How do I handle DH family

[Princessjonsie]

My DH family have all turned against me. I have always been the target of his mums hated. Except for 18 months when she turned onto my BIL. We have a unique approach to finance which works for us. She does not approve. We both work full time . My DH is the bigger earner by a long mile. We split all the household bills 50/50. When it comes to buying presents he buys his son and I buy mine. Same with the family. Last Xmas he refused to buy cards and spend more than 10 each on presents. I knew his mum would be upset she didn't get a card so I took my last 10 pound and bought all his family cards. I did have to use a cheap shop. When we arrived and gave out the presents and cards the atmosphere changed. The three days we were there were horrendous ( not for my DH who was the blue eyed boy). Jump to his bday when he did not get cards and presents from his family. He posted on FB thanks for all the presents and cards he did get. His sister had a rant that she had sent one. When I got up the next day there was a card to go to the post office to collect a parcel. I collected it and texted his sister to let her know it had arrived and he would get it that evening and I'm sure he would be calling to thank her. She attacked me stating she wanted to call me and give me a piece of her mind. I said this was between her brother and her and I was not getting involved. She was having none of it and continued. She told the mum I had threatened her ( I didn't) and all he'll broke loose. At first my husband backed me but very quickly has made up with his entire family. I'm now excluded from all family event. I don't stop him going to his family and have never asked his to choose. This year he is going alone on Boxing Day Nd coming back 3 days later. He has bought presents for everyone and they are playing out happy families on FB posting about how they are looking forward to seeing him and his son at Xmas . How do I cope as getting upset that I am the focus of this vile family hate every though I have only tried to do good. Best bit is the dad is a priest and she is supposed to be. Christian ?

Why didn't your DH make it clear that he was the one responsible for the £10 presents?

It seems to me that his actions are key in this.

Seriously? They have all turned against you because your DH is a bit tight and useless with his present/card buying regime? Have you mad it clear to them that none of this is anything to do with you?

Unless I have missed something I think they sound like a mad bunch of wankers and you should relish any opportunity to give them a wide berth. And I include your husband in that.

My OH's family are 100% toxic I have nothing to do with them at all and dont give a shit what they think about me. After 2 efforts when I discovered what they were really like I made it clear Im not involved in their silly passive-aggressive games, and thats that. He doesnt bother me about it, however. In your case OP your husband is gaslighting you by causing issues, then sitting back letting you take the blame, then as the blue-eyed boy he can go running back to his family whilst you are left out in the cold as the 'bad one'.

I wonder if his family have always picked on him, if he's always been the family scapegoat? hence constantly craving their attention & approval? This can result in always wanting others (not family members) around to blame, and deflect flak from him. Causing scenarios and then running back to family who wont see this as him being loyal at all, theyll just kick him again. After all their treatment of you is directed at him, at spoiling his relationship. On the other hand it could be that he is just like them but his passive aggression is in a more underhand way so its not so apparent to you. Again, could be to do with upbringing. Not suggesting I am right, but do you think it could be a possible scenario?

Why did you even get involved in present buying, as it sounds as if you know what theyre like? why & how do they know all about your financial arrangements? & by the way Id have told texted his sister right back, told her to piss right off and never contact me again. She ran to mummy to say you'd threatened her?! What kind of family are they?

You are only involved with this family via your DH, so hard as it is dont let them get under your skin. I hope you have your own family, and that they are decent people? Sadly what will cause you an issue now is, your DHs complete disloyalty in maintaining strong family ties whilst knowing theyve shunned you. He isnt a child, he has left home and formed a relationship with you. His 1st loyalty should be to you. The dad being a priest doesnt mean he wont be a horrible person by the way, anyone can appear to be good on the outside yet be rotten inside. They must all be very miserable people if they need to project this kind of negativity as a family.

Stop looking at the FB posts. Sit down with your DH and get this sorted out once and for all - if you can as sorry, he doesnt sound to have any sense. 3 days away from you, to spend with his family? Dont they all have partners, who will also be there? Are you going to sit at home in misery whilst he's gone? If at all possible, take yourself away somewhere if he insists on going. Anyway, complete disloyalty and I hope you find a way to get through to him that, he is being ridiculous and needs to grow up.

The way to respond to all bullies is to either challenge or ignore. Giving into them is cowardice... not a good character trait. Your DH should be sticking up for you far more than he is.

Thanks for your advise. I have taken a lot of it onboard. I have sat down with DH and told him that I no longer want anything to do with his family. They are dead to me. I understand if he wants a relationship with them but not to involve me in any way. I have asked that he does not discuss me or our relationship with them in any way( if they ask to just say everything is fine thanks) and in the same vein not to discuss them with me. There is a family wedding next year which he is not attending as he says it is one thing to visit at Xmas but another to attend a family function without me. He will properly lie and say he is working but what the hell it's up to him. He came home with cards from his sister which I asked he didn't display and he agreed and they went into the bin. I am trying the ignore them and they will get fed up approach but have told him I will never be involved no matter what happens again. Hey they can't live forever can they?? I will be free one day lol

Oh I also took the three days to visit my family and spent extra three days with my mum and son ( who upon hearing what was going in stayed and extra three days from Uni ) and caught up with old girlfriends from primary school is a good time was had by all and did not miss him at all so he did me a favour in many ways lol

Your last 10 pounds? How much discretionary cash are you usually left with after splitting everything 50/50?

Yes, I wondered about that. Dw and I earn on a 60/40 basis, but it's all one pot.

I, too, blinked a bit at him earning heaps more than you, but splitting household costs 50:50, and you still reached into your pocket to cover up his stinginess, and took flak from his family...Will you going NC with his family really be enough to put your marriage on a sound footing?

Your husband sounds like a massive twat.

The reason we do is is that before we met I bought a house. This was a security thing for my son. I wanted to make sure I had something to leave him in case anything happened to me. I worked hard to keep it when he was growing up . When I met my DH he came with nothing . He did not contribute to the mortgage on the house. He signed away any right la to the house when we married ( it's pre marital property anyway so it's covered).. When we moved and rented I rented this house out so it's being paid for by the rent I receive each month . So in effect it's paying for itself . If anything should happen to me this house belongs to MY son only. That way I am providing for him. My DH son will get nothing. If we mixed our finances I would legally have to include this house . If I died I could not guarantee that my son would get the house so on legal advise this is the best way of doing it to cover my son. I can't take from him and expect to keep my own. Fair works both ways. This is why we do it. Plus if he split there is no messy split . We walk away and I have the house . Way to many women do not look after themselves financially and go into a marriage fill of hearts and roses. I went in knowing if it went wrong I had a home and security for my child and myself. I was 41 when I married and had been In Many a relationship where I was left with nothing when it went wrong so I covered my bases this time lol

I can totally understand your reasoning for protecting your house but I wonder, why did you get married? Marriage is essentially a way to join your lives together but it seems you've remained separate. There's nothing wrong with remaining separate but doesn't it sort of defeat the point of marriage?

We are together in every way apart frm finance. We are never apart and are totally in love. He is very protecting and loving. Don't get me wrong I have a wonderful life and he spoils me. On nights out he pays and he treats me constantly . When it comes to spending on others it's a different story . I can have what ever I want. It's his spending in his family that has caused this problem. I was happy as we were and never pushed for marriage. He was the one who wanted me to be his wife and he known by that title. I was happy living together although I am proud to be his wife and take his name.

He is not either "protecting or loving" if he allows his family to treat you in this way.

Protective? Loving? Spoils you?
But has effectively sided with his family against you, and is condoning their appallingly unfair treatment of you by visiting them at Christmas, leaving you out?