I feel guilty writing this or admitting my feelings to anyone.
My exH was abusive to me and my DC sadly, both emotionally and physically. I was too afraid to leave, even tried to desperately save the marriage when it was falling apart. This was over 10 years ago now.
But finally, his very long affair became known to me and eventually he left (unannounced and leaving me with barely any money). Contact with the children went on but once I pulled myself together and realised the abuse they were experiencing, after a court trial contact was stopped. Both DC have struggled with this in their own ways, they saw counsellors and got a lot of help. But 10 years on they have both been at uni and doing very well. Most importantly they, on the whole, happy.
The last few months I have noticed DS' behaviour, his mannerisms and personality is exactly the same as his fathers. It is very difficult to see but I know I should see him as his own person and try not to associate it with the awful things my ex did and way he behaved.
The big difficulty is DS is starting to act like his father in almost everything he does (but the more negative traits come out more during special occasions). He has a very strange (and nasty) attitude toward woman. This has not come from me or DD, and he has not been around his father for 10 years.
He is incredibly sexist, even towards his sister. I have tried both gently and firmly numerous times to explain how wrong his behaviour is and how I will not accept it or allow him to treat woman under my roof the way he does. He is 23 and my influence is sadly fading.
It is other little things like avoiding helping whatsoever around the house and being short or awkward with me. He makes no effort to keep in touch with his sister when she is at uni despite her regularly making the effort with him and desperately reaching out to him (he lives at home as uni is local). He can be rude when we have visitors and be short with them.
Today things escalated, we had a lovely day and I tried to ignore DS' behaviour although it was horrendous. He barely thanked me for his presents and made it clear he disliked some, he never jumped up or offered to help clear away or make food etc. After lunch he disappeared to his bedroom, when I went up he was on his laptop, and he grunted when I asked him if he would come and help dry the dishes and then play a board game with everyone. I asked if he was OK, he said Yes as if I was mad for asking and annoying him. I was embarrassed and so angry but due to it being xmas day just left him and held in my rage. All this behaviour is incredibly similar to the things my exH would do and the way he would speak to me/act.
I really struggled, and so did DD, I found her crying this evening about him. She just said he has suddenly become this horrible person in the last year or two and she wishes the old brother would come back. Holidays in the summer have become painful and so difficult. He is not the DS I brought him up to be and tried so hard to instill good values in. I flick between trying desperately not to loose him and to help him change his behaviour to wondering what an earth I have done wrong and really struggling to deal with him being around me. I have spoken to him numerous times about it (I have NOT mentioned to him the link to his father's behaviour which makes it even more difficult for me)
I am at my wits end and feeling incredibly upset about it.