Can't take it anymore and it looks like the end?

[Satura]

Hey all,
I'm new here. Have been meaning to join for a while but never for round to it. Suddenly realised this evening that I have nobody to talk to and it seemed to be the kick up the bottom I needed.

Little background info, my partner and I have an 18 month old daughter who is my world. He was hot and cold to begin with (more of that later) but has taken to fatherhood since she was born and they now adore each other.

He and I have been in a relationship for around two and a half years now, although when we began seeing each other he was involved in an essentially forced engagement to the girl that everybody loved. We were seeing each other around 4 months before their engagement ended and just after he became single I got pregnant, much to the horror of his family. I've known all of them since our childhood but none of them spoke to me until my 6th month of pregnancy, at a party, where his ex publicly humiliated me and insulted our baby. Even then his family acted more in sympathy for her than for me.

Since the baby has been born my partner and I have been in a relationship. We were careful not to rush it during the pregnancy to be sure we were becoming serious about each other for the right reasons and not just because we felt it best for the baby without prior knowledge it could work. Pretty much, it has. We had some problems early on but have been very happy together as a family of three for the most part. His family have accepted me as much as they have to, except for his 18 year old sister who has shown no interest in getting to know me and resents the fact that I do not approach her to look after the baby, despite the fact that I rarely leave her with anybody, and I hardly know her.

I'm dreading Christmas as I have to spend half of the day with his family. His sister sent him a text the other day while I was using his phone the other day saying how I have him trapped then followed it up by saying it was meant for his cousin. I was gutted and showed him straight away but he made excuses. It's been on my mind for days, so today I finally opened up about it. I told him that I knew his family disliked me and that I was upset about what was said. He told me that his sister was rude and that everybody in the family knows what she's like as she is disrespectful to his entire family. Nonetheless, I know from being around them that his family will essentially 'jump through hoops' to try and appease her, and last Christmas (while breastfeeding my infant) she told some family members that I had been drinking, even convincing my boyfriend enough for him to ask me on their behalf.

After talking to him about it, my partner accused me of trying to cause tension within the family, and seeing it as 'everybody against me'. That's not how it is. I feel uncomfortable as I know I will never live up to his ex, but would happily get by if his sister was not so nasty behind my back while being nice to my face in front of their family. He stormed off to bed, shaking his head at me. Now I'm sitting here crying.

Would also like to add that he told me "if that's how you feel and you can't ignore her than that's going to be a problem isn't it?" :(

I can see that things will be difficult over Christmas and over the long term with his family, but you did have an affair with him for four months then became pregnant immediately his serious relationship was over. I'm not sure I'd expect his family to be over the moon with you, especially if they were fond of the ex.

This sounds like a right mess. You talk about the relationship as though it's lasted ages, but actually a lot has happened in such a short time.

I think you need to have a good think about what you and your daughter want and need. I can see the sense in trying to build bridges at Christmas, but do and your partner have an agreement on backing each other up and an escape plan?

I don't think it is the end. You've had a tiff about Christmas, that's all. Apart his family, the relationship seems fine. Christmas can be a stressful time, forcing families together, and expecting everyone to gave a good time.

It seems only his sister dislike you, not the whole family. I think you need to approach the day with an open friendly manner, not feeling resentment. Your daughter is now 18 month old - that will break down a lot of barriers as they are cute at that age. Allow all family members to interact and play with her.

Possibly the mean sister is a little spoilt, which is why everyone indulges her, despite her meanness.

If you wanted a smooth ride with his family then it would probably have been a very good idea to wait a bit longer until you had a child, but there is nothing to be done about that now. You say he was 'hot and cold to begin with' which implies that the PG was not planned (at least on his part) and was something of an unwelcome shock to him. I must admit from what you've said it is easy to see how his family view this as entrapment on your part. If they all loved his fiancee then it will have been a huge shock for them to find out about you one minute, and then find out the baby two minutes later. They probably all think his hand was forced because just because you were PG. Rightly or wrongly people can't help the way they feel and they will judge you based on what they see, or think they know.

Perhaps it will take a lot longer for this to heal than you have given it. Just be adult about the whole thing, don't rise to being wound up by his sister who is little more than a child, and eventually they will come round if he is committed to you.

But all this talk of an 'enforced' engagement and the refusing to stand up to his sister when she criticises you makes him sound a bit like a spineless twit who allows all the women in his life to make the big decisions for him, while he bumbles around not voicing his own opinions on the directions his life takes.

Did you definitely get PG after the engagement broke up, or was it the catalyst? The date sounds perilously close together to me.

the dates sound

It sounds to me like you need to start behaving like a grown up. You are a mother and will have to face much more difficult situations than this as you guide your child through life.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but you come across as quite wishy-washy and that's not good for you. You say that you have been in a relationship for two and half years, but you also say Since the baby has been born my partner and I have been in a relationship which is actually one and a half years.

Before that, he was treating you badly by firstly sleeping with you when he was engaged to someone else, by being careless about contraception and by being unsupportive of you during your pregnancy.

You also say that he was in an essentially forced engagement which just shows how spineless he is. He does not take responsibility for his own decisions and that's not a good sign for the future. He also cheated on his fiancé which shows that he is not to be trusted.

I think you need to have a good long think about what your expectations are and whether you really want to be with him long term. He can still be a good father even if you are not together.

To get to the problem in hand, you say that you have to spend half the day with his family. You don't, you know. It's not worth getting involved in their family arguments. You don't need that hassle. Just tell him you're not going. He can make his own decision about whether he goes or not.

FWIW my dh wouldn't go. He would tell his family that if they can't treat me with respect, we won't be there. He has his own family now. But I suspect your boyfriend is not mature enough to do that. He will side with his family over you.

Thanks for the responses everybody, I can completely understand all points of view but maybe didn't explain the situation very clearly as I was upset when I originally posted. He and his ex had broke up just over two months before I got pregnant, although as someone pointed out his mum does tend to try to make his decisions for him and was adamant that they would get back together in time (despite him telling her and them that he didn't want the relationship and wasn't interested in getting back together), hence her invitation to the family's party while I was pregnant.

I can agree that he does need to stand up to his family more than he does, he's been brought up in a very old fashioned way which in my opinion has done him no favours - he tends to let things slide until the very last minute when it all becomes too much, hence his staying in an unwanted relationship with his ex for so long.

I decided to go to theirs for the sake of my daughter - I didn't want her to have to split the day between her parents and decided to just generally be civil and appreciative of the family members who did want to talk to me. The baby was overtired and clingy so we didn't stay long and of course his sister complained about it but my boyfriend told her that if the baby was too tired there was nothing we could do and that she needed to go home to bed. In terms of us, I'm seeing what happens. The baby had a great Christmas and that's all id hoped for, hope you all did too. Thanks for your input x