Melancholy Memories at Christmas

[NeoFaust]

Hello all.

I'm a lurker who comes to Mumsnet because I like hearing from a female perspective, and this is so far the most male-friendly yet female centric forum I've found. I guess what I'm looking for now is a little of that female perspective - it'll likely be identical to my male friends perspective, but frankly (and not to overly stereotype) it's also likely to be delivered a tad more gently, which at this point I'd appreciate. Though please give me a merciless smack if you feel I deserve it.

Enough waffling. I'm currently feeling miserable and I'm being troubled with memories and feelings about an exgirlfriend - not in any 'I wish we were still together" sense, but in the sense that I see her pictures with her new boyfriend on facebook and suddenly it feels like I'm falling. Normally, this isn't an issue - we exchange brief messages on our birthdays and I look at her photographs and feel honestly glad that she looks happy. Maybe it's the time of year (we broke up before christmas) and maybe it's that I'm just weak right now (been through a week of virus and lost weight I couldn't spare) but I just feel overwhelmed with sorrow and loneliness.

It's ridiculous for me to feel this way. My partner now is incredibly loving and supportive. As far as I am aware we have no issues. She is focused on her family and christmas at the moment (for me, neither is much of a big deal, which she understands) which is why I haven't mentioned this to her; Normally, she'd be my first port of call, but I don't want to add my emotional turbulence to her seasonal stress. I haven't seen her for a week though - I was laid up at home while she was still working and shopping. Of course, this is quite right, she shouldn't be flitting round tending me while she's got stuff on. However, it has probably contributed to me feeling very empty, no matter how factually stupid that feeling might be.

My male friends would say man up, get over it and her. Which is the right thing, obviously. I guess what I'm looking for is someone, anyone who can understand that right now, no matter how stupid or weak these feelings might be, however they might be based on entitlement or clingyness, right now they're really real and really hurt.

I hate feeling this way and I hate myself for feeling this way. I should be focusing on the present, not the pain of the past, but I feel so low.

You feel the way you feel and really no one can judge you for that - in any case you're doing a fine job of beating yourself up!

you've been unwell, you miss your partner, you're doing some reminiscing and you feel a bit low. All entirely natural and understandable. I have to say, your current partner sounds incredibly understanding though - do you really have the kind of relationship where you can tell her how you feel about your ex?

How long ago did you break up with your ex? Do your thoughts turn to her when you have time to yourself normally, or is this unusual?

I think it's understandable that, feeling shit and alone at Christmas, you've become a bit maudlin and you're holding yourself a little pity party :) But it would be far better for you to ask your partner if she could come over than dwelling on a dead relationship.

On a practical note, have you got enough food in? I'm sure your spirits will lift once you start feeling physically better, and you've obviously been sick as a dog. Not nice.

I'd say that you can wallow for a while and as you get out and about again and start living again the feelings you don't like now will diminish.
Don't read too much into feeling like this , illness, stopping your normal life and christmas are all reason you can feel low.

All our moods are flexible and constantly changing ; eg. if you had a really lovey experience and felt the happiest you have ever felt you would not expect that to last so don't expect this low mood to last either.

Hopefully you will get fed up with this wallow soon and as you get well will start to want to do more to lift yourself again.

tribpot, FloWhite, cjel

Thank you very much for responding. It's nice to have some outside verification that I'm not being completely pathetic (a little, I'm aware, but not completely).

FloWhite - yes, under normal circumstances my partner and myself discuss everything. I know about every ex she's had, including the ones that are still a matter of regret (in a box unticked kind of way) and she knows about all mine and any impact they have on my present life. It's not always easy for either of us to say it or hear it, but we're big believers in the total clarity thing for all our issues. Except, of course, for when she's stressed with Christmas, her boyfriend is being a pathetic sniffling lump and she really doesn't need the additional hassle. Then, I think, it's better for me to just smoke it up and let the blues clear on their own.

I think you're right. Just let them pass. Merry Christmas Faust.

Ha.HA. Who said you weren't being pathetic - Sorry - a joke ,I don't think you are really.x