What else could I have done?

[ProfiteroleAnyone]

I'd like some opinions please/maybe a slap upside the head.

I feel a bit for this. I was married for a long time to a man who was kind, generous, thoughtful and whom I loved very much. He supported me through a lot - building my career, raising children, narc mother etc. I supported his career too, was faithful, committed to our family.

He was also a liar though. He would lie about small things, big things, silly things, important things. I won't go into detail but you get the picture, I'm sure. I knew he was a liar as so often I would catch him out without any effort on my part. TBH I didn't care much about lots of it. Saying he wasn't smoking when he was, saying he was x miles from home and stuck in traffic when he was in the pub…….I would rather he'd just told the truth obviously but I rolled with it. The big stuff? Well you need only read any thread on infidelity and you'll see glimpses of my story there. When caught out on the big stuff of course his default position was to cover lies with more lies.

He isn't in our lives any more. He's gone and that's a good thing. But as I sit here and think - living with a liar turned me into a suspicious, paranoid, depressed control freak until he couldn't take any more and neither could I.

I guess what I'm reflecting on now is finally moving on as I look toward 2014. I'd like to achieve some kind of resolution for myself and if that means you can tell me if there was anything I could've done differently to save our marriage I'd not use it as a stick to beat myself with but to learn from. We did couples therapy but - yeah, he lied in that too.

I don't mind a metaphorical slap and being told to get over it if it's really as simple as that. Sometimes it takes other people to see that's what's needed.

Thank you.

How can you save a marriage with a total liar?

I have had two relationships that sound similar. There was different shit but essentially lying was the problem. I seem to forge relationships with people that have no respect for me and have come to the conclusion that it is because I have no boundaries, very little respect for myself and so tolerate an awful lot. I am working through two books called How to Heal a Broken Heart and Codependency No More. Maybe have a look at them and see if your behaviour fits with what the books are trying to address?

I don't think you could have done anything differently to save the marriage as such. I mean, at the end of the day your XHs behaviour was unacceptable. He was abusive even though it wasn't on a daily basis. That being said, if you had firmer boundaries then you would have not invested so much energy and time in the relationship itself.

I don't think its as simple as 'get over it' either, we have to learn in order to move on.

Good luck!

Why would you want to save a marriage with a total liar?

No, you really couldn't have saved this.

But I agree that you can work positively on establishing better boundaries in the future. And don't be so hard on yourself. It was your Ex who messed things up beyond repair.

I'm not sure you could have done anything more. If you cannot trust the person who is meant to be your partner then there is no point in the relationship.

As to how you go forward, well I think you should be kind to yourself, accept that you probably let him get away with lots of things for an easy life, recognise this in yourself and raise the bar for next time.

I have picked two spectacularly wrong men for me to be my husband. I didn't learn the first time and made the same mistake a second time. Different circumstances from you but I didn't learn enough about myself. My circumstances are very different now (very ill child so no time nor energy to date) but I am no way closer to not making the same mistakes. If there is ever a time for another man in my life I need to un learn my default settings, establish concrete self esteem in who I am and what I deserve. The men I chose were not nice but I have to accept my responsibility in thinking it was ok. I am not excusing them but am trying to never make the same mistake again.

I wish you luck but take your time.

Have you considered going to relationship counselling? You can go alone after the end of a marriage to deal with your problems and build up trust again. There's a place called relate If that helps you at all

How and why I'd want to save a sick marriage are two questions I'd answer differently now. I stopped wanting to save it when I still loved him but didn't like him. So on my own terms there was no how and why, there was just the question of who would divorce whom. Thank you. Your asking those two very simple questions surprised me but coming from outside my own thoughts they're helpful.

My boundaries today are very different to how they were offloading. I didn't have any. Yes minmooch I did let things slide by me, it was easier, lazy probably.

stupidmistakes I did go back to the couples therapist who'd seen us together. I was part angry with her for not 'seeing' what was there in front of her, part ashamed of myself for not acting decisively much sooner. I've had lots of therapy since and it's been so good for me to process everything.

LineRunner that's what I'm after really. Learning and using it to protect myself in the future. Emotionally I'm sound. But what I'm seeing here now is my boundaries are still not quite robust enough yet. I've seen a book on Amazon about boundaries and I'm going to download it today. Thank you too.

I recommend a book called Boundaries by Dr Townsend and another guy.