wwyd? friends going through a really rough time, leaning on me for support, but i don't know what to do.

[jimijack]

He has discovered that she is having an affair.
He is texting me telling me all about it. I think he is contacting a few people including her best friend about it all.

I feel sorry for them both & their two small children. Feel uncomfortable knowing what he has told me about it all.
This morning he has found evidence of her affair, after strongly suspecting.

She will go absolutely ballistic if she knows he is talking to so many people about their private business.

What would you do?

On the one hand, she really isn't in a position to go ballistic about anything, is she?

On the other, I can understand his point of view. I'd send him a text back saying you are thinking of both of them and hope they can sort things out.

I think it depends on whether he is contacting you because he needs the support or is being vindictive. If it is the former then I would say that she has broken the trust in the relationship and can hardly complain when he needs support for the consequences of her actions. If it is the latter and he is trying to turn people against her then I would distance myself.

He obviously needs some support and to talk about this to try and process a really horrible thing she is doing. Her going ballistic would be a selfish response to him needing support after her selfish affair.

If you're not happy in your relationship sort it or leave. Don't have an affair.

Oh my! I truly hadn't thought about that!
Actually that makes perfect sense.
He is being very controlled but very biased.

Inadvertently he has shown the issues in a two way street in that he spent an entire day reading out every text that they had sent each other since September. It was very telling...and draining, and unwanted but he wouldn't let me get a word in edge ways.

Just text him to say I'm thinking of them, he replied very angrily that she deserves nothing from no one.

I'm making this worse.

Can't stop thinking about them and how shit Christmas is going to be for them.

So sad.

he's going to be lashing out at this stage. Just try to be a sounding board for now so he can vent.

I have been in a similar situation - a good friend's husband had suspicions and contacted me several times about his perception of her behaviour.....i can only say distance distance distance.....he turned nasty and the police were involved. Turned out he was actually already having an affair himself, and had done so a few times before....but the very thought of her doing exactley what he had and was doing was "different" and he started on a path of very abusive behaviour, some directed at me. Incidentally, in this case she wasn't, but his behaviour ended the marriage. So the details are different, but seriously do not allow yourself to be pulled in, even if you consider him a friend. Block him.

I just feel so desperately sad for them all.
Can't stop thinking about them, filling up every time I do.

You are right though, there is absolutely no telling where this will go.
He has found solid evidence of her affair on Christmas eve. So things are going to be ramped up now.

So upsetting for everyone concerned.

Thanks for advice, it really is helpful as I just do not know how to react or what to say.

It really makes me thnk what her life with him prior to her affair was like.....if this is the way he is behaving now. An affair is never going to end well for anyone, and a massive error of judgement on her part (to say the least!) but if his reaction to it is of a controlling and abusive nature, rather than the hurt, horror, rejection etc which would be more "normal", then it sends a red flag as to his true nature and a suggestion of what their relationship in general may have been like. What she has done is inexcuseable, but IMO when a partner with EA tendencies discovers an affair, the gloves come off, everything ramps up because "she deserves it"......and he will lean on anyone with empathy (e.g. You) to get involved and be an audience, i found the bit where to state he read out all those texts really disturbing; you couldn't get a word in but also didn't feel able to say "stop, stop right there, i'm afriend to you both but this is your private business..."

This is going to get nasty, protect you and your family and step away x

I should clarify re the texts; i didn't mean you had reacted wrongly, i meant it sounded like he was bulldozing and i bet you aren't the only one x

Generally in these situations you can only be friends to one or the other of the two people involved. Certainly if you are providing active support. So I think you need to decide how much you want this guy to be able to lean on you. The reading out of all the text messages is weird and vengeful, alarm bells would be ringing for me about how much he is likely to try and drag you into the mess of "who knew what when/who said what to whom" that tends to explode when an affair is revealed.

I take it the wife doesn't know that you know? Were you meant to keep this a secret for him? It all sounds very messy. Are you actually more her friend than his? Him going to her best friend sounds extremely dodgy.

I would always support my friend in this situation, be it the man or woman (I don't really have couple friends where this is completely equal, there's always one person I worked with/was friends with for years). I wouldn't want the husband of one of my closest friends involving me this much, or telling me how much support or sympathy I could offer my friend. I also don't like what you are saying about his reading the texts out against what you wanted.

I would distance myself from him, say 'I don't want to hear it thanks' and then stay in contact with your friend. I know lots on here think once someone's had an affair we should treat them like a pariah, but I don't and have stayed friends with at least two friends who have had affairs (one male, one female). I never agreed with them, and pointed out the error of their ways but am glad we are still friends and would never side with a partner actively against them.

Taking all of your wonderful advice on board.
When he texts me and asks my opinion, I am throwing it back at him. "What does your gut TELL you?" That kind of thing.

EA is a definite possibility here I have gathered that he smothers her with "kindness". It is suffocating.

TBH he is dhs friend from childhood, they have known each other for over 30 years & I can only stand a couple of hours with him as he is far too intense.
His wife is a very very strong minded, self assured and confident person, you would never put them together. I can totally see how he has ground her down over the 12 years of marriage. But seemingly being the "perfect husband" his words.....

Stepped back significantly now. Feels better.

Thanks everyone, for those of you who have experienced this, a huge thank you for your wise words x