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Original poster

3 month old baby and no libido at all

26 replies

afrikat · 23/12/2013 05:13

Since our first baby was born 3 months ago my DH and I have only dtd twice. The first time we has to stop as it was still too painful but the second time was enjoyable, if still a bit odd feeling down there. The problem is I have absolutely no libido at the moment. I know my DH is very keen (bordering on desperate) for our sex life to resume but the more time that passes the less I want to.
Yes, I'm knackered and its really rather off putting having a 3 month old grunting and flailing his little arms in the cot next to the bed but I just have absolutely no desire. Please tell me this is fairly normal at this point and I haven't suddenly gone off my DH :/
All other aspects of our life are great - we are both loving being parents and he is an amazing father. We are having alot of fun with our gorgeous boy but I feel it's important we get our physical relationship back on track

OP posts:
AndIFeedEmGunpowder · 23/12/2013 05:20

Normal. Quite impressed you've DTD twice already! It gets better.

ninjasquirrel · 23/12/2013 05:26

Are you bf? The hormones can bugger up your libido quite apart from the other factors about having a newborn.

Original poster
afrikat · 23/12/2013 05:28

Yes, ebf a v hungry baby! And apparently am now suffering insomnia too since baby has been back asleep since 2.30 yet I am still awake..

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/12/2013 06:22

You have to reassure DH and yourself that this is normal & that it doesn't mean you don't love each other. Lift the pressure whether self-imposed or otherwise. In the absence of actual PIV sex be as physically affectionate as you can - cuddle, hold hands, kiss etc - because this will tide everyone over until the fatigue lifts and your body feels more recognisable.

HappyAsASandboy · 23/12/2013 06:34

This is completely normal - I am impressed you've done it at all by three months!

I may have been quite an extreme case, but it was 18 months before my libido returned. As it happened, my period returned two weeks later, and I became aware of how closely linked my we drive is to ovulation.

As others have said, be close to your DH, cuddle, kiss, hold hands with no pressure or expectation of sex from either of you, and it'll come back. You are rightly focusing in yourself and your very new baby, and your body has little left for feeling desire for anyone else. It will improve as long as you maintain your relationship until it does :)

cjel · 23/12/2013 12:47

Completely normal, well done for even trying so soonXmas Smile

muddylettuce · 23/12/2013 14:23

It is normal. I think dp and I tried around two /three months but not anywhere near on a regular basis until...probably 5 or 6 months after having DD. I think 6 months was when I started initiating it and feeling a bit more myself so don't worry, just take your time. It helps when you have a bit more time and energy to spend time by yourselves, I mean have you even been on a date yet?

PoppettyPing · 23/12/2013 16:40

Oh god I am in the exact same boat. 3 month old ebf baby and sex is the last thing I feel like doing. I think bf sucks the desire right out of you..tricky hormones.
We tried a month ago and it was too uncomfortable for me..we are very cuddly and loving and DH is putting no pressure on me but I know how you feel!

Ullapull · 23/12/2013 17:44

I only felt my sex drive return at around 12mo to be honest (still breastfeeding, probably a factor). Only shagged maybe twice in the first year post partum.

3 months is such early days, you're still exhausted, any time you get alone you just want to relax or sleep, and having the baby in the bedroom doesn't help. But it's normal, don't worry, just keep communicating with your DP, explain how you feel and he should be supportive. You're doing an important job looking after your baby.

BunnyLebowski · 23/12/2013 17:47

It's totally normal OP.

I wasn't interested in even trying for 6 months. I was in full on breastfeeding earth mother mode!

Any decent DP will completely understand Smile .

MerryFuckingChristmas · 23/12/2013 17:49

Completely normal. Don't let your "desperate" (really ?) partner put any pressure on you if he tries to.

MrsWolowitzYouAMerryChristmas · 23/12/2013 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeanutPatty · 23/12/2013 18:02

Young baby and bfing means priorities which is sleep and making it through each day. Sex was the last thing on my mind.

AnUnearthlyChild · 23/12/2013 20:11

My god.

Totally normal.

ZenNudist · 23/12/2013 20:24

I was going to reply 'no shit' to yr thread title, cos its such a normal thing. Sounds like you need more support than that.

It's such early days. I hope yr dh can be supportive. It's not good to be pestering you for sex when you've been through such a huge experience physically & mentally & now you're caring for a baby.

By 9months post partum I felt like my old self again but still wasn't keen on dh touch my boobs as still bf.

Shellywelly1973 · 23/12/2013 20:33

Do other mother's think the lack of libido is down to bf or tiredness?

I remember after my older dc who I ff from birth, I felt 'normal' within weeks.

With each dc I bf for longer & obviously more tired due to older dc and being older!

YokoUhOh · 23/12/2013 20:38

Defo down to bfing! DS is 13 months and this weekend was the first time I'd actually felt like snagging since before he arrived. He is a boobmonster; apparently bfeeding hormones keep your libido at bay (and mean that you can't self-lubricate easily).

imip · 23/12/2013 20:40

As others mentioned, bf kills my libido. It returns with the onset of ovulation. Cool really, it shows how as a species we are ready to reproduce once we have moved on from feeding a baby.

Must admit, a 7, 5, 3 and 1 year old have a pretty rubbish effect of libido as well!

CailinDana · 23/12/2013 23:32

It would be more unusual if your libido wasn't affected. Things change very often in the first year. You might feel now that you'll never be back to normal but you will. Your life changed massively only a very short time ago. You need time to adjust. Everything else including sex goes on the back burner for a while. It's normal and won't be forever. Enjoy your little boy, he won't be little for long!

Minnieistheglittermouse · 23/12/2013 23:33

Extremely normal! Took me a year to want to like before. All resumed fine over time. Don't worry.

Iwaswatchingthat · 23/12/2013 23:38

We did not even attempt it until dd1 was 12 weeks old.

After that it was great though. It felt different to pre baby as we felt closer and it felt more loving, something exclusively adult just for us!

But starting before you are ready to is bound to be hard. Allow yourself some time.

SomethingOnce · 24/12/2013 00:23

Totally normal, I'd say.

And I'm pretty sure it's the BF, not the tiredness. I too rediscovered my libido when I stopped breastfeeding and my cycle returned.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 24/12/2013 00:25

V normal.

mustardtomango · 24/12/2013 07:45

Me too! 3 mo, no libido, dtd twice and ebf. Dh is super keen, just can't elicit any passion for it. Interesting about bf affecting it, hadn't even thought...
Glad I'm not alone Smile

annieorangutan · 24/12/2013 08:04

We were doing it a couple of times a week at that point but we are all on one level so baby goes in our room and we used to pull duvet on to living room floor and sit cuddled up watching telly, have sex and have a relax when dh got in. Its what kept me sane as couldnt go out as much so enjoyed my nights in at that stage.

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