Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

I don't think I want her to see them...

18 replies

Geckos48 · 24/12/2013 22:16

Gah, I know its Christmas Eve and I probably won't get many replies to this but that is fine, I suppose I just need to write it out and any advice/support would be good.

I don't really have a relationship with my mother, the relationship I had was suffocating and unhealthy and she lives on the other side of the world. She frequently down-plays and outrightly ignores the abuse that I suffered due to my frankly evil brother.

Anyway, we haven't spoken since February and she is due to come down again for the brothers wedding in July, she wants to see the boys and that is fair enough because she has seen them in September without me around.

But I dont know if I can handle her seeing them (it will most certainly be without me) knowing that she has just stood and made a speech in front of loads of people about how brilliant my brother is and how great love is and how eternal and blah blah blah (I know she will do this, she does it at every wedding) when actually my biggest fear about him getting married is that he will revert to type when he finds himself with a pregnant wife or when he has kids.

My husband says I am being ridiculous and it shouldn't matter that she is coming here for his wedding, if she is going to have a relationship with the kids then she should see them. But I just dont want her to.

I can't really explain it anymore than that, I think it would just piss me off.

I am tempted to say that I don't want her to see them at all this time but I realise that is really unreasonable of me. Fuck it, I feel like being unreasonable.

Its not about protecting my kids, or making their lives any better, it is purely selfish reasons, I think her seeing them would upset me.

I think if she is coming for my brothers union to someone who he has known for little more than a year and can have no idea what he is really like then she should just leave us the hell alone.

OP posts:

UterusUterusGhali · 24/12/2013 22:19

Are your boys going to the wedding then?

Original poster

Geckos48 · 24/12/2013 22:25

Not a chance in hell.

They will never ever know that monster.

OP posts:

Original poster

Geckos48 · 24/12/2013 22:26

I do speak to her sort of through DH [edited by MNHQ] email address/facebook

She has no way of contacting me directly.

OP posts:

NorksAreMessy · 24/12/2013 22:28

Oops, gecko you need to report your last post, it has a name in it

NorksAreMessy · 24/12/2013 22:29

And I understand exactly what you mean. Her 'love' for your DC has been devalued, as that is what she also feels for your brother.
You are not being ridiculous.

Original poster

Geckos48 · 24/12/2013 22:29

Thanks, done.

OP posts:

BigArea · 24/12/2013 22:32

Geckos I'd get that post with a name on deleted to be on the safe side. Hard to evaluate but sounds like your brother is not very nice. However it's not clear what your mum is really like. You give the impression you do want DCs to have a relationship with her but you do t want to see her yourself - who will take them to see her?

Original poster

Geckos48 · 24/12/2013 22:34

My husband (have reported the post thanks) will take them to see her. He did in September

He feels it is important for them to have a relationship with her.

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 24/12/2013 22:34

Op they are your kids you know what you went through, you protect your kids no matter what it's instinct pure and simple.
Don't let anyone play this down as even an outsider I can feel the panic in your post. Make your decision and stick to it, you feel the stress lift when you do.

You are no longer a little girl remember that, your a big adult mummy lion now and woe betide anyone who harms a hair on their head. Stand your ground and trust your instincts we are born with them for a reason.

tribpot · 24/12/2013 22:40

I think you either need to:

(somehow) reconcile the fact your mother is complicit in what your brother did to you and allow her to have a relationship with your children anyway, since she isn't in a position to allow them to come to any harm
decide to cut contact with her properly and completely.

It isn't really up to your husband. This is your family, he wasn't there when whatever happened with your brother happened. Your children don't need to have a relationship with her that badly.

Talk it over properly and decide what you want to do. If the contact is going to be this unpleasant for you every time, it's too damaging. If you have access to counselling it would be wise to talk it all through in a supportive setting.

Original poster

Geckos48 · 24/12/2013 22:57

I do see a counsellor weekly, though obviously not right now over christmas.

OP posts:

UterusUterusGhali · 24/12/2013 23:39

I agree with above. It's not your dhs decision. Does he get on with his mother?

Original poster

Geckos48 · 24/12/2013 23:42

Yes, he doesnt see her very much though.

Mostly because she lives far away and is a bit flakey.

OP posts:

StaceySpacey · 25/12/2013 00:14

Why is your husband so convinced they should have a relationship with her? What are his own family circumstances like?

I don't think it is selfish to want to protect both yourself and your DC from an abusive (grand)parent. Makes perfect sense. I would not let her see them on this occasion. Take some time to think the whole thing over. She has seen them in September anyway.

I can identify as we are on the verge of going no contact with my FIL who has caused my DH all sorts of problems. FIL is now getting all arsy about having contact with our DS but frankly the benefit of having him in DS's life is dubious. The fact is, you don't have to do this. You are her daughter and their mum: of all people, you are best placed to know whether there is any significant gain in their having a relationship and what the risks are. Unless there are lots of benefits and very few risks, I would not allow it - and even then, if it makes you unhappy, it's worth considering what these great benefits would be that make it worthwhile that you are so unhappy as a result,

HissymasJumper · 25/12/2013 07:53

If these people are too toxic for you, why does your H think it's right for your DC to have contact?

Protect your dc, insist on no contact. Your H needs some education on toxic parents/families.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 25/12/2013 08:26

I agree with the other responses. Go with your instincts on this.

stowsettler · 25/12/2013 08:56

Surely if your DM wants to see them that much she can come to you, before or after the wedding? I don't see why the onus should be on you if it means any of your family going near your brother.

Original poster

Geckos48 · 25/12/2013 23:23

I thought it was clear that she would be coming here to see the boys?

anyway I sent her a message suggesting she comes down before the wedding to spend some time with them.

I just don't think I could bear her seeing them knowing that she'd stood up and waxed perfect about my brothers harmonious matrimony.

That's about as gracious as I could muster.

OP posts:

Flip