The reality of being on my own...

[Shellywelly1973]

I asked dp to leave 2 weeks ago. Low level problems. Poor communication. I feel unsupported&not listened to, no social life. No common intreasts. I do majority of stuff with dc. Both work too much. 3 dc, 2 with sns. Baby is due in 5 weeks.

You know what it was bad before but it's hideous now. I'm literally house bound due to ds8 ASD& ADHD. He won't leave the house & hasn't been out since last Saturday.

I got the tree & decorations down from the loft yest- I'm totally wrecked today.

I've no support. No family near by. No friends.

Dp wants to come home. I know it's awful but I feel like I have to let him. I don't have anyone else.

wwyd??

It is still very early days and you obviously gave a lot of thought into asking him to leave, you need to give an equal amount of thought into accepting him back. Also bear in mind that it is Christmas and that is exhausting when you are on your own.

If you still love him then maybe continue being separated but have relationship counselling and see if that helps. If you don't love him then would it ever work?

Have you got in touch with support service sin your area? Surestart might be a starting point and your local Childrens Centre. Also, there might be a support network for parents with children who have ASD locally. Maybe ask your Health Visitor?

I really feel for you! I have 3 kids and am on my own, like you no friends/family nearby, and it is difficult.

It would be a pity to resume the relationship with DP simply because he's the least worst option. It must have been pretty bad for you to have split in the first place. Agreeing with the PP is there any help you can get locally with your DCs? Does your GP or HV have any ideas? Also, even though your family are not nearby, is there someone you could call? Do they know that you're in difficulty?

I wouldn't rush into a decision.

It's very early days. It is bound to be unsettling for everyone, plus it's Christmas which makes things worse IMO. I'm sorry your DS is having trouble, that must be very tough. I know Xmas can exacerbate things too with ASD.

I would say find some support. Speak to your midwife, GP and try to find a way for your ex to support your DC's without moving back in. I doubt much will have changed in two weeks in your relationship, so it's unlikely to be any different in the long term.

I think I rushed into asking him to leave. I seen my GP last Friday. He told me to talk to my hv who will turn up after the baby is born. He offered me anti depressants after the baby is born.

I spoke to the DCT about putting care in place for the Christmas holidays but they couldn't with a CAF being completed. D's was already on holiday so I couldn't get the CAF done. Will get it done as soon as he returns to school.

No play schemes running in our borough for children as complex as ds as SS don't pay anymore, so payment comes from children's personal budgets. My d's doesn't have a personal budget yet. These play scheme's range from £350-£425 for 25 hours care.

NAS in this borough act as a directory service. I actually use our neighbourin borough's NAS services as it better funded & organised.

It's the reality that this morning I needed to pop to Argos but I can't leave ds on his own. So my younger ds has only half his Christmas presents.

My family are spread all the SE. My mother is a whole other thread, she's an alcoholic who thinks I should have got rid of this baby & my youngest ds. I've NC with my older sister for many months now. I haven't seen my brother since last Christmas. He's in Scotland.

Dp isn't a bad person. He thoughtless at times & annoys me a lot of the time. I just feelike realistically I can't do this. It's not fair on my dc. My older ds has been great but he works 2 jobs & has his own stuff to deal with.

I will be on my own with 4 dc in just a few weeks. I will be forced onto benefits. I will have to involve social services to access care services...All because I don't want to deal with dp-I actually think I must have been mad to ask dp to leave & if he didn't come back I wouldn't blame him!

Then, being pragmatic, talk to him about returning to the family but not because you're desperate and can't cope. Make it that you're willing to try again but only if he steps up to the plate. Have your list of conditions .... better communication, better social life, counselling (if appropriate), finding a common interest. Stay strong and use the opportunity to improve matters rather than appearing to be desperate, grateful and going back to same old, same old.

Agree with cog.

This could be the shock he needed. Don't let him know its because you 'need' him there. This doesn't have to be forever either. Things will be slightly different in 6 months remember.

Lol! He's not stupid!!

Social stuff, counselling etc is all really nice but in our circumstances not realistic!

I know on MN it appears so easy to ltb but in the real world sometimes you need to settle for what you've got. It's sad but true...

Thanks for your replies. They make me realise my limitations & that I need to remember how different my life is to others. Not in a bad way but a realistic way. X

Can't the DP come and look after dc while you collect Xmas shopping? Or DP get presents and drop them off?

'not realistic'.... by which do you mean because you have kids with various handicaps, basic things in life and relationships (like kindness, support and feeling valued) no longer apply to you? Settling for what you've got is fine as far as it goes but there's nothing to stop you from demanding more.

Maybe it is the shock he needed and he may make a change and be the supportive man you need

Exdp is workin today. Even if he wasn't he won't put himself out for me.

I called my mum as i thought i need to pull myself together & finish off Christmas. She hadn't got back to me as to what day she was coming. She's not coming but acted as if I was unreasonable when i said the dc would be disappointed as we've no other family to invite...It's just typical really. She didn't come last year & was 1 road away from our house.

ExDp has made plans to go to his Aunts Christmas day. Then hes working until Thursday when he leaves for Scotland for a long weekend.

I'm such a prat. I'm now on my own with dc all over Christmas. I deserve it for not appreciating what i had. It appears i was the one that had a lesson to learn & I've well & truely learnt my lesson.

I thought he'd miss us but it appears not. My family couldn't care less...but I knew that. I will suck it up & get on with it- not much else I can do!

Just to add dp is working upto Christmas. Then going to his aunts Christmas day. Leaving from his aunts boxing day to drive to Scotland!

Has your exDP made no attempt to be in contact with the children? No offer to have them over the holidays?

BTW... you can now legitimately go for a formal co-parenting arrangement.

I am so sad for you and your situation.

You do need practical help from somewhere.
Any good neighbours? Church help?
I dont know what help you are entitled to, if any, with your sn children?

OP - it sounds like you could really use some help, and you're working on that with CAF, etc. but the help doesn't necessarily have to come from exP. And sometimes you just have to hang in there a bit longer. Cog has some great suggestions for you! I'm really really sorry your mom isn't more help; that's where you're really missing something. Not all parents are the helping kind, though, are they? Mine weren't either. Is there a neighbor or friend who can give you 2 hours break? Is there a friend who can take Cs to a play center?
Or - you tough it out for a few days and plan for something after Christmas? You'll be so proud of yourself for getting through these hard times, and with a little imagination (special Christmas breakfast?) you and the Cs can be a tight happy family.

No. Hes only off this weekend & he'll be in Scotland.

He told me 2 weeks ago he will only have them one day a month. He gets one long weekend off work a month. He will take them from the first Saturday he's off in January which is 25th January. He can take days off in the week but rarely does.

He's still not found anywhere pernament to live so hes told me he won't be able to keep any of them when I have the baby.

He's paid the mortgage this month but it's the last month he will pay it. I hoped to finish work last Friday but i can't as I'm now so worried about money. I will go & see the bank in January to see what i can organise. It's my house. I bought it before I met dp.

He's made it clear I'm on my own!

One day a month? Not planning to have any of them when you have the baby? He's not in the real world is he? I think you urgently need legal advice on both contact and financial support. But you said originally that he wanted to come home. Something changed?

One day a month?! You have 3dc and one on the way and he will see then one day a month?!

Wtf.

Listen- if this is who he is then yes, I get that it feels like you've lost out but really- he sounds like a twat.

I know that doesn't help you. Is there anyone that can come and at least give you a few hours to yourself? Even an hour. It sounds like you at least just need a. Break to have a breather and collect your thoughts. Do you have a friend that could come for an hour while you pop out?

Ps- have you got maintenance sorted?? If not- contact the CSA tomorrow. It's still a working day tomorrow.

Agree with others, shelley please hang on in there until you have legal advice/tax credits/maintenance/CAF sorted then reassess. Just because you have little support from elsewhere doesn't mean you have done the wrong thing.

I will get tax credits if I reduce my hour's. I'm going to look into it as I'm not sure if I can just 'decide' to earn less as I'm self employed. We would have avery different life style... I'm the main earner it's incredibly difficult to stop providing for your family when you've always done it. Ive also thought about selling the house but that's a bit scary to deal with at the moment!

He earns minimum wage. After CSA take 25% & he pays out for accommodation he will barely have enough to live on. I think the csa in theory is fine but in practice I will get sod all off him. I would rather know he was going to have the dc once a month then a pathetic amount of maintenance.

He's only ever been at home, one weekend a month for the last 6 years. He works rotating 24/7 shifts. His holidays are allocated so we often don't even have an annual family holiday.

I don't have anyone to help. My grown up dc live a few hours away. My oldest ds is going to come down when i have the baby for a few days.

I've looked into paying someone to do school runs etc after the baby arrives.

Ds8 carer is on leave until 10/1. He goes back to school on 7/1 so it will be easier after Christmas.

I can't make him see the dc if he doesn't want to...can I?

Legally speaking, the working assumption based on what is best for DCs post a split is that access starts at 50/50 with both parents, obviously depending on various practicalities such as working hours, distances, accommodation etc. I can't imagine what kind of job he has that is so antisocial and such long working hours but only pays minimum wage ... but it's certainly going to be worth getting legal advice to see where you stand. It is unfair that all the responsibility falls on you alone.

It's a driving job...He was made redundant 6 years ago. He took a driving job with the company he's with. Then left to try & get back into what he had being doing. That was night work so even worse. Company went under.

He went back to this company but the pay had been reduced dramatically. He didn't have much choice but to take an almost identical job but earning a lot less. He can work 70 hours a week but still doesn't earn as much as I do. It's totally soul destroying. Hes no qualifications. No education. Too old to re train. Middle aged so not exactly much going for him...

Blood hell- even I feel sorry for him!

"...I can't make him see the dc if he doesn't want to...can I?"

Of course not......which is why I can't understand some of the "its unfair... see a solicitor to see where you stand...50/50 access advice".

Strategically, if he has to pay CSA child maintenance however, that might 'encourage' him to have the kids more, because he pays less money for each night they stay with him (if overnight contact is on the agenda).

Now for the bit where I can't be your friend...

...You kicked him out because YOU didn't like how things were (which is your right), but now you're considering having him back simply because YOU are finding the consequences of YOUR decision to be inconvenient - i.e. you're happy to exploit his utility because you need the help?

Please, do the man (and all his faults) a big favour in the long term, and don't have him back.