Giving Advice

[worthsomuchmore]

Hi just wondering if I have given the right advice to my dd and if there is anything else I should add.
She has been seeing this man for about 4 months has known him 8 months. He says that though he is not seeing or sleeping with anyone else he is not sure that he wants a relationship. The latest thing is that he is not sure what he wants.
I have said that she should cut him loose and tell him when he has made his mind up come back and if she is still available she might talk to him.
He's playing her isn't he.
I have left her to think about it but is there anything else I should say?

How old is she?
has she asked for your advice?

It sounds good to me.

His stance feels like it would lead her to bend over backwards to try and engage him.
The best she can do for herself now is to cut him lose.

Surely it depends on whether she wants a relationship?

If she's up for a FWB or just casual dating there's no problem is there?

Do you know otherwise OP- that she wants a 'relationship' or are you being an over protective mummy?:)

Always thorny offering relationship advice unless specifically asked. Your view is correct as it happens but there's not a hope in hell she'll pay much attention to you if she's decided she likes - or heaven forbid loves - him. Now you've made your views known you have to resist saying more and instead go with 'support whatever you decide to do'. Otherwise you risk forcing her to choose Mum or bad boyfriend... and it's amazing how many pick the latter and pull away

Oh yes- there's nothing like forbidden fruit! And a parent telling you to steer clear is like a red rag to a bull often. It makes the unattractive look extremely appealing.

She is 19 and this would be her first boyfriend.He is 25 and yes she wants a relationship and he knows that. She asked me what I think so I told her and said that she doesn't have to listen to me. She never does normally

Actually, I assumed from the OP that advice had been asked. Not sure I'd tell my mother my bf wasn't sure he wanted a relationship unless I wanted advice.
And what should the OP say? Nothing? Or encourage her to pursue the relationship? Or things she should do to make him want a relationship with her?
I think that just as long you don't push the agenda, OP, it will be fine. You said what you thought, left her to think about it and that is all. I wouldn't add anything else.

ups, cross post.

Hmm. I think it's a little bit premature of her to state that she 'wants a relationship' with a man she's dated for a short time and it's her first boyfriend.

Usually these things evolve- no one I've known puts their cards on the table so soon and says they want 'a relationship'.

Might she be doing this because it is her first boyfriend and she doesn't really know how these things work?

But, if she wants exclusivity and some sort of declaration that they are an item, and he's not up for that, then she has to either be more casual about the whole thing AND DATE OTHER MEN TOO- or move on.

It depends what she has said to him doesn't it? Many 25 yr old men are still quite immature and no ready to settle down to a steady girlfriend, so she needs to learn this and not wear her heart on her sleeve.

I'd say it's up to her what she does, and support her, but I also think you may be wrong to call him a 'player' because he is not ready for some kind of commitment.

Thanks for all the good advice.