pickled husband: confront or deny?

[sallybean]

My husband has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. There is never an evening that he doesn't drink, to excess, and whilst he's perfectly 'normal'(ie, no violence, tempers, erratic behaviour) the drinks are becoming more 'secretive'...here's a couple of examples: I bought Tesco own brandy for a recipe - he finished it off after I'd gone to bed, and replaced it & then drank it again (I mean this stuff is HIDEOUS!!). Tonight (5pm), whilst I played upstairs with sons he quietly opened a can of lager, drank it, recycled the can & washed the glass...I know because I've started sneaking a peek at him when he's alone. And its the secrecy that bothers me most. The problem is- do I accept this is his flaw (stressful job etc) and that he is a great dad (& never drinks in front of kids) or do I confront? & what do I say???
Any advice - greatly received x

Hi there, I have no advice as it isn't something i've dealt with in the same way. However my mum was a raging alcoholic for a good number of year following PND. She was "functioning" in the fact that she had a job etc. but it almost cost her her family and her life (she almost died after drinking home made moonshine I know idiot) BUT she has now been sober at least 18 years so there is ALWAYS hope for someone.

She once said to me though that you have to let someone reach their rock bottom before you can save them. At least in her case she had to realise that she needed help before anyone could offer it, it can't be forced. I wouldn't confront, if its a genuine problem and he is hiding it then he knows that its wrong but IME you need to wait for him to want to help himself, confronting him will only make him try harder to hide it.

The hiding would be a big deal to me too. The fact that he 'never drinks in front of kids' would be an issue too - if it's not an issue, why hide it?

Do you want things to continue as they are? Do you want to leave? If no to either of those questions then, yes, you need to confront.
Has this been going on for a long time? Has he ever tried to stop drinking before?

I did text him with absolute dismay about the brandy (couldn't phone him at work) and he did have a 'dry' night that evening...but it didn't last. The knock on effect is that I don't find him attractive because I feel like I'm being deceived so I struggle to stop finding fault with him all the time (I know that's a dreadful thing to admit as its not very helpful). I don't feel that I want to leave him, but there is a huge gap between us at the moment, which I don't think will close until this is addressed....however, I appreciate what you say about trying to help someone who isn't ready to be helped.

Thank you for the hope, climingthewalls :-)

I dont agree with the reaching rock bottom thing.
I think confront, kindly and firmly. He might be relieved that you know and then you can face it together and get some help for him.

I would be more inclined to perhaps try and find a reason that might be making him drink, is he stressed/struggling in any other aspects of his life?

On the note of not finding him attractive, my Dad has said that was exactly how he felt too (we recently talked about it for the first time in depth.) He said that all he could see in her was the fact that she was destroying her family from within. They have now been married for almost 25 years (together for 30) and are quite obviously very much in love. I honestly believe that if you love him enough and he can find the strength to overcome any issues then any spark can be re-lit with effort.

You need some proper advice and support please call AA

Sorry majestic I was only quoting what the only alcoholic I've ever met said to me.

I also know that my mum still categorizes herself as an alcoholic so if it is a problem for him be prepared for it to possibly always be a problem. For example my mum still can't even have a sip of champagne at a big event as she just knows it will end in catastrophe.

Definitely AA, they are meant to be fab!

I can't see any reason behind it to be honest. We moved (countries!) for his love of his job & he has a great circle of colleagues & work friends...in fact, if anything, I should be the one drinking- I've left all my friends, family, inner circle of support for his work happiness!!! (Not meaning to sound bitter, I'm not, just lonely at times!)
I think I shall observe over Xmas & suggest, firmly but lovingly, that we share a new years resolution of not drinking other than, say a Saturday night, and see how that goes. Hopefully this won't be too confrontational, but will let him know that I know & am concerned.
What do you think? Middle ground???

Climbingthewalls, when I worked in this field, it (the rock bottom thing) was a commonly used myth to allow alcoholics to carry on drinking, like an excuse to not face up to their problems and to put that off to a later date. But I do agree that they have to be ready to get help though, no one can fix it for them.

I think that's a great idea, Sally. Say that you've noticed the alcohol intake creeping up and you should both start the new year happy and healthy.
But If he doesn't stop you have a different issue to face.

Do you feel he drinks to the extent that it'd be harmful for him to stop suddenly? If so, he really needs professional advice. My estranged Father quit drinking (a longtime alcoholic) and he died of an oesophageal bleed a month later, he should have had medical support and meds to wean off. I don't want to alarm you but if he's drinking dangerous amounts he needs help to reduce.

Good luck

Go along to an Al Anon meeting. They are fab and you will learn a lot about how to deal with your situation.

He doesn't sound like a great husband or dad really, if his primary relationship is with whatever bottle he can find. If he is drinking secretively and you are policing it (observing it) that leads to a lot of emotional distress once you start realising you can't actually do anything about it. If you talk/confront him most likely he will promise the world (and hide his drinking better).

My advice is that if you want to learn how to cope with it, you need to detach and learn how to look after yourself and stop focusing on what he is doing, as there is nothing you can do to stop an alcoholic drinking. And if you try you will hurt yourself in the effort. What you also have to accept is that you have the choice whether to put up with it or not. I am not saying LTB, but just realise that there is a choice and park it in the back of your mind for the future if it is needed.

I think you have to confront him as a first step. Secrecy on top of excessive drinking is a really slippery slope and no amount of stress at work is a good excuse. The confrontation needn't be unpleasant. You're worried about his health, want him to get some medical checks, know about the secrecy, think some honesty is required about quantities etc... But I think he has to know you know what he's doing, understand that it's serious, and appreciate that, if he does nothing to address it, there's a lot at stake.

There is nothing you can do to fix another person's behavioural choices - I know this from bitter experience. But you can start the conversation.