What do I do? I really need help. -Abusive relationship

[illicitlove1]

Hi, everyone,

My mum is in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship with a man. He's had 3 divorces already, and just appears to run after he's destroyed a woman. Talking to his parents, I've discovered that they're disgusted by him, and are very ashamed.

He drinks every night, and won't go to bed until 2/3am. He wont have sex with my mum unless 'she deserves it', and withdraws affection completely when he wants to.

He absolutely hates me (her daughter). I have depression, and suffer with self harm and suicidal thoughts, and have done since I was 7. He screams and shouts at my mum, with his face pressed against hers, telling her to make me live on the streets because he's too scared of me. He blames me for all their problems, e.g. he stays up every single night because twice in the past year and a half I've accidentally left the door unlocked. (wtf).

He wont let her go out, and makes her tell him every detail of conversations with both me and her work colleagues. The neighbours in the cul-de-sac all gossip about their relationship, because everyone can hear the daily screaming and shouting.

She's not even half the woman she once was. I don't recognise her, she's just been completely destroyed by this 'man'.

He ruined Christmas Day, and she finally dumped him and kicked him out. I spent all day consoling her, until I left for a while so I could cry myself. She then rang me to let me know he was there, and that they were 'talking'. I asked if they were getting back together, and she just said "... we're just talking, don't come back, find somewhere else to stay'. It was Christmas Day and I ended up sleeping in a shop doorway. (This is a regular occurrence because of how little he wants me around - I believe this is because me and the rest of the family, who now have nothing to do with her, could see he was scum from the moment we met him, and made it perfectly clear.)

I'm terrified she's going to go back to him - she manages to talk herself into believing that the problems are caused by her and me, and he's an angel. Apparently, because he's promised to go to counselling, that makes it all ok. He says anything to get back here, and never sticks to his word.

Please, what should I do? I've wanted to just ring the police so much, I'm the only person she's got now, and I'm only 18, I didn't exactly learn about this in college :/

Help me, please.

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship yourself. Speak to the police about you being homeless and they hopefully will refer you to someone who can help.

Do you have any relatives you can stay with? This sounds a terrible situation to be in

You poor thing.

You cannot sort your mother's relationship out for her - she's an adult and makes her own choices.

You need support - if you have nowhere to stay, contact SS - there is always an emergency duty worker on.
Speak to your GP about what is going on in your life; get some counselling support for you to have somebody to speak to.

Your mother will need to find her own way. So do you and you will .

You need to look into getting yourself housed. I ended up in a YMCA hostel when I was young. They offer a great deal of support to young people who reside with them.
Please don't go back to your mothers, her toxic relationship will only continue to impact upon you in a very negative manner.

This is awful and I agree that you are in an abusive relationship yourself. Do you have anywhere else to stay? A friend whose parents are sypathetic or any other relatives? Unfortunately there is nothing much you can do to help your mother until she wakes up to the reality of her abusive relationship but it is important to try and keep yourself safe and get somewhere to live that is not dependant on the state of your mother's relationship. Do get in touch with Shelter who can give you advice about getting a roof over your head and being safe. So sorry you are going through this, you sound very mature and responsible and I do hope you get the help you need.

I'm just too scared to leave her - I can't bear to think about what he does when I'm not here.

All of my friends know, but nobody can really offer me a pace for more than a night or two.

I feel like if I go to a shelter or something, nothing would get better, like I'd just end up on benefits without my own home.

God, it's all just completely terrifying :(

Of course it is but you are not helping your mum by staying with her and trying to protect her. You cannot help her any more than you can help an alcoholic parent: the will to change must come from within them. All you would be doing would be to let him drag you down as well, whereas if you leave and go into a shelter your mum might just realise that she needs to get her life in order. You are no more likely to end up on benefits if you find some help now than you would if you stayed in the situation

I do understand that you are scared to leave her but you can't protect her against him if she throws you out or if he gets violent. I think you have to have two plans, one for the next few days/weeks and one for the long-term. In the next few weeks you can find out about getting somewhere safe to stay and knowing what is available to you in terms of housing, benefits and such like. Are you working or looking for work or still in full-time education? What do you see yourself doing as a job/career and how can you achieve that? That is part of the long-term plan.
I know you won't want to hear this but you can only be responsible for your own future. Your mother makes her own choices and has to live with them. Much as you love her you can't make her see the light as regards to her relationship with her abusive partner. Only she can decide when enough is enough and hopefully when she does you can help her pick up the pieces. Maybe if you back off from her it will make her focus and force her to face up to the reality of her life, I don't know but do look after yourself first. On a practical note do call the police if you witness any phyical assault or threats to assault her . Threatening to hit someone is an offence and the police can take action.
Do keep posting if it helps and someone soon may have much better advice than me.

Your mother isn't putting you first so you need to. I know that's hard but you need to be responsible for yourself and realise you can't save your mother.

For her part she should be ashamed of herself for putting her daughter on the street for the night.

Your situation is exactly the kind of thing that certain benefits and help with accommodation are there for.

Of course you are scared for your mother - it sounds like she has put herself in a potentially dangerous situation and it's hard to just be a bystander. If you are there when anything kicks off, call the police. Call 999 - don't hesitate. But be prepared that your mother might be cross with you for 'interfering'.

I'll repeat what I and others have said: you cannot fix her life for her, but you can make sure that you are safe.

You are only young, but you are an adult, as is your mother. You both are free to make choices; sometimes those choices are hard, v hard.

It's great that you have friends who can put you up for a night or 2, but as you say that's not really a viable option longterm. 'Home' sounds not welcoming and possibly not safe for you either, so make contact with Shelter/coucil housing department/SS or similar and make positive changes to your own life.

Be there for you mother is she asks for help, of course, but you'll need to accept that you cannot change her relationship or who she choses to have a relationship for her.

You can't protect your dm. You have to accept, hard though it is, its the life she chooses. She didn't put you first, which she should of, so now, and you sound sensible, you put yourself first, even if it means going to a police station and asking for help for now.

It doesn't have to be your life. She is wrong if she wants you there to sound off to and use you as a buffer. For her and your sake you have to leave home for good.

I used to worry about how my df treated my dm and she would have no one, but really, its not your role in life and you can forge a way. I left at 16 and struggled for a few years, but dm still stayed! I did the best thing for me at the time, though I didn't know it iyswim, by taking a live in mothers help job at the other end of the country with possibly the most boring, normal family in the world. Couldn't afford a mobile:) and I didn't drive. Isolated yes, but immersed in normality!

If you are at college call them, if they are off, call friends and see if you can stay there. Try to think of a friend with a sensible mum who seems very dull and steady. She will be a good person to talk to ( I have experience here!)

How is it going illicitlove1?