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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

my hubbys mate making lude commnets grrr

40 replies

tiamariaxxx · 24/12/2013 00:10

Just wondering if i ignore it, laugh it off or tell my OH that hes bothering me. Cant work out if hes just having a laugh

He has known this friend since middle school and have always been very on/off. Both have slept with each other gfs in the past (which they now make fun of) before my time so i cant really make an issue of it. Im not saying i dont like him we have a laugh when were all together but like today hes popped round with a card and some choccies for kids and me and hubby a bottle of something for christmas. OH wasnt home from work and his sister was also actually round, and he made a comment about the bottle of alchhol about maybe me and him should share it instead of hubby bet i would have more fun with him than hubby and gave me a wink. SIL was actually discusted she doesnt like him anyway and its her reallly thats got me thinking that its not really on the way he talks to me.

Hes always starring at my chest aswell which ive noticed a few times (not sure if OH has), hes made commnts to OH about the size of them and on a couple of occaions hes told him hes gone too far. Hes always making a joke aswell about swapping partners for old times sake.

I know men will be men especially ones that still think their 16 but tonight hes really annoyed me, not sure if SIL influence has made me analyse the situation more, i do usually just ignore it. But i also realised i dont lik been alone with him glad SIL was there

OP posts:

Offred · 24/12/2013 10:43

Don't confuse "the lads" with men. You've clearly been trying to take the cool girl approach around sexist pigs and consequently your boundaries have been pushed back so you will tolerate unacceptable behaviour as "just boys being boys".

Like others I think there is a real problem with all the company you keep. This is not male behaviour but piggish behaviour.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 24/12/2013 10:53

Too true, offred.

Being "cool" about all this stuff just makes you look like a fool and opens you up to being treated like the token dollybird, tbh. These are grown men, not boys and your partner is a father, right ? Then he should start acting like one and if that means ditching twats who are not good people to have around kids then so be it.

Give up the "tomboy" image. I suspect that means you have always been a man's woman, yeah ? Get on better with men than women ?Translate that as manpleaser and we get closer to the true dynamic. The thing is, now you are mother and your priorities change but you are stuck with the unhealthy boundaries you had before.

You can change it though. It's easy enough. If you really want to that is and you can honestly say you are not secretly enjoying these knobbish men perving on you.

< counts down to lazyjaney steaming back in 3...2...1... >

Preciousbane · 24/12/2013 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 24/12/2013 10:58

Ah. P friend was like this. I called him out on it, told p how vile he was being, an that he was banned from my house until he learnt some respect and how not to letch
He's still banned
But when we go out he's respectful to me now no inappropriate behaviour at all.
Sorry I can't be more helpful, he sounds like a dick.
You could ban him from your home and tell DH that you don't want the dc learning from his behaviour? Neither of them could argue with that

Preciousbane · 24/12/2013 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peekska · 24/12/2013 11:02

OP, having read your recent thread your problem isn't just this vile friend of your H. Is this one of the mates you don't trust for the reasons you've talked about previously?

Original poster

tiamariaxxx · 24/12/2013 22:18

Hello, well its christmas so ill let the harsh comments go, too happy rigtht now to care. And for the record i wish i was 14 again... I personally see nothing wrong with having male friends and been 1 of the lads i just feel more comfortable doesnt make me a bad person does it?

No my OH is far from perfect i know but he isnt some bad monster either :)

Peekska Im pressuming you mean my first post on here last weeek think it was? Yes its the guy who was having a party who OH was supposed to be going but didnt go in the end

OP posts:

EBearhug · 24/12/2013 22:27

There's nothing wrong with having male friends, but all friends should treat each other with respect, whether male or female, and this person isn't doing that.

Original poster

tiamariaxxx · 24/12/2013 22:35

I know i wouldnt class him as a friend hes my OHs friend as i refer to him. Dont worry i am actually dying to say something back to him now, like my sister said to me today i should make a personal comment to him and see how he likes it.

Ive told my OH anyway that he was a bit creepy with it yesterday and said that his sister had witnessed it, he said he will keep an eye on him. Him calling round was a 1 off he only usually comes if OHs here and last few times hes had his lass with him anyway

OP posts:

Offred · 25/12/2013 00:54

No-one's saying you can't have male friends or that makes you a bad person. They're taking issue with what seems to be your understanding of what male is!

Lucylloyd13 · 25/12/2013 08:18

He fancies you and is chancing his arm.

Be firm, next time (and there will be a next time) tell him that his behaviour is making you feel uncomfortable and is inappropriate, and if he does not stop you wont be seeing him on his own, or with your husband, again and you shall tell your husband why.

The air will be heavy with him slamming into reverse gear.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 25/12/2013 08:36

But if he is letching on you, he's not treating you like one of the guys.

Glad you've talked to your H.

Original poster

tiamariaxxx · 26/12/2013 21:46

OK im planning on not commenting again on this as far as im concerned i know what needs doing if im in this position again and i will deal with it, obviously i say that now but may feel the need to reply to someone....

OFFRED- course i know what a male is. I know the difference between a good 1 and a bad 1 if thats what your meaning I know exactly how males should be acting, and hopefully my sons are going to grow up to be decent ones. So my OH is not perfect but i would rather have his bad bits including his idiot mates (to be fair who he hardly sees) than put up with what alot of women have to put up with.... Ive been brought up with my bio dad an alchie beeting my mum, cheating and gambling and trust me my life is roses compared to that

OP posts:

Offred · 27/12/2013 11:12

That's the trouble isn't it when you've grown up with what you have, you are more naturally inclined to put up with things you shouldn't.

Offred · 27/12/2013 11:20

Think you probably have to face up to the fact your oh may be similarly creepy when you're not around. It's quite worrying that he still hangs out with this guy and has him so close to the family. If he was being a creep with this girl in the pub that would certainly explain the text you got from your friend.

Honestly I think you deserve much better than this. Ok it isn't as bad as for some but it still isn't good enough really to have him hanging out with these druggy creeps and possibly perving/snorting himself.

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