so tired of trying

[mumaa]

Anyone else feel this way?

I try so hard to have a good relationship with my ILs but I just feel it gets thrown back in my face constantly. We are left out of family meals and gatherings. On occasions when we are invited to things we are told "it suits everyone else" I.e. We've discussed it and decided you are worthy of an invite but this is the day and the time, if you can't make it we wont move it. When we are invited to things, my feeling is that it's for show and not necessarily that they want us there, just so they can tell people "the whole family went out" or similar.

won't bore you with details but latest example was to ask sil if she was free for a visit on a certain day, she said yes, late afternoon and then when we see her turns out she was out with the rest of the in laws but we weren't invited. It is really hurtful and is getting me down. My DH says just to ignore it, who cares, but it hurts my feelings and it upsets me that they don't include DH or our DD, I may just be an inlaw but what about them?

we are set to see them a few times over the festive season, things we had agreed to a while ago, and right now I just feel like I don't want to be anywhere near them, I find it all so hurtful... Yes, I am feeling a bit sensitive so apologies if am overly so

I wonder (trying to be think well of them, huh!) if you have a young family or are very busy people and it is hard to work around you?? Of course, they could be a bunch of arses. Or perhaps whoever organises things for the family is so exhausted by this person cannot make Wednesday at 7.30 etc etc that by the time they come to you, they will not be prepared for you making any final changes.

Who knows what goes on in their head? Probably should go ahead with the festivities and as your hubbie says ignore them afterwards. Only attend invites if you think you want to.

I understand what you are going through as my in laws are very similar to yours. I have learnt over the years to disengage from them, to talk when needed and to build up my own social life that doesn't revolve around them.

It is hard as I feel partly responsible for my dh being semi ostracised from his family but I remind myself that it is their choice to behave like this. It has become a little easier over the years as we've maintained an unspoken truce since the kids have come along. In the early days of our marriage they would all stick together & decide things and inform us at the last minute. Outward hostility and agression, deliberately cutting us out of family events and generally controlling behaviour.

I have no real advice but just to say that you are not alone.

Seasons greetings.

Thanks beetle I appreciate what you're saying, I have thought of many "maybe they thought we wouldn't want to go" type of reasons or maybe that's the only time that suits so you go with the majority. But they HAVE changed plans when it doesn't suit one other person, but never for us, we do have a young DD so sometimes we would ask for things to be adjusted timewise,slightly but they never accommodate.

I will go to festive things, I am just dreading it after today when it was unintentionally revealed that on the afternoon I went to see SIL they had all been out for lunch together that very lunchtime. It was very awkward when it was mentioned, it was clear the intent was not to let us know. Presumably if they wanted to let us know they would have invited us, they knew we were free that day as well,as I had been in touch to arrange visit with SIL.

think all I can do is turn up if invited to things and no take the effort to arrange contact. Though given what's gone on I don't really feel like I WANT to go to any event, I will for the sake of keeping the peace but don't particularly want to be in the company of people who don't want to be in my company

Thanks raisah I really do appreciate that, thank you so much for responding too, I feel pretty much the same, they sound so similar, it helps to know am not the only one

My ILs are the same. When I twigged that I was the one making all the effort and that they would only see us if it cost them exactly nothing (after a particularly blatant one), I resolved to do exactly the same.

Surprise, surprise, I have barely seen them since. Dh does take the dc to them a couple of times a year as he would feel guilty if he didn't, but I'm well rid of them.

Can't say I miss them.

Stop trying so hard mumaa. When you are left out of things go & do something lovely with your DH & DD. Try new places, enjoy yourselves, stop letting them get to you.

Like Liara says, you won't miss them.

You can't have a "good relationship" if it's one-sided, and your relationship with your ILs blatantly is. They're just not prepared to try and seem quite content to let you do all the running and dance to their tune. So stop allowing them - you'll feel a lot better for minimising contact with these selfish people.

Thanks all!

very much appreciate the kind words and those of experience! Looks like my new years resolution is decided! Thanks so much, your words and understanding mean a lot!!