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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Possible childhod sexual abuse and what to do next

5 replies

TirAnna · 23/12/2013 16:30

I'll try and keep this as brief as I can!

I've had vague suspicions for the last couple of years that something may have happened to me sexually when I was too young to remember it. I don't have any direct evidence for that and mostly dismissed it as being implausible, so it's not something I've given a huge amount of thought to. However, recently I became aware of some things that made it seem more likely - again not directly relating to my life, but information about the way victims of childhood abuse often behave that fits well with things I've noticed in myself.

I don't know if I'm going crazy or what - I keep looking at the evidence and swinging between thinking I'm in denial because it's so obvious and thinking I'm twisting the facts to suit the story iyswim. I'd really like some kind of resolution at least on whether anything happened but I don't know if there's any way to do that. I can't ask my family (although if anything did happen they won't have been involved in any way), and anyway I'm making a request with the police to see if they have anything on file, and if it's not been reported then my family almost certainly don't even know about it.

I don't really know what I'm asking - I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to proceed further. In some ways it doesn't feel like that big a deal tbh - it's not going to ruin my life if it's not resolved or anything like that, but it would be good to get some answers, or at least know where to go to sort out some of the resulting issues.

TIA Smile

OP posts:
TirAnna · 23/12/2013 16:31

I'm going out for a few hours by the way but I haven't abandoned the thread!

OP posts:
BurningBridges · 23/12/2013 17:47

www.napac.org.uk

Have a chat with a counsellor here.

Puttheshelvesup · 23/12/2013 19:51

I have been in the exact same situation. I will write what has happenend to me over the last couple of years. I don't know if it will be helpful as every situation/individual is different, but you may find some of it useful. Since my late teens/early 20's i have suspected that i was 'tampered' with as a very young child, maybe 2-4 years old. It was just a feeling that something had happened but no specific memory. I exhibited some sexualised behaviour as a child, and knew things about male anatomy that I should not have known. I had no emotions as such, just suspicion and slight unease.

Two years ago the memories started to come back. First I remembered an event but not a perpetrator, which was very traumatic, and after 18 months more I remembered who it was.

Most of the trauma was due the unprocessed emotions that accompanied the first memories; fear, confusion, guilt, self loathing etc. It was devastating. I felt like I was going mad at times, especially due to the haziness of the memories and didn't trust that they were accurate at all. I was already for in therapy for social anxiety at the time and had a good support system, so I was in the best possible position to deal with it.

After 18 months of this I was desperate to resolve it. I'd had enough and I just wanted it over with so I began researching memory retrieval. I didn't like the idea of hypnosis as the memories retrieved in such a manner are not particularly accurate, and my need to 'tie up loose ends' meant that my brain may have made false connections and create false memories.

I decided to try meditation as a way of managing the depression and hoped it would lead to memories resurfacing naturally. By being in a more emotionally resilient and stable place through the meditation the memories came backback on their own (not during meditation, they just came back when I was boiling the kettle one morning).

By this point I had done so much grieving already that it wasn't really a big deal. Not knowing who it was for 18 months was far, far worse than remembering. The person could have been a family member and the fear of that was excruciating. As it turns out it was a family friend who lives in my town still, although I've had no contact with him since I was a child.

At some point I will report him. I still doubt my memories and sometimes feel that my mind could have just made it up, and I don't think that doubt will ever go away. Reading the NAPAC website is good reassurance that I am sane as nearly all victims seem to suffer from this.

I would not recommend doing anything to trigger memory retrieval without talking it through with a counsellor who has experience of this. You may feel emotionally robust now, but the possibility of experiencing huge emotional trauma is something to be aware of. I would also tell a friend or family member who is able to provide support if you need it.

Hope this helps. And sorry for epic post!

TirAnna · 24/12/2013 18:37

Thank you Puttheshelvesup that was an amazing post (don't worry about it being long!) It gives me a lot of hope to hear that it's possible for memories to come back, as distressing as it must be - I just hate the idea of never being able to know one way or another. It also means I'm constantly feeling like I must be making it up to get attention and/or clear answers to things like previous MH problems - probably you've felt something like this as well, I imagine it must be quite common.

I've had counselling before but not relating to this - I never really felt comfortable bringing up my issues around sexuality there and tbh I didn't find it very helpful in general, but I'll give BurningBridges' suggestion a go, thanks for that.

I have one friend who I've mentioned it to although I haven't seen him since (sent it in an email) so I'll see how that goes. I can't tell my family as despite being generally supportive and lovely they're also very no-nonsense and have a tendency to think I'm a bit of a drama queen as far as anything mental health related goes, so I dread to think of the reception this would get Hmm

Thank you both again for the advice - Puttheshelvesup do you mind if I PM you to ask some more questions?

OP posts:
Puttheshelvesup · 24/12/2013 20:09

No, not at all. Happy to help Smile

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