Relationships

[Hopeforfuture27]

Hi, I am in desparate need of support, my husband of 10 years has had an affair lasting about 6 weeks, about 3 weeks intimate (to my knowledge) before I found out. When I first found out there he had no remorse or guilt, he actually enjoyed admitting it to me...we were having problems in marriage...I had become really negative and depressed over a number of years and I certainly let myself go physically and had no self esteem.....he probably installed a lot of that in me. I knew he felt the same way as I did.....we were just plodding on.had lots of arguments and all our arguments were just blown out of all proportion, a lot of them I admit were caused by me. Well anyway he blames me totally for affair and said he had no where to turn and didn't know what else to do, so decided he was just going to hurt me by having an affair. I was devastated and I pleaded with him to give the marriage a try (we have 2 young kids), he agreed and for the last few weeks I have been trying hard to put right the issues I have, he has not been trying at all. He is also still in contact with the OW, telling me he isn't, but I have discovered txt messages on many occasions and they are in touch daily, not sexual, he says just as friends and I think that to be true. He has told me repeatedly he knows he can't be friends with her and we will never move on when she is in our lives. We have had another big argument today about him being in touch with her......and he has now told me he is moving out in new year (once we play happy families for kids Christmas and our families) to try and see if us spending time apart will help him get back feelings for me. He says that is why he is still in contact with her, she is his support blanket cos he is so unhappy with me and he has do much resentment for me and anger he is actually getting pleasure from hurting me. I haven't told anyone about any of this at all, not family friends or anyone, I have tried to deal with it all on my own. You know what I am going to say now, I love him desperately and I want him so much, I would move heaven and earth to be with him, even after all this....he is one of your typical men who you would never think would have affair. Us splitting up will literally devastate 2 families and I don't think he has even considered any if this or is thinking straight in anyway. I do think the time apart is something we have probably been needing for sometime, we take each other for granted and the marriage has been going nowhere for sometime...I just put it down to bad spell....and I admit I didn't do much to try
Fix it. H is very deep and it is do hard to get to him. I know everyone is going to say why would I want him, but I do, more than anything. I just don't know where to turn the pain is incredible, I have read do many posts on here and people are so supportive.

blimey - first of all his affair is not your fault, nothing you have done to cause this. Secondly if he is going to continue contact with her, plus show no remorse, I think you need to kick him out, and now - today, not New Year. Let him see what he is risking losing.

I'm so sorry you are going through this and I understand how you are feeling.

You seem to blame yourself completely, it is important to remember that you are not to blame. He is the one who is doing wrong.

Marriages go through difficult times and both of you need to put in the miles to work things out. It sounds like he checked out of your marriage a while ago and nothing you say or do will change this. He is being incredibly cruel to you.

You are hurting, I know the pain but you have to look after yourself and realise this is not your fault.

He sounds very controlling. I do think it's important that you tell people in RL, they will support you through this and you will need them to help you.

I have had tremendous support on here, keep posting, we will all support you.

I am sorry, but he is on the way out and there is very little you can do to keep him, nor should you want to.
While you are begging and doing everything you can to keep him, he'll have no respect for you, nor you will have for yourself. A marriage should not be like that. Both of you should want to be in it, and he doesn't.

You say you didn't do much to try and fix your marriage, but what did he do? He went on to have an affair.

He has every right not to want to be married, regardless of the impact on your families.

Let him go.

I am just so desparate, I am ashamed to tell my friends and family but I think I need to to try and get me some support and have someone to talk to for advice. I know all my friends are going to tell me to split from him and I am hurting so much I just can't bear to here it. I want him so much, for us to be a family and for us to have what we had. I don't know the person he is just now, he is just so angry with me all the time, he is normally the most mild mannered patient guy. It's like he is trying to be someone he is not and never will be. He has said do many cruel cruel things and you can see he is getting enjoyment out of keeping hurting me. To be honest I think I know when he moves out he will probably never come back, I know people say the pain will get easier but right now that seems impossible.

I am going through something similar (no other woman, but a fiance left me very unexpectedly after a stressful life situation) so I know how the shock of betrayal feels.

I will give you advice that I wish I had followed myself.

Take your power back. Leave him. stay calm, don´t give him any more tears.

If he truly loved you, eventually he will try and win you back, on your own terms. If he doesn´t truly love you, you will find out...and really...accept that you don´t want to be with someone who doesn´t love you anyway.

Don't contact him, don´t speak to him and use the time apart to make yourself feel good about you again. Meet up with friends, get to the gym...the more fun you are having the more he will come to miss you.

All this advice is what I think drives men back when they have lost value in their wives.

However, for my situation, I loved my man with all my heart and would never, ever, ever have left him. So deep in my heart, whether he comes back or not - I know he will always be less in my eyes and that maybe when he does want me, I won't want him anymore. don´t think for a second I don´t understand how painful it is when kids are involved because our kids have been torn apart with this but it´s not your fault.

It´s hard (and believe me I know) but don't we all deserve someone who wouldn't do this?

Thanks for the support already. The OW loves him and I know that to be true.and the thought of them ending up together is more than I can bear to be honest, it was quite a close friend and she has a child and to think of him being a "dad" to someone's else's child is unbearable. He says he does not want to be with her, does not want to be with anyone, but once he has left me he is only going one place. Her marriage is over, they are still together but I know she is just waiting on her chance to get with him. To be honest it all feels so surreall, like it is happening to someone else. I know I need to stay strong for kids but I know I am just going to totally crumble when he goes. I do blame myself, cos I have changed over the years and I hate the person I have become, I used to be so confident, bubbly and friendly, now I am just negative all the time, and I know not a nice person to be around.

Thanks sarajane, this is what he keeps saying about OW they are just great friends and they just have fun, have a laugh, do all the things that we haven't done for years. I love him more than words can say, I know even in the last few weeks I have become a doormat, I am laying my heart out to him on a daily basis and he has lost all respect for me. But I keep asking myself, if he has felt like this for years why has he not went before now, I really think deep down he does love me and want to be a family. When he goes I am going to make such an effort to have fun do all the things I have said I would like to do but don't ever get round to. That is one if the the things I know annoys him about me I am always full if great intentions but don't get around to them. To be honest I want to do all these things for myself too as I don't like the person I have become either...he loves his kids more than anything so he will want to spend a lot if time with them, so I will use that time for me and get myself sorted. I know I am babbling I am just so all over the place and I can see no future just now at all. I have never and prob never will experience pain like if again.

You need to keep clam if you can. Show him the door and be strong.
He's a long way from shacking up with the OW- you are assuming they will do that. But a lot of water has to go under the bridge first- she has to leave her DH and maybe he'll fight for her? it's not a forgone conclusion at this stage that she and your DH will be a couple.

There is a huge difference between having an affair ( to hurt someone) and living with the OW day to day amidst the fall out there will be coming to 2 families and their kids.

Affairs are exciting- selling 2 homes, sorting out the settlements and being a 'new family' are not as exciting as new sex.

My bet is that they will not end up together and after a 6-week fling that would be pretty silly anyway.

If he wants space, let him have it, but my money is on him trying to claw his way back to you when reality hits him.

How are you doing tonight Hope?