Certain DH has aspergers...

[TaytoCrisp]

DH is a great dad, smart, conscientious, and caring. However he also has significant problems with social interaction including:

• starting conversations - he rarely ever initiates conversation.
• sustaining conversation - he rarely follows up conversation and looks uninterested.
• expressing emotion - his facial expression is often blank, so I generally need to ask him how he feels
• picking up emotion in others
• timing in conversation - he tends to interrupt others and raise his voice to make a point, and doesn't get natural pauses in conversation.
• greetings- slow to read people signals, eg that they are about to greet him with a hug, which often results in the other person aborting their attempt.

I have grown used to this over many years, though it often makes me sad as I still often feel he is not really interested in me (even though I know rationally that he is, and that this is how he is with everyone, not just me). Strangely though he is very good with dd and does ask her questions and engages with her (she has been a great influence on him!).

I find it very stressful at holiday times when we are meeting my friends and family, as I think that after many years they still think he has no interest in them and he can come across as rude. I had numerous arguments with family members about this in the past, as people would often think he didn't have any time for them.

I think he has aspergers, and that it is at least in part genetic as some other male members of his family are similar.

I feel sad about this situation and wonder if there is any way to improve things. We have discussed this, and he did once agreed that he might have aspergers after we had another big fight around communication issues. But we don't know what to do about it. He says it doesn't bother him, but it does bother me.

I wonder if a diagnosis would be helpful - at least help explain some of this, and perhaps we could get some advice on strategies for improving things? Or maybe some relationship counselling would be the better way to go?

'He says it doesn't bother him, but it does bother me'

This is where all incompatibilities finally end up. Doesn't actually matter if it's a mental health issue, behavioural trait, bad habit or plain old personality defect. If it's a problem for you and not a problem for him then nothing whatsoever will change because he won't volunteer for counselling, diagnosis, reading self-help books or anything else. Even if he does any or all of those things, the likelihood is that he won't fully engage unless he believes the consequences of not engaging are severe enough.

So you either have to assume that this is who he is and that it's not going to change, or you have to present consequences dire enough for him to start bothering about his behaviour. There's no middle ground really.

What do you think a diagnosis will bring? There is certainly not a magic pill that will make him sociable if that is what you are hoping for.

Perhaps you do need to read up more about AS so that you can gain a greater understanding of why he might act the way he does. You are going to be much more successful in adapting your behaviour to meet his needs than expecting an AS individual to be able to change to meet the expectations of you, your family and your friends. It might not be fair that you have to do the work but after all it is something that is bothering you and not him so you have the motivation.

What strikes me is that he's very good with your DD.

Why is that?

I'd talk to a specialist just to understand it all better, or read about it. However,I don't think you can diagnose it, because you could just be wishing it was that. People tend to adapt evidence to their own beliefs and you could be ignoring obvious traits.

Ultimately, though, each of us can only change the way we respond to others. You must decide to accept and adapt or leave, because he doesn't see it as a problem and is not likely to change at all.

Has he always been like that?

When you first started seeing him, did he start conversations? Did he want to know about you and your life?

When he sees your daughter after an absence (eg at work) does he ask what she's been doing that day or how she's feeling?

My BiL was diagnosed w Aspergers in his 40s. He has always been really good w younger children but is finding the teen stage more difficult (just like everyone else, I guess, only more so).

His diagnosis has helped him by explaining why he has always felt 'different'.

It has helped his family by explaining some of the ways he behaved that just seemed rude. It has also helped us understand why some things, such as a last minute change of plans, upset him so much.

One thing it hasn't done is change him, or the way he acts. It helps my SiL to know there is a reason for some things, but only up to a point. He's still very difficult to be married to, although they are happy in many ways.

IME (good friend with HFA/ASD) this lack of social interaction isn't really the core of neuro atypicality, but then every ASD diagnosis is different.

The thing that I have found is really defining of ASD is to do with patterns of behaviour and meltdowns. Does your husband become agitated to the extreme self harm, stimming, really OTT upsetness when there is conflict, loud unexpected noise, things happening suddenly, chaos, or even being out of routine eg losing a bus pass?

Is he forgetful, little sense of time passing?

And so on. The kind of social interaction you describe could be learnt if other men in his family are like this. He could be very shy.

Meant to say re OTT behaviour: behaviour you would find OTT in a neurotypical adult. I've seen my friend curl into a fetal ball in the middle of the street if he gets into a meltdown ... MOst of the time he has strategies (as do his family, wife and friends) so that he doesn't get this far.

Someone I used to know was convinced her husband had aspergers. She pushed him to seek a diagnosis. He was diagnosed in September last year. After she treated him like a text book case, like someone she needed to be "fixing". He got worse. In January she left him and he broke down. I am of course not going into great detail, but there is a huge feeling that the diagnosis she pushed for made him feel broken, like he was stuck with a label.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to get across, but please think carefully about this, and what a diagnosis might mean for you and your family.

I am a similar stage with my H and recently spoke to him about aspergers.He has reacted badly as he feels I am blaming him.My H is highly defensive which is often a trait for AS but he also had an abusive childhood so struggles to accept responsibility for anything as in his childhood it meant he would be beaten.He was also bullied at school so finds any criticism hard to deal with.
2 years ago H did an online test which suggested he had aspergers, I wish we had seen a specialist counsellor then (look up Maxine Aston) as our relationship has detoriated since to the point of divorcing.Recently I started reading everything I could on aspergers and this has helped me understand H better, the stonewalling isn't emotional abuse just his way of shutting down when emotions run too high.My H is also a great dad but the children are 'his special interest' and complete focus.

I have found Maxine Aston books helpful, some other books insist if you have aspergers you act a certain way.I believe personality and upbringing have influences as well.What has caused our marriage to fail is that we moved away from my support network (if you have an aspergers partner you need to be surrounded by empathic friends), H changed jobs and is now having to be more social at work so when he comes home he barely speaks to me.In addition my daughter moved to Uni and she had (unwittingly) provided the balance in our home.My son, stepdaughter and partner have aspergers traits so I feel incredibly lonely.

I suggest you read books especially those for partners with AS and ensure you get your emotional support from elsewhere.Often those with an AS partner can feel very depressed as your feelings are often invalidated and the relationship is hard, hard work.There is a support thread OTBP called Cassie, have a look as you will find many people with the same issues.An example is my H has never been willing to share chores, he does it or I do it, the concept of us working together, i.e painting a room, is alien.I found this was a common issue on the thread.

Hi op.

I had a ds8 with a diagnosis of ASD&ADHD.
My youngest Ds5 is being assessed for ASD.

My dad, uncle & brother all gave aspergers/ASD. They don't have a diagnosis. They are all single. Isolated & deeply disfunctionial.

Ds8 is very complex. His diagnosis didn't help me to understand or manage him better. It helped get him into his school. He already received DLA & a statement, for a year before his diagnosis.

I read everything I can by Tony Attwood. Ive never been on a course about ASD. We missed out due to difficulties getting ds diagnosed. I can talk at the same in depth level as my ds EP. The knowledge i have helped me cope and understand my ds's.

Concentrate on gaining knowledge. A diagnosis for an adult does very little. There are few services or support available.

Good luck...

Hi OP. I think you need to ask yourself what you hope a diagnosis will achieve. As the parent of a son with Aspergers, also genetic, I agree with the posters who said that he can't really change. It would be like asking you to change fundamental traits of your personality because how you behaved socially was not acceptable to some people (for example liking to go to parties or see friends). Think how hurtful (and impossible) that would be.

Social difficulties are one of the major traits of autism and your H certainly sounds as if he has some aspie traits. However, are they really important? If he is a good partner and a good parent who clearly manages to hold down a job, isn't that sufficient? None of us are perfect. What about focussing on the positives of a partner with asperger syndrome - for example: honesty, no desperate need to look for the next new and entertaining thing all the time, no need to be the centre of attention, no engineered dramas, placing a high value on everyday family life. Personally I would value those things much more highly than being socially accomplished.

With or without a diagnosis, he will be the same person. You can't change him, nor should you try, we are all entitled to be unconditionally loved by our partners, but you can change how you regard him. Instead of seeing him as an embarrassment why not focus on his good qualities and just accept that socialising is not his thing. He is still coming out with you socially despite many aspie people finding socialising hard and crowds of people and noise very difficult. Give him credit for that. With your support and acceptance for him I suspect you would both be a lot happier.

IM (sadly fairly extensive) E the resources out there for autism are very poor, specially for adults. Even counsellors who say they specialise in autism often don't really. I think your best bet is to do some reading round the subject. I'd suggest publications by the National Autistic Society, Tony Attwood and Temple Grandin. Most importantly, please accept that this behaviour is not something he does to annoy you.

I hope this does not come over as aggressive. I don't mean to be, but I do think that as a society we over-value being extrovert and socially adept and fitting in. Being a good person is far more worthwhile.