I'm feeling a little tense about my Step father

[Flossam]

And I need to get it into perspective.

My mum had her mastectomy today, and so far seems to be doing well. I very much wanted to go down to be with her, now DS is so much better, as early as Tues. She had got herself in a terrible state and said she wanted this week (pre op) to be quiet and peaceful to give her time to prepare herself mentally and get stronger. That peace wouldn't happen with my DS so fair enough. Originally she wasn't keen for me to be around when she had her op, but was open to it, and then said that I was her daughter and if I wanted it would be lovely for me to be there.

When Ds became poorly again she said that he should be my priority and that I mustn't come. Obviously he has very quickly rallied and would have been well enough for me to go. I kind of get the feeling this week she would have liked me to be there, but knew my step father would rather be alone. So I didn't go. Found yesterday and today very difficult as I felt so much I wanted to be with her. We are very close.

We had arranged that Dp would drive DS and I down tomorrow - she may be discharged if she wants to be and has a good night, or she may be in untill Monday, and that we would bring stuff to stay if it seemed right, depending on whether mum was home, how she was feeling etc. We were just going to play it by ear. However today when I mention to SF we may stay he basically told me it wouldn't be necessary and a few hours visit would be enough. I don't want to go and force myself down there, but I do want to be with mum and know that she is OK. By going with DP he and DS can go off if it becomes too much or we can leave at whatever time we like (I don't drive).

Also it is a lovely festival down on the harbour next weekend up where I live. Mum has always wanted to come, and had booked a room on the waterfront with views over the event for the night. She has decided not to cancel it but to see how it goes and if she feels up to it she would still like to come. If not then she can always cancel it the day before, no harm done. She is likely to have chemo and is going to have a tough time ahead of her. If she wants to come, or likes the idea of something to look forward to then I think that is fair enough, however SF says he is going to try and talk her out of it. I'm sure mum will be sensible and if it isn't right I will make sure she dosen't do anything silly, I just feel he is, oh I don't even know.

I normally get on very well with him and am so grateful to him for helping to bring me up, and he thinks of me as his daughter. But I just feel a bit pushed out of this where I so very much want to be with my lovely mum. I know I am probably trying too much and being perhaps overbearing but I'm stuggling really. And now see I have made this whole terrible time my mum is having all about me, and I know it isn't. Thats why I'm not there right now. I just want to be with her. If you can make any kind of sense of this then you are cleverer than I. I would really appreciate some snap out of it/get over it type comments to sort me out really!

Her visit. I do know he loves her desperately. I know that he is trying to look after her and has only her best interests at heart. And she couldn't have a better husband.

How difficult for you

Flossam, of course this is about you, your mum is very close to you as you said, and she's a big part of you, so when something happens to her, something happens to you, of course you are hurting.

You sound like you feel that your SF is interfering, and I mean you have every right to - you were there before him, and you sound like you feel as if he's persuading your mother out of the things that she wants to do, and it sounds to me like he's making you feel a bit unnecessary - I bet you're anything but unnecessary to your mother (and probably to SF too, in fact he may not be meaning to make you feel the way he is, stress does a lot to a person)

you have every right to feel the way you are, my only advice is to take care of yourself, you're hurting too - chemo is going to hard for you too. And do/say what feels right, if you want to spend time with your mum and she wants it too, then you do that hun!

Must be an awful thing for your family to go through, and I bet you're all feeling stressed xx

Thanks FA and FF. I'm hoping things will work out a bit better between us when we get there, things are usually better face to face. I think I feel like I am getting on his nerves, I would probably get on my nerves too, and in fact I do if that is possible. Hopefully when we see each other we will understand each other better.

Last weekend he told me not to come down at all this weekend as it would only worry mum. Mum asked me when I was coming this weekend and says she isn't worried at all. arrrggghhh!

Sounds like my family in a crisis! Definately wires crossed, sounds like he's just going all out to look after your mum - which is no bad thing, I'd just sensitively side-step him a bit

He sounds like my Dad in a crisis, he can only see my Mum, and the rest of us can go to hell.

My Mum had a heart attack in 1999 ( we had all left home), she is fine now, but then she had a cushy P/T job.

Her boss rang up to ask after her,my Dad gave him all the relevant details, and then told her line manager, that she would not be returning to work.

News to my DM.

When she tackled him about it, he said after much gentle probing, that he was scared, nay terrified of losing her, she was the reason he got up in the morning and that he went into mighty protector mode, and quite frankly he was sorry if people got caught in the cross fire, but he only had one priority.

Does that help ??

Yes LGJ, it does very much. Your poor mum, your dad sounds sweet though! FA, yes I think that is what I am planning. I am tired (woke up at five worrying) and in a bad mood and I am letting it get to me when I shouldn't.

I really feel for you Flossam this must be a horrible situation to be in.
You understandably want to be with your Mum to help her through this and in turn support your SF but your SF is trying to protect her from anyone and everyone and obviously not realising that he is hurting your feelings in the process.

I think once you get down their and speak to your SF and show the benefits of you being their it will all sort itself out. Not much help now I know but I'm sure I'm right.

Thanks FB, have spoken to SF and feel a bit better. He says he is worried about me tiring myself out. I am tired TBH, but will see how it goes.