Using no contact as a punishment

[feelinlucky]

Ex says ds is rude and if he doesn't apologise he can't spend the day with him. Ds is only 11 and I listened to the conversation and wouldn't say he was rude although it's clear he has little respect for his father. I don't usuAlly bite but I think the no contact as a punishment is abusive. Any thoughts?

Yes is is wrong to make the parent/child relationship conditional (unless possibly dealing with huge things like drug abuse).

It's not up to you to police your DS's standards of behaviour when he is with XP nor control what standards XP sets (unless you think there is something very abnormal about them).

Don't "bite". State calmly that you do not believe contact should be dependent on conduct, but that you will respect XP's wishes in the short term. In writing perhaps? And ask how long he proposes the punitive break in contact to last.

This was extra contact for Xmas. He only spends 6 hours a week with his son.

Hmm, I wonder if something else came up that made him look for an excuse to cancel the extra contact?

Here's his response to me suggesting he shouldn't make contact conditional:

'Ensuring my son demonstrates manners and respect is not wrong. It's Christmas and I am still dealing with this. It's never going to end is it'

I wonder what's not going to end? It's all very sad. I just don't know what to do for my son.

What does DS think of all this?

In the meantime; perhaps think about emailing to ask when he wishes to resume contact.

I suspect that getting drawn in to debates about behaviour standards, and the carrots and sticks of effective discipline are just going to be a waste of time. Your main interest here is preserving what you can of your DS's relationship wih his father without being drawn into the detail. As your DS is 11, I would expect him to be able to make his views known to both parents. You can set a good example by taking them seriously.

Ds is about to have counselling. He's very sad about his relationship with his dad. I think you're absolutely right Fara. Nothing I say will make any difference. I suspect what his father wants is for ds to disappear and ds knows this. It's a long story and I can't make any difference.

If he carries on making contact conditional, then I suspect "it" will end a lot sooner than he thinks, especially if your DS is already aware that the relationship is not as it should be.

I think that's what's he's working towards. It's very sad. My little man is so desperate for his dad's unconditional love but it's never going to happen.

Wtf?? What lousy parenting. Well it isn't even parenting, really. Your Ex is a knob.

No, contact should never be conditional.
He needs to find effective methods to manage ds's manners etc if they aren't acceptable. I would imagine ds will lose respect for him rather than gain it if he is treated this way.

Line, I'm in complete agreement. He only allows his son 6 hours a week contact. One over night a month and brings him home before 10am. No additional contact in the holidays so his offer of an extra day has been very unusual. Clearly he's thought better of it.

Gillian ds is a lovely boy but is very anxious as a result if the rejection by his father. He's just had an assessment with cahms and they have suggested relate so that ds can deal with some his issues. I'm trying my best to keep my mouth shut but it's heart breaking to see how hurt my son gets. This is just one of the many ridiculous things his father does. There's that many I forget. Another recent reason for no contact was that it clashed with his daughters nap time!

Great that he is having counselling, I would not get into a debate with ex, he sounds resentful of his own son. WTF did he think parenting was goingto be like? How would he have dealt with this if you were still together, just ignored him for days on end?

Some, he does resent him and likes to remind me he never wanted him. Unfortunately all I can do is live my child. My son and I found an envelope with old photos a few nights ago, they were of me and my ex husband, we married and divorced a long time before I met ds father. Ds said to me, mummy he looks really kind. I wish he had been my daddy. It broke my heart :(

Love not live :)

I personally think you do need to talk to your son about all this quite openly. His father is not being normal, it is not the reasonable behaviour expected of an adult, it is lacking in every way, and it is not your son's fault.

Fortunately the unconditional love he receives from you has a major protective effect.

In fact I would be wondering about what this 'contact' actually does for your son.

Line, thanks so much for your input. Ds and I do talk openly. We have a very strong bond and I adore him. He would hate me if I stopped contact so I think my only option is to allow it to run its course. Either ds will not want to see him or his father will give up all contact. I don't think I have any other option.

But do you think what your Ex is doing is abusive? I would.

I appreciate you are in an impossible position. Which is his abuse of you, frankly.

Honestly, I feel for you. Been, etc.

Line, I agree with you 100%. He's always been an Busive man. I just have to support my son. What else can I do :(

How weird.

So if DS is rude to you are you meant to send him to his father's house? .

That would go down well, wouldn't it? My mind boggles at these men that spend 6 hours a week with their kids.