly 2 and if he pushes a plate off his highchair I just either say "oh dear" in a cheerful voice and put it back for him or if I think he's had enough I take it away and maybe offer something else if he still seems hungry.

No child should be treated like the way your ex is treating your dd.

Original poster
Licketysplit123 · 26/12/2013 20:32

He was also joking with her about doing whatever daddy says until she is 21 and trying to get her say "I promise". Again one of those things that could be something or nothing, a joke a father says to his daughter but something that riled me because I know on some level he means it.

fairylea it was quite low level, hard to put your finger on it EA. controlling behaviour, utter utter selfishness, moodiness, stonewalling. And I'm about three weeks in to counselling, hoping my bar raises very soon

OP posts:
nickeldonkeyonadustyroad · 26/12/2013 20:32

my 2yo says sorry all the time.
however, she says it while she's up to dreadful mischief, while she's doing her toddler thing and when she's happy.
she doesn't say it when she's just something naughty or dropped something, and she certianly doesn't stop still and hang her head, nor indeed does she show any remorse or regret in anything she does.

tbat's ormal.

sbe cetainly doesn't bave a parent telling her kveramd over to say sorry.

you really need reallife help in this.