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Original poster

Should I have it out with him?

26 replies

OliveBee · 23/12/2013 17:36

I started at a new work place earlier this year and met a man there. I thought he was kind and caring. We get on very well, have similar interests and have a good laugh together. He would casually drop into conversation that he thought I was attractive.He would talk about being single and wanting to find someone, do things around the office to help me, remember little details about my life. He frequently asked me if I was going to office events (although for various reasons, I couldn’t). This has been going on for about three months.

I very rarely think anyone fancies me, but he was very full on and encouraging. Despite being initially reticient to form feelings for someone at work, I eventually did fall for him. I began to be encouraging back.

But at no stage did he ever actually asked me out. Last week I got fed up and sent him an email with my number at the bottom. (We hadn’t exchanged numbers to this point). Nothing full on, but fairly clear what I meant. He replied with his own number, saying I should contact him if there were ever any work related incidents. That was it. It was quite clearly a brush off. I haven’t seen him since then and won’t until the New Year.

I feel pretty miserable to be honest. I would have put money on him liking me and I have never thought him to be someone who plays games or messes around with people’s feelings. It is not just losing him that makes me feel sad – it is the fact that I don’t seem to be a good judge of character. I am pretty shy and it took a lot for me to come out of my shell with him.

My question is – do I talk to him about it? I am pretty sensible and wouldn’t be accusatory or emotional. I just want to know why this has happened. I had a similar incident with a guy in January 2012 – which makes me think the problem is me rather than them.

The other part of me thinks I need to pick up my dignity and move on, but I am not sure how to behave around him.

I was never “unprofessional”, but we obviously had a friendship. I don’t think I even want that anymore. I’m feeling pretty confused and I am not sure what to do.

Any help would be much appreciated!

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 23/12/2013 17:59

Did you say in the email why you had attached your number? maybe he thinks it is in relation to work or perhaps he is too worried to act on it just in case he got it wrong?

Blushingm · 23/12/2013 18:14

Maybe he was hoping for a 'work related incidentWink'

NB don't listen to me - my life is completely fucked right now

HanselandGretel · 23/12/2013 18:21

Could you have read the signals wrong OP? Just it sounds like you gave him the perfect opportunity to ask you out by enclosing your number but his reply makes it clear he wants to keep it purely professional.
It may be he does find you attractive but would not want, for whatever reason to take it any further.

justmethen · 23/12/2013 18:26

He might have been just enjoying the flirting and didn't want anything more so has backed off. You could email something cheeky about a work event coming up to see how he responds just to be sure you have read the signs right.

HanselandGretel · 23/12/2013 18:29

Oh Christ, no, don't send any more emails. Really, he has made his position clear.

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 23/12/2013 18:29

Some people flirt but dont have any romantic intentions.
ive read it on here from women who say they do it, they say its fun, they say its harmless, etc etc.
maybe thats what he was doing and when you sent that email he though oh shit and decided he had to be clear that he wasnt looking for a romance?

winkywinkola · 23/12/2013 18:37

Oh dear.

I know how crushing this can be.

Do you think he may be a serial flirter who loses interest as soon as his target warms up, as it were?

I really really think you shouldn't pursue this one, tempting as it is to get to the bottom of this very odd episode.

You have done nothing wrong so maintain your dignity as you say. There will be no solving of a great mystery because it's not a great mystery.

It may be you in the sense that wallies like this one realise you are shy, a bit of a challenge etc.

They may relish the fact that they captured your interest.

I for one don't think flirting with no intent is always harmless as it causes confusion and upset especially among the more straightforward of people.

If he starts up again with flirting, I would just ignore him and keep professional. He had his chance and he didn't take it.

Original poster
OliveBee · 23/12/2013 18:38

Hi all, thanks for your replies. I had figured that it was just that he enjoyed flirting - but the problem is that his words went way beyond that.

I don't want to out myself by saying too much (although God knows who would read this and know about this!) but he made constant references to wanting to find someone, would say something to me and then say "I bet that's the most romantic thing you've ever heard" and when I tease him about things, say things like "that is what my future wife will have to put up with" or "that would be different if I had a girlfriend" complete with knowing look.

I have obviously read the signals wrong at some stage, but at the same time I am pretty angry at him. It has been fairly obvious that I liked him for a while. I thought at the very least he liked and respected me. If he was decent, he would have backed off sooner.

I have decided to get a new haircut, some gorgeous clothes and strut into the office looking amazing in the New Year. Only speak to him about professional things and be as nice as pie to everyone else. Is that a good strategy?

OP posts:
Original poster
OliveBee · 23/12/2013 18:40

Sorry cross posted with Winky. Thanks.

What I hate the most is that it will now be much harder for me to trust that the next person who shows an interest in me is being sincere. Xmas Sad

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 23/12/2013 18:43

Looking amazing and gorgeous is always a good strategy Wink. Oh, be nice to him as well, not flirtatious of course, but just as though he were one of the girls. It will drive him crazy. Giving him the cold shoulder will indicate he's got to you; the best revenge is demonstrating he hasn't.

Blushingm · 23/12/2013 18:45

Could his reply be his way of checking why you enclosed your number?? Ie were you being professional or were you giving it for personal reasons?

Maybe he was hoping you'd reply with some flirty comment about incidents at work or something??

Original poster
OliveBee · 23/12/2013 18:47

Hi Blushing, no I don't think so. Xmas Sad. I put a little breezy message about not being a stranger over Christmas, so he knew why I had put my number in the email.

OP posts:
Original poster
OliveBee · 23/12/2013 18:48

Annie, I will definitely work on that. In the past, I would have blamed myself for this kind of situation (I'm too fat/ugly/needy/boring etc). This time, I am blaming him. You are right, the best thing to do is to make it clear he hasn't got to me.

OP posts:
Roshbegosh · 23/12/2013 18:50

Back off OP, he's just not that into you. It's no big deal, only a misunderstanding and plenty of others out there will be into you. Don't stalk him and make a fool of yourself. He could even take it to HR.

MiniTheMinx · 23/12/2013 18:55

You said he replied with his own number, what number? work or home or mobile? if the emails are work emails are they checked? I wouldn't put anything leading or personal into a works email, maybe he wouldn't either but if the number is not his ext at work, what number is it?

Blushingm · 23/12/2013 18:56

Oh, I'm sorry Olive.

Not fun when things don't pan out like you thought they possibly would

Original poster
OliveBee · 23/12/2013 19:13

Mini, it was his mobile I am fairly sure it is not going anywhere. No doubt it will all come out after Christmas if it is a big misunderstanding, but I don't think it is.

Rosh thanks I don't think I behaved inappropriately or done anything HR worthy. Nor do I intend to.

Thanks Blushing. Smile

OP posts:
SirRaymondClench · 23/12/2013 19:32

Olive could he not have been testing the water with the 'ring me over work related incidents'?
I mean is your work something you would need to speak to him about work related incidents even?
How long ago did you email him?
Maybe he will text you soon Xmas Smile

ImperialBlether · 23/12/2013 19:42

I think he is married or with someone.

That message was too formal, as though he thought someone else might read it.

MiniTheMinx · 23/12/2013 19:53

Or maybe management check emails

olathelawyer05 · 23/12/2013 21:58

There's nothing to 'have out' with him.

wileycoyote · 23/12/2013 23:09

Yeah, how likely are 'work related incidents'?

EBearhug · 23/12/2013 23:16

Move on, have a great life without him.

Mumsyblouse · 23/12/2013 23:23

I have had this a couple of times over the years, someone has really given off the vibes they like you, suggested meeting up but when I've come forward they've backed off. Who knows why? At least this way nothing has been said and you can just put a brave face on and pretend there's nothing in it for you (while moaning to your friends and on MN). Nothing lost here except a tiny bit of your pride. Your strategy of looking great and keeping it very professional is the way to go- you are handling this just fine.

beaglesaresweet · 24/12/2013 00:20

yes, his response was too formal and careful. If he wanted to contact you outside work, huge would call or text you - no need to ask you to contact him instead. It dd sound like a polite exchange of numbers as if someone may read this.
He's either just met someone new or he's scared of office gossip if emails are read by management, but then it sounds like he was quite obvious flirting in the office, so unlikely to be that really. He may just be odd, and like to fantasise and pretend, to be honest ot was too full on the things hesaid to you BEFORE asking you out (re wife and GF), it was dubious to me at that point of your OP. Maybe it was jus tto boost his ego .