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Original poster

child maintenance & christmas day...help

23 replies

lolathemagnificent27 · 22/12/2013 13:37

looking for some advice, and if anyone has been through similar. I've posted on here several times and always found it so helpful (although not sure of relationships is the best place? )

anyway some quick background first...exp left me when I was 5 months pregnant, 4days before we were due to move in together. I was left no where to go as I had given up my flat and the house was in his name. also turned out he had been cheating on me the whole time anyway with his previous girlfriend SadAngry

we had little contact throughout the pregnancy, I was devastated to say the least and after DS was born he had regular contact and has him every weekend (I chose to work weekends as childcare is too expensive)

exp repeatedly tried to make a go of things but I couldn't after the torture I had felt and after seeing how very unpleasant he can be (refused initially to pay CM because 'your breastfeeding, it doesnt cost you anything Shock amongst many other things) but he didn't take it well that I would not get back with him.

so fast forward to now, things are generally ok, we get on well enough for DS sake and I have moved on, found an amazing partner and things are fine. my problem however is exp, he works in a very well paid job, and has ten flats which he rents out. I privately rent which is a fortune and work full time but it is a struggle and after all the bills are paid have virtually nothing left, and as much as I hate it, I really depend on the cm I receive from exp to help pay rent and keep a roof over our sons head (and mine) so on sunday when I received a text from him saying he cant give me the money for another week when it should have been paid in the previous day and my rent is due to be paid the following day imo is not good enough!

we had an agreement that it would be paid on a certain day each month as he knows I need it for rent. but what made it all the more galling was his excuse. "I have spent thousands of pounds every week for the last few months on renovating two of my flats and it has sucked me dry" AngryAngryAngrySad

I can't afford to get messed around with this as it means paying rent or not!

I was very unsure aboutt telling exp about DP as I wasnt sure how he would react. I left it until a while after he had announced he was seeing someone (a 22yo. he is 37!) I can't help but feel this is because I have recently mentioned DP for the first time. I could be wrong of course, but my gut instinct, and knowing him well tells me otherwise.

I always drop DS and then collect him when I finish work on sunday, I wasnt well and was off work so asked if he could drop DS to which he first point blank refused then eventually agreed but said he will deduct £20 for petrol from the already late CM! Shock arsehole!!!

so now he has demanded that he has DS next Christmas eve into Christmas day but our agreement from day 1 was that I would have ds those days and then exp get him boxing day for four or five days.

I cant help but feel he is bullying me with the money situation. he has deducted money once before. and now is just causing grief. so does anyone know of what I can do about this ie something formally written by a lawyer re CM and holidays? it is causing me no end of stress and all I want is some consistency

apologies for the badly written thread, im at work and trying to write this inbetween breaks without reading back, thanks for reading this far

OP posts:
Strictly1 · 22/12/2013 13:44

I have no experience but he sounds awful. Can you not go through CSA and have payments formally agreed? I feel for you as no-one should be held to ransom.

UterusUterusGhali · 22/12/2013 13:48

Oh yes. My ex will give me what he sees fit dependent in my "behavior".
I went through the csa but it's a pain and he's able to hide money from them.
What an arse!

Monetbyhimself · 22/12/2013 13:49

Disengage from him, enjoy this Christmas with your baby, then in the new year, get yourself a recommendation for s good family law solicitor and get things formalised. Do you have any texts/emails referring to your original agreement ?

Keep any texts which refer to his current spending on these flats.

And contact the CSA. He sounds like an absolute git and you can't spend the rest of your life hoping that he's going to fulfil his obligations to his child.

RandomMess · 22/12/2013 13:53

Go through the CSA for money, and ensure that they know he has a job and income from renting out properties.

ARe you getting everything you entitled to regarding housing benefit, council tax benefit, working tax credit?

Original poster
lolathemagnificent27 · 22/12/2013 14:40

when I was pregnant, I mentioned csa to him. his response was that if I dare go through csa he will quit his job and make sure I dont receive a penny from him. Obviously it doesnt quite work like that but basically there is a certain insutance he needs to have when renting out a certain nunber of rooms, which reduces his rent income, so doesnt declare how many rooms are rented out in each flat (3) and was worried abiut being found out. then called me a parasite for askinh for cm! Shock

I think it would cause more hassle than its worth tbh and he would probably stop payments all together so would rather have something in writing from a lawyer. a legally binding contract I suppose. does anyone know how much that sort of thing would cost?

yes I think I'm receiving what I'm entitled to but I commute to woek which guzzles petrol then car payments etc, means I dont have much to play with

I'm not sure if I have anything in email/text about the christmas day agreement but certainly do re the astronomical amounts he is spending on his flat. (that was his own words)

OP posts:
Lonecatwithkitten · 22/12/2013 14:54

I would go to the CSA, but first write one last e-mail stating he has left you no choice.
Separate e-mail (keep contact and money separate) write confirming as in previous years Christmas contact will be Boxing Day onwards. If you wish to discuss alternate Christmas and NewYear I am happy to discuss this in January as I am sure you appreciate I have already commitments made.

doasyouwouldbedoneby · 22/12/2013 15:25

"I have spent thousands of pounds every week for the last few months on renovating two of my flats and it has sucked me dry
I hope you have kept this text as well as this is evidence of his income should he quit his job.
I final text to him now. Ask him to pay the maintainance without deducting petrol money and if he can't or won't say he has left you no choice but to go to CSA-AND DO IT.

AddictedtoGreys · 22/12/2013 15:50

hi, just thought I would say that when my DH and I got legal advice from a solicitor regarding my DH's access to my DSD, they told us that the NRP were supposed to do the collections and drop-off's anyway if they want access to the child. so your ExP should be collecting and dropping off your DC anyway and definitely not deducting money!

I would also take him to the CSA, he probably doesn't want you to go through them as he knows you would Get more money than you are and he has no choice about when he pays it.

Original poster
lolathemagnificent27 · 22/12/2013 15:52

and the christmas day situation? I understand him wanting to see his son but this will be his third christmas and only now is he bringing it up. without being completely u reasonable. .I'd ratjer stick to the arrangement we have now. perhaps its selfish but I couldn't bear the thought of being away from DS on christmas day Sad

OP posts:
SoloXantiaClaws · 22/12/2013 15:57

No answers, but much empathy :(

Lweji · 22/12/2013 16:01

Go to CSA and if he hasn't declared the flats, report him.

Stick to your agreement and stop dropping the children off.

Is he even paying enough?

MrsSquirrel · 22/12/2013 16:08

Just stick to the Christmas arrangements you have. It is way too late to change the plans.

ImperialBlether · 22/12/2013 16:15

I would email him and say:

You have two choices.

a) Accept the current agreement, pay my CM on time each month and have DS at the agreed time over Christmas

or

b) Forget the current arrangement and I will go to the CSA to arrange a formal CM figure.

In either case, it is FAR too late to change plans for Christmas.

Do you get other help, ie tax credits, OP? It seems so hard on you, financially.

Bloodyteenagers · 22/12/2013 16:24

Go to CSA.
So what if he gives up his job, he still has an income from the properties. If you went to a lawyer they would tell you the same, because this is what the csa was set up for.

Is it possible for you to move to somewhere closer to where you work? Or move jobs?

As for Christmas, nope, don't change. I am sure by now you have plans. If he wanted the day, he should have mentioned something a lot earlier.

Original poster
lolathemagnificent27 · 22/12/2013 16:54

sorry, I wasnt very clear Blush he wants DS next christmas, and wants an answer today. I would love to email but I'm collecting DS shortly.

I think I will go through csa, its not fair he can dictate how much and what date I get the money which is desperately needed. the thing is, he knows this, I think he just likes to torment Angry

OP posts:
olathelawyer05 · 22/12/2013 16:58

Just go to the CSA. It won't solve anything in time for this xmas, but for the long term, I don't see how else you can achieve any level of consistency or peace of mind re: child maintenance from him.

You obviously don't feel you can trust him, and you're getting caught up in conjecture and things that are for the most part completely irrelevant (eg. Who's got a new boyfriend / girlfriend etc.).

Yes, going to the CSA and having them look into his income will irk him and yes, you may lose the opportunity to make more flexible and practical arrangements once he is being compelled to pay a certain amount every month. However, from what you're saying, that seems like a relatively small price to pay long term.

You can probably then just put your foot down over the xmas arrangements that you had previously agreed for this year. If he wants other arrangements in the future, he can propose them to you or apply to court. Yes, it might be reasonable to agree alternate xmas' for contact, but that's a matter for you.

Lweji · 22/12/2013 17:00

Ah, don't answer today. However, in principle, it is a good idea to swap major holidays every year between the parents.

NigellasDealer · 22/12/2013 17:02

he sounds like a right charmer.
do go through the CSA though, he will not be able to just "give up his job" as he will not be entitled to the full amount anyway what with his rental income. him "charging" you £20 for drop off is beyond the pale!!
time to stop trying to be nice and go through official channels only.
this is a guy who left you homeless when you were pregnant ffs!!

Hissy · 22/12/2013 17:03

You are going to have to change the way you live to make sure that you need nothing from him.

Get HB, get the max benefits you can get and make sure you can stand on your own 2 feet.

Stop allowing him so much space in your lives. No to christmas. he's bullying you, don't let him do that any more.

NigellasDealer · 22/12/2013 17:13

also he is probably unwilling to use the CSA as they use a basic percentage of income, something like 15 per cent for one child but do not quote me on that, in their calculation.
i bet he pays you less than that.

Original poster
lolathemagnificent27 · 22/12/2013 19:39

thank you for all the replies Smile

he wants a yes to having DS christmas eve into christmas day. if he doesn't get a yes by june he will push for mediation/court case to have 50/50 'control'

am I really being so unreasonable to want to sticj to the arrangement we have both already agreed to? I suppose I am Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
lolathemagnificent27 · 22/12/2013 19:40

next year* that is. a yes to have ds over christmas eve/day 2014

OP posts:
Lonecatwithkitten · 22/12/2013 20:07

Lola my stance is that Christmas is on which ever day I choose to make it, this is how I cope with having DC every other Christmas.

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