Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Can I make exH play a part in our daughters life?

24 replies

jinglemel · 26/12/2013 13:59

Dd is almost 6. Contact with her father is once or twice overnight per month by his choice. He doesn't contact me to ask how she is nor take any interest in her schooling or activities though he will arrive to stake his claim on her at parents evening, dance shows and so on if I arrange it. If an activity, school friends party, dance show, gymnastics competition etc falls on his weekend he insists she misses it. He lives just over half hour away and his company pay his fuel bill so that isn't the issue. For the past couple of years I've swapped weekends so she could still do these things but it means I get lots of grief from him despite not doing anything with her when she's with him and often leaving her at his mum's while he goes out.

I am thoroughly fed up of hassle from him and seeing dd be wary that he's going to be moody with me. I want to have a fresh start this year whereby if she has something like a good friends party or dance shows on his weekend that I don't have to swap, that he takes some responsibility for ferrying her around. Otherwise I go several weeks without any free weekend days with her because of having to swap with him. Is this an unreasonable request?

OP posts:

chocolatespiders · 26/12/2013 14:04

No I think this is fair, if DD would like to go to a party etc during his weekend contact then he should be the one to take her, unless he argues that he wants to spend the time that is his with her. DD may resent him if he stops her doing the important things that matter to her though.

I also think you time is important and you need to be able to do things without dd.

My ex say my dd every other weekend until she was 10 and suddenly stopped collecting her in June this year!!!

Original poster

jinglemel · 26/12/2013 14:08

He does say he wants the time with her but then doesn't actually spend it with her. I'd like the time with her rather than sitting in a smelly soft play area while she's at a party, but surely being a parent means doing what your child wants in these situations and encouraging their friendships and hobbies?

OP posts:

chocolatespiders · 26/12/2013 14:19

What do you mean when you say he doesn't spend the time with dd?

RedLondonBus · 26/12/2013 14:23

seeing her dad is more important long term....friendships fade,so using the time to form a lifelong relationship is more important for her. how old is she? dance shows aren't the be all,partieswell theres loads of them. missing a few wont matter

RedLondonBus · 26/12/2013 14:23

ohjust seen.almost 6!! she doesn't need to do all the extra stuff

Original poster

jinglemel · 26/12/2013 14:32

Chocolate spiders she sits in her room watching films alone or goes to his parents while he sees his gf. I didn't say he shouldn't see her RedLondon, I said he should take into account what she'd like to do and be involved in her life here. If I was in his position I'd like to meet her school friends, help her do the hobbies she loves and so on. If he felt he wasn't getting enough time with her then he could ask for more contact. But he doesn't.

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 26/12/2013 14:43

If she wants to go to a party then you tell her she has to ask her dad. It's one thing saying no to you but saying no to her will serve to show him what sort of dad he is.

Original poster

jinglemel · 26/12/2013 14:51

She's asked him many times. He doesn't care about saying no and she accepts that he doesn't care what she would like. Instead she badgers me to swap weekends so I can take her but then I get abuse from him. Her dance shows take place over two weekends, two shows on Sat, one on Sun plus a Friday night show. She trains hard all year and was given a lead part last year. If she can't do all the shows because he won't take her she won't be able to lead or progress and it's important to her.

OP posts:

RedLondonBus · 26/12/2013 14:56

She's 6, why are you letting her do all that dance stuff? I was brought up in the dancing world, my dad still teaches. She's got all the time in the world for it and that amount you listed is ott!

Original poster

jinglemel · 26/12/2013 15:04

Because she loves it. She wants to do it. She's talented and has been earmarked as having potential. Why would I not let her do it?

OP posts:

clam · 26/12/2013 15:23

"that amount you listed is ott!" That's not every weekend, it's presumably just when there's a show on, which might be a couple of times a year?
Why shouldn't she do it if she enjoys it, which she clearly does? Just because her dad appears to be a bit of a bastard about it?

Original poster

jinglemel · 26/12/2013 15:29

Thank you Clam. Yes it's two subsequent weekends at the end of the summer term. So if he wanted to make up for the time missed he could arrange holiday contact, but he doesn't. That says to me that he just doesn't want to put himself out.

OP posts:

redundantandbitter · 26/12/2013 15:29

You can't force him to be a part of her life, I have two DDs and their dad moved away with new wife and its a 90 min round trip to drop off/ collect. We went to mediation (lots of £'s) and the only thing that came out if it was that the kids should continue with their hobbies and activities (dancing classes on a Saturday morning) as they love it and shouldn't have their routine changed just because their father didn't want to take them as its a 'hassle' - he even suggested they could go to a dance class near to his new home. They have missed parties on his weekends but now my friends are aware and check with me first (which is sad). I disagree that they should miss their hobbies. I don't know about your dd but my DDs have had enough changes with him leaving, getting married etc and I feel they value their classes and friends. My dd had also been given a lead in the next show (GOD HELP ME!). Part of our situation is their dad is a knob. I studied dance and he feels its ME pushing them, but my eldest totally loves it. Life would be so much easier if we agreed on things but then we wouldn't have split up!

Original poster

jinglemel · 26/12/2013 15:37

That's interesting, redundant. Did the mediator support your opinion? My ex threatens to take me to court if I ask he does anything and I'm tempted to just let him do so. He'd never change his mind in mediation though (tried it before) so we'd have to let the judge decide

OP posts:

SomePeopleNeedHelp · 26/12/2013 15:44

I've never been to court but I do believe that they value the child's right to a normal life, hobbies. parties etc. It is part of parenting to take them to these things.

I have a parenting agreement that states ex will take him if it falls on his contact time, or if he doesn't want to, I will.

Original poster

jinglemel · 26/12/2013 15:49

Thank you, some people. I agree it's a part of parenting and unfair on dd that he can just decide he doesn't fancy that part of it when it causes her to miss out and feel left out

OP posts:

Thants · 26/12/2013 15:53

I don't think pandering to when her father deems it an appropriate time to see her is positive at all. Having a neglectful, pseudo parent dance in and out of her life will make her feel worthless. He either actually parents or not at all.

Original poster

jinglemel · 26/12/2013 16:06

It's usually every other weekend Thants but more recently he's missed a few. Every other weekend contact is pretty standard I thought?

OP posts:

Thants · 26/12/2013 16:23

That's very depressing if that is pretty standard contact. I saw my dad every weekend and one eve in the week but still think he was a lousy, part time parent. It was always on his terms which is wrong!

kscience · 26/12/2013 18:35

He is doing better than my exH. DS went months without any contact, exH would often be late (as in an hour+) or make arrangements and then not turn up at all. If he did come it was down to MIL who forced him and then looked after DS. exH remarried and SM then became the main impetus.

I never nagged but always passed comment that his behaviour was out of order. I always allowed access, as I thought it was important for DS to have contact with the large extended family. I OTOH have NC with most of my very dysfunctional/toxic family.

Nearly 20 years later and DS has fantastic relationship with grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins great grandparents and great aunts and uncles, and has an extended family who rally round and love him dearly.....just what we all need. He only see ExH as "bank of dad" which I think is very sad

eslteacher · 26/12/2013 19:26

My DP has his DS EOW Fri - Mon. We live 30m - 1hr (depending on traffic which can be a huge issue) away from his main home with his mum, which is also where all his activities and parties and school stuff inevitably happen.

DP would never dream of telling his DS that he can't go to parties or activities on his weekends. He takes him to the events. However the fact is that sometimes that can mean we barely see his DS on certain days on our weekends, and DP can spend a lot of time sitting in the car or wandering about waiting for DSS to finish stuff as there isn't time for him to come home in between the various things.

Luckily we have a great relationship with DP's ex and she is more than happy to swap weekends where DSS has tons of parties and activities, as it just makes more sense since they are all within a 5m vicinity of her. DSS also himself expressed disliked doing a lot of activities at weekends as he preferred spending time with his dad, so now he doesn't do any formalised weekend clubs, his choice.

I think give and take is the answer. But it does sound like your ex is all take and no give. Especially if your DD is really into her clubs and activities. Then again, it's important for her to spend quality time with her dad too. Could you get him to agree to take DD to regular clubs, but agree to swap when there are a lot of parties, for example?

Original poster

jinglemel · 26/12/2013 23:05

I'd be happy to do that, river boat, but he wouldn't. He gives me lots of hassle and expects my undying gratitude if he swaps a weekend so I can ferry her about all weekend with my other children in tow while he pleases himself. It's difficult though as we separated when she was a baby and usually the activity would be established before separation and therefore there'd be an argument for it to continue. Dd has things she'd like to try but can't as they only take place on weekends and he won't take her.

OP posts:

skyeskyeskye · 26/12/2013 23:20

OP, I could have written half your post about my XH... Shouts abouts his rights, yet only sees his DD EOW. Rings in the week if he can remember. Frequently wants to drop his access at the last minute to do something better and calls me unreasonable if I can't change my plans !

If DD 5.75 has a party then I usually check that he will take her, or I take her and gets her afterwards depending on when it is. I also think that a court would decree that time with her peer group is important.

XH takes no interest in her school work or her life at all. I have begged him to see her once a week but he refuses citing work although being self employed he could easily sort out some time off.

If you are worried that she would miss the shows then make sure you have her that weekend but try and get him involved in other things like parties.

Original poster

jinglemel · 26/12/2013 23:25

Oh yes Skye, know exactly what you mean. He must call her 'my daughter' more than her actual name. He even went through a spell of calling her just by their surnamewhen I changed my name after divorce. She's like a piece of property to him that he likes to wheel out to gain attention and admiration then drops off to forget about for a few weeks.

OP posts:

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread