Regret after NC when they die - need advice please

[BigHugeSighs]

After yet another shitty conversation with my dad, I'm contemplating NC. I'm almost there anyway, I haven't seen him in three years and spoken to him about three times this year.

He lives abroad, he's getting older and is in poor health.The final straw was his inability to get up off his backside when my youngest was very ill in hospital. His excuse was having no money. When I say 'very ill' I mean life threatening.

I've name changed and I'm deliberately being a bit vague because certain details altogether will out me.

I don't think he'll live much longer. The conversation ended rather badly but I got to tell him how let down I felt. Will I regret it? My brother thinks I will.

Sorry for the depressing Christmas post...

What do you think you'll regret?

If you do go NC, it doesn't require a big announcement, just stop contacting him.

Although to be fair, being old, low on finances, in ill health and a hundred miles away is a believable reason for him not being by your son's side when he was ill.

Yes you may feel guilty when he dies, but that is understandable.

However if he brings nothing to your life, he should not give you angst and your life will be richer without him giving you grief.

Hard one this. I've been in a similar situation. All I can say is that I had a conversation with my estranged dad not long before he died in which we made our peace. I was sad when he died but it made such a difference knowing we were on good terms at the end and believe you me he wasn't the greatest dad and made little effortas far as his kids were concerned.

My sister didnt do the same as me and she felt awful for a long time afterwards, maybe she still does.

I think your brother may have a point

'Big.

You must have your reasons for being almost there with NC. I don't know why you've taken this stance but as a woman who did the same with my mother I can say it was the only way I felt able to come to terms with her relationship with me.

She died almost two years ago. Toward the end I was able to resolve all the hurt I felt and to see her as a woman who did what she did because of things I'll never know or understand. I was able to treat her as a fellow human being who was (by then ) suffering from an illness - but I felt under no obligation to do more than I would for any one else. I don't regret that for a single moment. No one on this earth could persuade me otherwise.

I realise this will probably not help you Big. But I didn't want to let your post go unanswered. If your father has let you down then I honestly think the regret should be his. Not yours.

I'm not sure Vivacia, I think I'd regret not trying harder to get him to understand my point of view. And he wasn't unwell at the time, he had money and four months to pull his finger out. I've never asked him for anything. I wasn't planning on announcing it.

Miss Marple, he doesn't bring anything to my life. He's been out of the country for a decade.

The Owl, I can see your view. I think I'm tired of trying, biting my tongue and being the sensible one.

I think I'd regret not trying harder to get him to understand my point of view.

Ok. This doesn't sound like a healthy reason to want to stay in touch. I get the impression he'll never understand your point of view. But perhaps I'm projecting. How have you stated your point of view?

Thank you Flo. Your final line there is pretty much what I said to him. He has a history of blaming everyone else for his woes. One line of his that always stuck with me from growing up was, 'You're my child, you're supposed to make me happy', which was a lovely counterpart to, 'I only had children because your mum wanted them'.

No, it's not healthy is it? I ended up ranting my hurt and disappointment. I told him it was the one time I needed him there and he didn't make the effort. He said he didn't know and ended the conversation.

Well - one thing I DO know is my mum only had me because she knew my father wanted a child.

And didn't she let me know that, over and over again all my life. Until one day I'd had enough. Like I said Big regrets should be his if that's been his attitude to you. Your worth as a child should not have been dependent upon your ability to glue your father to your mother.

I ended up ranting my hurt and disappointment.

Well, it sounds as though you've clearly told him (as opposed to seething and expecting him to just realise). What do you think you can further do to make him understand your point?

It sounds to me as though you'd be banging your head against a brick wall, but you may want to try a calm, factual letter.

BTW - his line to you, and it's counterpart. Classic double-bind. Honestly Big don't feel bad if you go NC. How can you feel worse than you've been made to feel already?

It sounds like you still need to work through a certain amount of anger and denial (still trying to get him to see your point of view) before you teach acceptance. NC can be a good tool to help you with that.

I honestly don't know what this would mean if he dies while you are NC. Probably an extra layer of emotions to work through on your own.

I went NC for a while as I was angry, and patents refusing to engage with me on the causes of my anger (just denial, blame, deflection, ...). It therefore took longer for me to resolve my feelings, but was the only way, as they would not accept to hear me. Now I have made my peace, internally, accept them for who they are, and we are even spending Christmas together. I find myself feeling very glad that we reached this stage before they died. But I do feel that NC was a necessary stage for me.

If it's what you need to do, then it's what you need to do. I just hope you are able to reach inner peace wrt him before he passes away, to be able to reconnect in some fashion once you are ready, and avoid regrets.

Good luck.