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Original poster

Help! Thinking if leaving/crap sex life/affair/very confused

14 replies

Feathers1981 · 22/12/2013 23:32

Going to try and summarise and make this short as poss....could really do with some advice :o(

Been with DH 7 years and LO under 2. DH is kind, likes to kiss, cuddle, trustworthy, great dad and nice person. But we've grown apart. I've always had a higher libido than him and after about 3 years together we went to therapy to try and resolve my rejection issues and him feeling pressurised to have sex that differing libidos caused. I feel I've constantly tried to bring new and exciting things to the bedroom but sex isn't on his radar unless it's the end if the day and we are already in bed. I would love to have sex twice a week (more if poss) but he'd be happy with twice a month or less. And most of the time it's over within a few minutes (that's been going on as long as I can remember). I talked to him about it nicely but openly months ago and said I feared it would end up driving us apart as rest of our relationship suffering as a result. At that point we'd not had sex for 3 months and although we have now it's not often and nothing's really changed. He's done within 2 mins and I know that's going to be case so just want it over with. :o(

In July a good friend of mine and ended up kissing one night very unexpectedly. Very out of character for both us and think we still shocked we're in this position. I craved the sexual attention and thought it would be brief and end there. Now it's gotten more serious and we're in love and he wants us to be together and have a baby. He's married also, been with same person for over 20 years with 2kids but they have lots of issues (known for a while b4 we got together). I'd love to be with him and can see us being very happy despite the complications of our new life, but I'm worried that having a crap sexlife is a stupid reason to end a marriage when I can't complain about anything else....am I being unreasonable? I'm not in love with my husband at the moment but I'm not saying I never could be have no idea if I can cope with this being our sex life forever but really don't think it will change....

I'm 32 btw.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feathers1981 · 22/12/2013 23:33

That was meant to be sad face not grin....

OP posts:
RedLondonBus · 22/12/2013 23:35

My only advice is to split from them both, then see how you feel further down the line

Handywoman · 22/12/2013 23:37

I'm not sure how the hell you are supposed to resolve problems with your dh while involved and emotionally invested in an affair ! Can't think of anything more constructive to say sorry.

MasterP0 · 23/12/2013 00:00

If the roles were reversed how would you like your husband to handle this situation?? I ALWAYS try to treat others how I'd like to be treated even if it's breaking up with them, most of all be honest with yourself and him! Lying and cheating is not the decent thing to do OP!

MasterP0 · 23/12/2013 00:03

...and btw some people can live with little or zero sex, for ME that's a deal breaker! And at 32, JESUS CHRIST MARY AND JOSEPH, can you imagine another 30 years of " gone in 60 seconds" enough to send me to an early grave!

antimatter · 23/12/2013 00:25

sort out situation with your dh
make all necessary decisions and move out so he is your ex-dh

what's stopping you?
guilt? convenience?

going through separation will be hard enough

he has to do the same

if you rush things you risk straining relationship with your soon to be step kids as they would forever blame you for the breakup

you are saying you perhaps want a child with this man - then half siblings won't get on
no need to complicate your life forever like that

Bogeyface · 23/12/2013 00:27

You need to seperate you marriage issues from your affair.

Are you happy with your H? Can you see yourself living this life forever? If not then you need to split with him as kindly and fairly as possible.

While you are making the decision about marriage you need to break off your affair. Only when (and if) you are free can you evaluate whether your affair partner is a long term prospect. Dont forget that you leaving your DH is no guarantee that he will leave his DW.

Frankly I smell BS on his part.

Bogeyface · 23/12/2013 00:27

sorry for spellings!

HorsePetal · 23/12/2013 00:39

Yes - agree with bogey.

If your marriage is over then you need to end it as quickly and as kindly as possible.

Then, if your friend is still available and has broken off from his marriage (which frankly I doubt) then you can re-explore your relationship

RollerCola · 23/12/2013 06:45

If you truly want to be with your affair partner the only way it can happen is if a) you leave your husband and b) he leaves his wife.

There is no other way. If you carry on the affair your husband (& his wife) will most certainly find out and there will be devastation. You will be hated by a lot of people & will always be known as the one who broke up her family by cheating. Can you live with that?

You only have 2 choices as far as I can see. End the affair now and work on your marriage. Or end the affair temporarily, divorce your husband, hope that your other guy leaves his wife, then start a new relationship with him once the fallout has calmed down next year.

Please don't carry on with a secret affair. Your husband and child deserve better.

FloWhite · 23/12/2013 08:04

having a crap sexlife is a stupid reason to end a marriage when I can't complain about anything else

Do you realise how immature, selfish and naive your OP reads?

Your poor H.

FloWhite · 23/12/2013 08:11

And IMO it's not your decision as to whether your marriage is over. You forfeited that right when you started with OM.

Joysmum · 23/12/2013 08:12

Your husband deserves honesty in your marriage so if the lack of sex really is a deal breaker (and you're not being unreasonable to want sex) and you do want to remain in the marriage then he needs to decide if he wants your marriage to remain sexless or if he would be willing to allow you to satisfy your desire for sex outside of the marriage.

Lastly, if you are going to leave your marriage, do so because you want to leave your marriage, not because solely for another man.

Fairenuff · 23/12/2013 12:08

Wow, that's a very insensitive me, me, me opening post.

Regarding this - I would love to have sex twice a week (more if poss) but he'd be happy with twice a month or less. And most of the time it's over within a few minutes (that's been going on as long as I can remember).

If you were so dissatisfied right from the start, I am surprised that you stayed with him and went on to have a child with him.

Your marriage is obviously over, there is no love left there, that is clear and you have treated him very badly. Why have you not ended it?

As to the affair, you will trample all over other people too, is that what you want to do?

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