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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

help me beat my green eyed monster into submission

3 replies

ifIsaynodontjustaskdad · 23/12/2013 10:34

Due to my past history (multiple exes cheated on me, occasionally with multiple other women) I'm not so good with trusting. This is my issue and I need help to deal with it.

I've posted previously about my difficulty being the high libido partner and the constant rejection that entails but dh has never given me a reason not to trust him. I do think he loves me.

He very rarely goes out, but Friday went out for works do and rolled in half cut at 2.30 am, and drunkenly confided that he would swear this girl he works with was hitting on him.

I dread to think what she was doing to make him notice this; at our kids birthday party in September one of the other kids mother's practically tried to Velcro herself to him, I know thus wasn't me being paranoid as other mothers were commenting on it to me. Aside from commenting that he found her annoying he was oblivious.

This isn't an isolated thing, it does happen quite a bit. At a friend's wedding a few years ago my friends work colleague was sat at our table for the meal and was practically trying to sit on his lap, my friend , sat on her other side did actually pull her to one side and say "you do realize he's sat next to his wife don't you". I really don't think he had been encouraging in either case, just trying to illustrate that he doesn't notice when he's being hit on. He is quite good looking but not really aware of it if you see what I mean?

Anyway my trust issues mean that I am essentially obsessing about this woman. I don't even know her name. I know it was him, one other, also married bloke, and two women from work that were on this night out. I need to get a grip, so please oh mn gurus share your strategies for getting over yourselves.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 23/12/2013 10:40

Half of the world are female. Your dh will always be around women. If he wants to cheat he will. Nothing you say or do will prevent that. You will have to trust him until he gives you reason not to.

Look at it this way. Why would you want a man who doesn't want to be with you anyway? If he wants to leave, he can. He is with you because he wants to be.

Provided that he knows how vitally important it is for you to be able to trust him, he shouldn't get himself into situations that could be misread. That is a common courtesy and shows respect to you.

ifIsaynodontjustaskdad · 23/12/2013 10:59

Thank you fair, that's what I keep telling myself. It doesn't seem to be sinking in though, hence the request for a public shaking if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 23/12/2013 11:06

You could ask him to be more assertive if he thinks someone is getting too close or personal. It's quite easy to just move away, or say 'I'm not comfortable with that'.

We worry about seeming rude, offending others or hurting their feelings but as long as he understands that your feelings are the most important to him, he will be fine asserting himself.

Maybe buy him a book or two for Christmas if you think he needs some help there?

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