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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sexual abuse?

20 replies

Usernamechanger · 23/12/2013 14:33

I don't know why this has come back to me today. I remember it periodically, shudder and usually try to push the memory away again.

When I was 16, I used to visit a friend regularly. Her father used to expose himself to me - usually standing behind her, so that she couldn't see what he was doing, but I could. He made unsavoury remarks to me and tried to stroke my hand when no-one was looking.

One night, I came home from a party to discover that he'd put a pornographic magazine under my bedclothes, ready for me to discover. The worst thing was that he had opened it to a particular page. I could hear him moving around in his room and was terrified that he was going to come into my room, but he didn't.

I think I stopped going after that. It may seem ridiculous that I didn't stop going before, but I think I thought I could cope, in the way teenagers do.

That's it. He never touched me, apart from the horrible hand-stroking thing. I think this is why I never told anyone and feel a bit embarrassed about talking about it now. It made me feel frightened and disgusted, but I know that it is nothing compared to what other people go through, so I'm lucky really.

I'm not sure why I'm posting really. I have never really 'processed' it, I think, and thought it might help to hear some wise MN words.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 23/12/2013 14:44

but I know that it is nothing compared to what other people go through, so I'm lucky really

If that had happened to me I would NOT consider myself lucky at all.
Most people don't have to deal with this kind of thing at all.
It happened when you were young and it is coming back now so you need to tackle this.

The usual advice of course, is to try counselling. You need to come to terms with this and a professional outsider may be just what you need to help you through.

What happened to you is NOT normal and would be traumatic for anyone!
Try not to minimise it - as this has probably brought you to this place in time.

Lweji · 23/12/2013 14:55

More like you had a lucky escape.

I agree that counselling may be a good idea to deal with your feelings about it.

On the other hand, you should feel good that you had good enough boundaries and took action to avoid him and not let it go further.
It's possible he had and has done it to others, as he seemed so at ease doing it and quite obvious. Sadly, they may not have reacted in the same way you did. :(

TBH, I'd worry about her too.

cjel · 23/12/2013 15:09

Please don't minimise the wrong that this person did to you or underestimate the trauma it can have caused you.Your feeling about this are valid and as they cause you to be disturbed then you thats ok as well and you shouldn't feel you are being silly because you feel it was minor.

I would definitely recommend counselling to work through this, It doesn't have to always haunt you and this person has had enough of your life already so find someone to talk it all through with and your feelings will change.xxx

Original poster

Usernamechanger · 23/12/2013 15:15

If that happened to me I would NOT consider myself lucky at all. I was genuinely surprised by this, hellsbells. I thought it was too minor to make a fuss about, compared to what other people go through. Felt a bit embarrassed to post about it, to be honest.

Lweji - sadly, he had access to a lot of young girls, including his own daughters. And it was a very dysfunctional family .

I wish I hadn't remembered. Something triggered it and now it has cast a shadow over my family Christmas. I want it to go away again.

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ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 23/12/2013 15:17

Agree don't minimise it why happened to you was as bad as anything else. IMO you were sexually abused because exposing children to pornographic material is abuse so obviously showing them sexual organs follows that it is abuse. He knew it would frighten you or concern you so was also emotional abuse.
I'm sorry you went though this. I'm tryin not to minimise something that recently happened to us because it didn't go any further than exposing themself and masturbating as well a encouraging/making my ds to do the same.. I do count us lucky that we found out before it developed into anything worse though not minimising what actually happened.
I would definitely seek counselling if you believe you need it and will benefit from it as there may have been knock on effects that still follow you to this day. Best of luck x

CogitoMerrilyOnHigh · 23/12/2013 15:17

How long ago did this happen? Would he still be around?

GotMyGoat · 23/12/2013 15:20

This time of year is so horrible for these memories, i'm sorry you are going through this.

Any sort of unwanted exposure is sexual abuse. I'm so pleased you decided not to go back - I wonder if your friend ever found out?

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 23/12/2013 15:21

You could also report it if he is still alive it would maybe help the healing process

CailinDana · 23/12/2013 15:21

You were not lucky. Do not devalue yourself in that way. You and all women deserve to go through their entire lives without ever being intimidated and abused in this way. He knew you were uncomfortable and he enjoyed that, the horrible nasty pervert. Your poor friend having a dad like that. He should never have done any of those things to you.

How are you feeling about it all?

Original poster

Usernamechanger · 23/12/2013 15:27

GotmyGoat - my friend asked me if he'd done anything inappropriate years later and I lied to her and pretended he hadn't. I thought I was protecting her, but maybe I was also protecting myself.

Cogito - I'm not sure if he's still alive, but could probably find out.

Things - thanks for your message. I'm so sorry for what has happened to your DS. That must be just awful for you to deal with. On the other hand, at least you know about it and can protect him and take action. It would be harder for your DS if he felt he couldn't tell you.

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Original poster

Usernamechanger · 23/12/2013 15:29

Cailin - I feel sick actually. Just went and asked for a hug from my very lovely DH. He had a similar experience when he was a child (in his case, the man went to prison), so he empathises.

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Original poster

Usernamechanger · 23/12/2013 15:30

I wonder how it affected my sexuality. It was years before I lost my virginity. I felt that as soon as I became that intimate with a man, he would see me for what I really was and not want to be with me anymore.

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ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 23/12/2013 15:31

Your friend may have asked because something may have happened to her or another friend

glammanana · 23/12/2013 15:32

I would be worried if this person was still around,I would be frightened for the safety of any young children in the family if this guy has got away with it for so long and no one has reported it,it is not your fault this has happened and you should not blame yourself I can see no harm in you having a chat with a councillor & you may be able to put these thoughts to the back of your mind at long last. Take care x

Original poster

Usernamechanger · 23/12/2013 15:36

Things - I know .

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CailinDana · 23/12/2013 15:40

None of what happened was your fault in any way. You should feel no shame whatsoever. He should not have done those things to you. It was totally wrong and you are not to blame.

Original poster

Usernamechanger · 23/12/2013 16:21

Cailin - it's hard to know if it's shame I feel. I feel disgusted and sullied, somehow, but is that shame? I don't think I blame myself. I just wish it hadn't happened.

Thank you for the kind messages everyone. I am going to put this memory back in its box and concentrate on making Christmas lovely for my DC now. Will namechange back to my usual, so I may not come back to this thread.

OP posts:

Lweji · 23/12/2013 16:26

Maybe you could talk to your friend again and tell her about it? I suspect she would have a lot to tell you too.
But it might be good for both.

But, if you have counselling, at least you will be able to talk to a person in real life about it. Sometimes we need to get these things out to process them properly.

BelaLugosisShed · 23/12/2013 16:34

I had repeated, similar experiences with an in-law from the age of 12-16 . made worse by the fact that I lived with them, so felt under constant threat, it was over 30 years ago but it still makes me feel sick to think about it.
He was also a violent and abusive bully, almost psychopathic in his behaviour - it wouldn't have surprised me to find out that he was a serial killer and/or rapist , thankfully there were no other girls in the family after me, he never had children thank god.

He is still alive though and has rather a charmed life, so I don't believe in this karma stuff .

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 23/12/2013 17:43

My counsellor mentioned having a mental backpack for things I didn't want to deal with right away.
Don't let that man ruin Christmas for you, you've had support here and will get it, so if its ok and that's what you want to do, put it away until you're ready - un mn hugs xx

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