Male anorexia

[HMQueen]

My husband moved out of our home 3 months ago at my request because of drinking too much, spending all evenings texting/smoking in garage, no interest in me. This had been going on for 2 years and the final straw was that he got a new job, which was supposed to be fresh start etc, but he added to the mix a refusal to eat anything other than apples or cucumber. The only time we really spent together was the evening meal after DCs gone to bed and now that was gone. I have tried to make him get help for drinking and eating, but he says he is fine. He has a flat nearby and the DC stay with him 2x per week overnight. It's killing me now how thin he is and making me worry if something happened to him whilst DC were there (they are 3 and 8). I know I am not responsible for this but I feel so bad about it. I don't think he should be at work and should be sorting himself out. It doesn't help when I looked online about male eating disorders one said in older men commonly associated with a bullying wife. He is definitely depressed but has a counsellor who has now become more like a friend so no good. He has lots of friends who care about him, but has sidelined most of them so he can wallow in it all. Can I do anything to help?

Does he want to come back to live with you and the DC?

All you can do is speak to him about it, saying how worried you are.

Beyond that, I'm afraid that you can only stay hands off. Pushing him almost certainly won't work, especially if he hasn't been prepared to alter his behaviour in order to save his marriage.

I suppose you could write to his doctor saying how worried you are? But beyond that, things might have to take their course :/

The non eating may be a red herring OP, it happened with my exH but he didn't have an eating disorder, he had addictions to alcohol & drugs. Basically after I left him he was drinking at least 8 litres of dry fizzy cider per day, that was the minimum for him to function. The cider was nasty stuff, it was £2 for 2 litres sort of gut rotting stuff, & it literally bloated him & filled him up so he wasn't feeling hungry & his stomach was too full for him to eat. He lost stones.

Has he dealt with the drinking side of it yet?

Do you mean he was he eating ok until 3 months ago, but then suddenly switched to just apples and cucumber? Howis he coping with his new job?

The thing is tiredmummy if he's filling up on apples and cucumber then he is hungry but deliberately choosing low calorie foods.

I think he is deliberately choosing low calorie foods. He does still drink wine, but I don't think litres to fill him up. He would like to move back in but doesn't really accept any of his behaviour is responsible. He has done the not eating before when he had work troubles 5 years ago, but with a lot of therapy he sorted himself out. Now that shrink has left the country and he doesn't want to seek help (previous therapy was forced on him by work but can't go down this route again as different job and overall suspension from work was hideous).

Hi men can certainly get EDs and disordered eating just the same as women do. Not every person with disordered eating is anorexic or bulimic. The bullying wife thing sounds like a red herring. Causes of eds are viewed to be pretty complex.
There is a national eating disorders helpline you could contact to help talk through.
Www.b- eat.co.uk

Think you might want to have a look at
this

With any adult whose choices are giving you cause for concern, all you can do it express that concern and direct them to sources of help. If they choose to carry on regardless, all you can do is minimise the effects on you and the people you're responsible for.

Having a parent with an eating disorder can have serious and long-lasting effects on children. It can distort their own relationships with food, unless there's a strong counter-balance from the other parent(s) and role models in their lives.

So I'd suggest you get some advice from eating disorder specialists about how to minimise the effects on your children.