help - shit im scared & panicking

[thatlldonicely]

i posted on here yesterday that my husband had told me he wasnt sure how he felt anymore - since then weve talked alot - he hasnt gone and I believe him when he says noone else is involved.
He says he is really sorry this has happened & wishes hed kept his mouth shut because at least we would have got through xmas. This morning i was ok- did the food shopping & sorted out rest of kids presents and told him i would continue to do xmas but it was for the kids & his dad who didnt deserve to be on his own but none of it was for him as he didnt deserve to be here. He has said he will get some counselling to sort out how he feels but he thinks he doesnt love me anymore. he says he has avoided saying anything as he doesnt want to hurt anyone & wants us to be happy. he says i deserve better. when i said how i felt & had been wondering if i could forge a life on my own I said i thought i could - i told him i felt happy in myself and had noticed other men taking notice of me. I could see him flinch & he didnt like this. I believe he really doesnt want this happening either but my gut instinct tells me its over - and now i cant stop thinking this. i dont work & probably wouldnt be able to - i have invested everything in him & the kids to build a good life & now its all falling apart - i have no idea how i willl cope & im scared & now feel i cant face tomorrow

• someone please help me

You sound like you are doing so well and being so strong. The future might seem scary, but you sound like you are more than capable of forging a brilliant life for you and your DC.

You just need to get through tomorrow...

Make him do all the graft for a start. You concentrate on the DC and enjoy them. At a reasonable hour, when the DC are ready to go to bed, get a headache and go yourself. Leave him to sort the mess.

I'm some sorry this as happened to you

I haven't read your other thread, but I'm sorry you're going through this. Relationship breakdowns are so disorienting.

I'm glad to hear you say you feel good in yourself and able to cope. Hold on to that feeling. And in those moments when you feel you aren't coping well, reach out to friends and to mn.

It's a terrible time of year for this to be happening, and one that often throws our family lives in sharp relief.

Take care of yourself .

thank you tralala - i have just been for asleep as i was up at 4.30 wrapping presents - i thought he might have done something whilst i was asleep - he hasnt - he's watching a film with the kids - actually hes asleep too so i guess this is affecting him as much as me - the house is a mess theres stuff that needs to be put away before his dad comes - part of me thinks i'll have to do it - the other part thinks why should i - he always leaves things to last minute perhaps hes thinking hell do it tomorrow

i dont think he really wants his dad to know things arent right & i really cant see how i can pull this off

One day at a time. You don't have to split today or tomorrow. You can take your time to figure how how much help you can get, and how much he'll have to pay towards the children.

As you are not working to take care of the family, he's supposed to pay you spousal maintenance, or you can negotiate the house, and any savings and pensions to cover up for that.

If he is a good man, he'll make sure the children have all they need.

I think you did well in not chasing him and showing yourself to be strong in being prepared to go at it alone. I suspect he expected you to beg him and be devastated.

This is where you stop covering up for him, with his dad and with the work at home.
I wouldn't go and tell FIL, but if he asked if something was going on, I'd tell him or tell him to ask his son.

i have noone i can really talk to -

Could you just say, "given the bombshell you've landed on me, you're going to have to pull your finger out."

There's no way you should be stressing yourself making a lovely family Christmas Day when husband has just said this to you.

Look after yourself

X

It's double hard when you can't confide in someone. Do you think FIL would help at all?

In any case, and to put your mind at rest, you can have a free first consultation with a solicitor, contact CAB about benefits and CSA for any future maintenance payments.

Could you try MN local for people in your area that you might make friends with?

i am devastated - im falling apart & right now i cant see how to get out of this mess- im trying to hold it together but really just want to scream & shout how can you do this to me

Do you think you'd feel better if you went out?

Screaming at the wind might do you good. :)

Staying in the house could be too claustrophobic.

"think you did well in not chasing him and showing yourself to be strong in being prepared to go at it alone. I suspect he expected you to beg him and be devastated."

^^ this! You did so well. Also completely understandable you want to scream at him. Will FIL take the kids on Boxing Day so you can have some time to yourself or do a bit of much needed shouting?

i should be doing stuff for tomorrow - and i would normally be - but i just cant summon the enhtusiasm to ice the cake - xmas has always been about family and making things nice for his parents- especially his mum - FIL is probably struggling himself -expecting to turn up here to something normal - it was supposed to be all about him helping him get through this but its just a mess

i dont know if this is the MH issues kikcking in - my heads whirring & i cant stop it - feel i want to bang my head against a wall until it goes away

i feel i need to get engrossed in something to take my mind of it but its xmas everywhere i turn

im going to take the dog out

Take care of yourself so that you can take care of your children, who deserve it.

You can wake him up and tell him that he can ice the cake and make it a good Christmas for his dad. You need time for yourself.

I can't find it now, but I noticed a comment in a newspaper today, telling people exactly that. To take care of their health, not to over do it just because it's Christmas.

Keep it simple. If there is no frosting on the cake, it's fine. You can still eat it. Just dust icing over it and it will look fine. :)

(Have a good walk with the dog, and don't return too soon)

Very bad timing on his part but for whatever reason he wanted it out and it's no good him saying now that he wished he hadn't.
Christmas is only one day, people build it up into this massive thing, I've had a few pretty low Christmasses the last few years, no family nearby and no partner either, but I've always got through it by telling myself it's just one day and made the most of it for the kids.

All the in's and out's can be sorted once you get the next couple of days out of the way. If he really has lost his feelings, then some decisions need to be made, you don't want to be lingering in limbo waiting for him to sort his head out, that's not fair on you. It's up to him to work out what he wants, but you do have to take back some control when all seems to be flying away from you...there is life after this, hold on in there and don't get too bogged down by Christmas day. You can only do so much and it's not for you to have to carry the whole day whilst you are in inner turmoil.

I am so sorry for you. It is a horrible situation being with someone who doesn't know how they feel.

However, this does not mean the end. Your DH is considering counselling which is a good thing. At least he is owning the confusion and not blaming you.

Christmas is such a magnifier of emotions...the way we feel becomes huge. We look at all the adverts about how Christmas 'should' be, what a family should be like, and we question what we have.

In three months' time you will not feel as bad as you do right now. A year from now you will be ok, whatever happens. You just have to get through one day at a time.

Be strong. Take care.

thank you for listening & replying

I hope you manage to have a good enough day.

Xx

Thinking of you this morning! X

Posted this on your other thread, but want to make sure you saw it:

I think what your H has done is the shittiest of shitty things. And the timing is spectacular.

I think if someone said this shit to me now, i'd tell them to go, that i'd not be clinging, begging to give it another go, please try etc.

Let him learn through loss!

How dare he crap all over your marriage, your life and everything this close to christmas. How dare he!

Anytime and every time he needs to stir things up, this is what he does, right?

Bugger that!

Stop thinking that you are defined by the ring on your finger, you are not. That gives him way too much power!

You deserve way better than this.

He needs to be reminded of this. Get angry and tell him to go and think about what he thinks gives him the right to treat you like this?

He HAS to get HIMSELF to counselling OR get the hell out of your life so that you can find someone who WILL treasure you as you deserve to be.

thank you lweji & tralala - have got through the day relatively ok - i decided i owed it to his mum to carry on as much as i could and i have to say he did what was needed to get things ready - even washed up which is a rarity - im hoping this wasnt just an act for his dad. am feeling emotionally drained so just need a few days of nothing & will see what happens - thank you again for your support and i hope you have had a good day