Need help, I am so messed up about DH (long)

[Rocklover]

Hi all,

I have posted several hundred times (it feels like) with regards to my marriage problems, but now I feel like I am losing my mind and I am not coping well. Brief overview, met DH 8 yrs ago, been married 4, major probs last yr after DD was born (he couldn't cope) and DH spent most of the yr being evil to me. We had to sell our house as we could not afford it as I am a SAHM (not just my choice) and we are now lodging with my parents.

Right, now for the problem. I really don't think I love him anymore, we are going out together more, he is being nice to me (although he is pretty lazy) and he loves DD very much. However I just can't bear to be near him, he iritates me constantly and I cannot bring myself to sleep with him. I can't talk about the way I feel as he thinks our relationship is now back on track because we don't argue, thing is that is because I just don't talk to him anymore (he is not good at talking about probs) and he is happy that we don't have financial problems.

I feel like we are friends with a common interest in DD, I feel like I want to let go of this marriage but my guilty conscience won't allow me to, I have been feeling like this since Feb. I would like to go to counselling (alone), but cannot afford it as I am having treatment on my back and driving lessons. He is not brilliant with personal hygiene (doesn't clean his teeth everyday and doesn't shower every day). Not interested in wearing nice clothes, we don't share any hobbies at all (he is mainly into sports and politics and his job as a teacher).

There are many things I need to improve in my life, but until I can make a decision about this marriage I cannot move on. I just want to fall back in love with him and for all this to go away. I feel so guilty about feeling this way that I cannot bring myself to do anything about it, please help, I am going mad.

Thanks

Dont feel guilty you have a perfect right top change your feelings. It sounds as though you have been fighting this for some time and as many of us here can testify it takes time for things to get so bad that calling it a day is an option. I think many women struggle hard to make things work.

Relate do see people on their own adn they base their charges on what you can afford.

Thanks GF, I know you are going through a difficult time right now and I can safely say that my problems are nowhere near as severe as yours...again that is where the guilt comes in.

My DH was "evil" last yr, but not physically, just shouting, even screaming at me, severe mood swings, swearing at me, extremely lazy, iterspersed with periods of niceness and calm. I know he was depressed, but wouldn't see a Dr and I know I had my faults too. This is why I feel so bad, surely he should be alot worse for me to give up the marriage? but I just can't face it anymore and feel like I am cheating myself and him.

You cant compare one persons problems with another what seems huge to you or me may seem like small things to others!

Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as anything physical and it is the pattern which is wearing.

I think you sound at the end of your tether does your DH know this? Have you tried discussing it at all or do you feel it is gone beyond that?

Well, I don't think I can just say to him that I don't love him. Our relationship is just empty...he seems to like the quietness of it all and I hate it...I would prefer a few rows!!! I just can't recover from last yr, used up all my resources!!

Could he move out of your parents' home? Would you be able to manage financially if he did, since you want to be a SAHM?

LOL Rockface no I dont suppose you can but you could tell him in a more gentle way and to me you sound resentful that he has used up all your resources. You sound as though you feel you have given him a huge amount and he gives nothing??

Yes I suppose I do resent him, many things happened last yr that are too complicated to go into. He knows how awful he was and has admitted it, and he is trying to make up for it. However, when he gets ill (which is frequently...bit of a hypochonriac)it drives me nuts, he complains constantly about stupid things (like his "frozen" shoulder when all he had done was slept funny and pulled a muscle, was better in a few days). He slept in both days on the weekend the other week as he was "too tired" to get up with DD and although that sounds trivial, to me it was just another act of thoughtlesnsess! This is one of the main problems, that although he loves me, he just doesn't think of me, always puts himself first. I have tried talking till I'm blue in the face about all the problems, but it never made any difference. He is very hard to reach sometimes, can't deal with unhappiness or (my) problems....I blame this on his horrendous parents..I think it is something that he cannot change as he doesn't even recognise that he does it. Anyway I am rambling...he is not a bad man, just very, very difficult to live with.