Did something really stupid

[bishbashboosh]

After a year of no contact with my toxic mother, she posted some gifts for the dc

So being Christmas I rung her and so wish i hadn't!!! She asked how dh was and then said she had seen a pic off dd and said she is a fat little thing (she's really not!!!). Plus dd had chronic health issues And is waiting for an appointment for heart surgery . Mother knows this and never mentioned it, just said she will send her a birthday present

I feel bad she sends gifts

I am so hurt , tearful I knew and kicking myself

Don't kick yourself. It's natural to want to give your own mother a chance to behave like a mother should. That she has blown it yet again is not your fault, and only goes to demonstrate that no contact is wisest in this case. How can it possibly be your fault that she behaves badly? Who, pray, is the parent here?

Bless your dear little DD, hope everything goes well for her. I don't know you or her, but I still do mean that sincerely whilst her own grandmother does not care as much as a total stranger would. This is a terribly difficult situation you are struggling with, and you won't handle it perfectly every time - who would?

Try to see this as a positive thing; your call has vindicated your original decision that you should have no contact with her. She is still as nasty and mean and only wants to hurt you.

You now know for sure never to make contact again.

Try to forget the call - focus on your own family and having a wonderful time with them.

Thank you for your kind replies.

It did make me think I did the right think by myself and my immediate family

But my brother just seems to be able to be ok with her. My sister went no contact almost 30 years ago while u gave her chance after chance I know
it's because she liked boys(she took him with her when she left us as
children)

I need to forget now I rang her and I did the right thing

It's obviously the hardest thing dealing with dd and my other 3 children with no mother, but u know loads of people don't have a mother

But your brother's relationship is completely different from yours, you shouldn't be trying to compare the two. If he left with her (and grew up with her?) his relationship may be more 'normal' (although I wouldn't fancy trying to have a normal relationship with such an appalling old bag).

You are not obliged to contact her. You should not feel bad that she sends gifts. But don't put yourself through this once a year in the name of 'doing the right thing', it means you have to carry a load of anger around until it dissipates, whereas it makes no bloody difference to her at all.

Learn from this.

I gave my mother 37 years of chances to be a mother before I finally cut her out. There will be no going back.

Since we cut contact, she has sent the children birthday cards and a Christmas card. This Christmas she didn't. I feel I can finally breathe a sigh of relief and relax.

I really cannot tell you how much happier I am without her in my life. Later, in the same year that I cut her out, my dad died and his widow now refuses to have contact with us or to let us see my half sisters, and my marriage broke down. And, do you know what? The only thing that meant I was able to get through it all was not having her in my life. And I don't have any other family - well, just my children and brother.

Don't give her any more chances to let you down.

Re read tribpot's post. Especially the last paragraph. It makes a lot of sense.

You called her because you are a decent, thoughtful, kind human being.

She proved she is not. The gifts are sent not because she cares, but as a way to make you feel guilty.

Don't you dare feel bad!
Your children need your emotional energy, not her.

Uterus has said everything I was going to.

Please don't let her spoil your christmas.

Thank you

It's really difficult because I am still at the stage where I am wondering if it's me, and if she is sending gifts to the kids ( no card or gift for me), I must be the bad person

I am still at the stage where I would have been upset if she hadn't sent anything but maybe if she hadn't I would properly move on

It really is so so damaging having your mother leave you and show no remorse about this whatsoever! And having moved on and surrounded myself by normal, intelligent and people who have a normal amount of selfishness, it just seems harder

I move on and forward but she is the person she was when she left 30 years ago

I'm not going to contact her now, the ball is In her court

And my daughter is beautiful inside and out and she has a lovely Mother who is not going to screw her up by abandoning her

The ironic thing is my mum is really overweight and I am underweight after years and years of disordered eating, and she calls my daughter fat. She's not yet 4