Called it quits, not sure what to do now!

[shentok]

morning all, so last night I ended it with dh, we've decided to do xmas for ds and then call it quits. he can't see how his behaviour and comments hurt me and whenever I try to talk to him he does the silent act on me. He just says I play the victim and never apologises to me. I've forgiven his traits for the last 9 years as he had a shocking childhood but I cant let that be an excuse forever. He won't do counselling and has absolutely no interest in listening to me, just calls me immature (with no explanation) and then locks himself in the bathroom. so now I need to consider the practical side of things. at first I assumed he would stay in the house as he has no where else to go but if he used his income to rent somewhere else, could I get help paying the mortgage? I fear he will get quite nasty and spiteful but at the same time I'm worried how this will effect him and I'm not sure what the next step should be. I'm not sure if I've made much sense but any advice would be truly appreciated. Thanks x

If the mortgage is in both names, you are both responsible for paying it. So if you ask him to rent elsewhere, that is not a valid excuse to not be paying the mortgage.

thanks for your response, looks like I'll have to move me and the boys to my mums then she has said we are more than welcome but it will feel like I'm taking over the house, especially with ds2 baby equipment. ...this is going to be such a hard time isn't it

Someone else will be along with a way round the problem.

Can he go back to his mothers and keep paying the mortgage?

It may be that your tax credits as a single person will cover the mortgage.

I'd suggest your next step is to get legal advice urgently, especially if you think he is going to be uncooperative. The marital home will be regarded as a joint asset and, even if it has to be sold, you should not feel obliged to uproot yourself and your DCs short-term. However, if you think he's going to get 'nasty and spiteful' ie aggressive and that you might be in danger, that is a different matter. If that would be the case, don't delay leaving.

thank you so much for your responses. I don't think he'll get physical, he just has a very cold streak and I think he will make things uncomfortable. There is so much to think about, I think staying at mums might be for the best so I can have a clear head and some support. x

If you're going to go, best to go now rather than delaying things. Abusive men - even the ones that are not physically aggressive - can turn very nasty once they know the game is up.

Hi shentok I'm just in the middle of splitting from my DP. We decided to call it quits 2 weeks ago (well I did, but he didn't put up much of a fight.)

I have 2 DS from a previous relationship and he hasn't treated them very well over the years so I need to make the break.

We have a large house and a big mortgage, neither of us can afford to take it on so we are selling up. I earn a decent wage so can buy something else.

But like you, I get the silent treatment for days and that's just the tip of the ice berg tbh.

I'm having a bit of a blip this morning though, feeling a bit emotional as I do miss him a lot and living in the same house is very difficult.

After Christmas you need to sit down and try and talk about all the financial/practical implications of separating. It's very difficult and if you have a baby I really sympathise but sometimes you just have to make that step.

Be strong (easier said than done I know)

thanks louby, I hope ur doing ok It must be hard for you! We only moved last year so when we sell up it will only cover the debt we borrowed to cover the fees etc...never mind, it will be worth it just to get back to my old self again (if I can remember who she is). I'm not looking forward to all the momens of doubt I'll have, and getting used to being a single parent. I'll have lots of support, sadly dh has no family so I am concerned about how he will cope with all this. x

You can't afford to be too concerned about your STBXH. Seems he is in this situation precisely because he has manipulated you into believing that you are responsible for his happiness and then exploited that belief. Using his bad childhood as an excuse for poor behaviour is also exploiting your feelings of sympathy. Someone who accuses others of immaturity and playing the victim .... and then deals with conflict by locking himself in a bathroom and turning on the silent treatment ... is a hypocrite. You say you don't know who you are any more. This has all the hallmarks, sadly of a psychological bullying relationship or emotional abuse.

So please stop worrying how he will cope because this 'poor me' act iss how he's kept you on a string for 9 years

You will be lucky if you can get any legal advice before 6th January (I contacted solicitors last week and got told this)

Relate do offer a separation service which you go through the practicalities of separation and agree how your going to do it all (with relate counsellor there guiding). Your agreement isn't legally binding but in the short term may help you get your head around things. I think its about £45.
Unfortunately they are off until 6th January too.

I guess do what you need to to get through the holidays and go from there. My marriage is also going through separation, its tough. Holding your hand x