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Relationships

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Original poster

WWYD stay with him or go it alone?

13 replies

morgs22 · 21/12/2013 18:24

Been with my partner for 3 years we broke up in spring because we weren't seeing each other because of his work commitments and it wasn't fair (his words) we sorted things out and started seeing each other again and everything was going great then I fell pregnant. I had never met his parents because of 'traditions and culture' to them you don't bring the girl home unless your getting engaged. So within a week of finding out I was pregnant he declares I have to meet his parents (his mother had buried her mother that week) I told him we should wait till we had got our heads round it but he insisted. I met them and they were rude, horrible and slightly racist (they're sri Lankan and im british). They told me to get an abortion and go to college and do something with me life. Then his mother started wailing and crying shouting at me that I'm 'being selfish and how could I do this to them'. We left and he said he would never expect me to be part of their lives or go through that ever again. Fast forward a couple months and they 'came around' to the idea of me being pregnant and yay its all happy families for him and he doesn't understand why I don't want them involved now that they're over it. Oh yeah they have conditions for me to be part of their family, I need to become catholic, get engaged and blessed and then married (preferably before the baby is born) and then get the baby christened. He doesn't understand my issue that I don't want to be part of their family, if anything I should create some conditions for them to be part of mine. We have argued about this every time we saw each other, I'm now 5 months pregnant and haven't seen him in a month we still text and talk on the phone but he always brings his family up and we argue then he turns it round like I brought them into it. He holds our relationship to ransom saying if we don't do it their way we cant be together and I need to accept his family or we cant be a family and hes gotta see his kid part time. We are supposed to be looking for a flat together and getting ready for the baby but I just don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore I need him to be there for me but he thinks he's helping by staying away.
Sorry its so long I just needed to get it all out.

OP posts:

flatbellyfella · 21/12/2013 18:41

Go it alone. I can't see this as anything other than a disaster for you, I am sure the majority of MN will say the same. Best wishes.

petalsandstars · 21/12/2013 18:43

Read some threads re nightmare PILs and thank the stars that you are not married to a man child still clinging onto mummys apron strings.

Accept the fact that you need to put yourself and your baby first and that he will never do that as his parents will come first. And get used to the idea of him being a nrp.
You'll do far better on your own than in a relationship with this man.

Vivacia · 21/12/2013 18:47

This isn't a situation to get your child in to. I'm with you. You set the conditions, keep the door open to the grandparents (on your terms) and tell him that's the deal.

Apart from your baby, what does your relationship having going for it? What do you like and love about him?

fifi669 · 21/12/2013 18:50

His family were shocked, they reacted badly. The things maybe they thought, shouldn't have been what was said out loud. They now see that they were wrong and want to support you as a couple, I see nothing wrong with that.

You may not want them involved, but it's not up to you. They are your child's grandparents and as the dad wants them involved they will be. You have to remember it's not just your baby.

Saying that, don't feel you have to convert to become catholic, get married etc unless you want to. You have the choice. Do what makes you happy. This has to a separate issue from your child, as they are family to them regardless.

Original poster

morgs22 · 21/12/2013 18:52

Since becoming pregnant my tolerance for his shit has gone way down, i never noticed how selfish he was until this and all i care about is my baby and making sure its happy, Vivacia i have been asking myself the same questions lately and ive told him as much. I want the man i fell in love with not this scared little boy who only wants to please mummy and daddy. I think im gonna have to go it alone no matter how hard itll be my kid needs at least 1 parent that's a grown up

OP posts:

fifi669 · 21/12/2013 19:02

By all means if you want out of the relationship, leave. Just ensure you don't cut it's dad and his family out of its life. It's not fair.

Vivacia · 21/12/2013 19:11

I thought that too, until I read that actually their love and acceptance came with a handful of stipulations.

Vivacia · 21/12/2013 19:12

I want the man i fell in love with not this scared little boy who only wants to please mummy and daddy.

Yes, your child deserves better and you won't have the luxury in a few weeks.

fifi669 · 21/12/2013 19:30

I think they're just very traditional people. DPs dad is Sri Lankan and very set in his ways about how things should be done. Luckily DP is a lot more easy going. Though if he wants to marry me I'll let him :)

Vivacia · 21/12/2013 19:32

I think they're just very traditional people.

I'm sure you're right. But plenty of people manage to be traditional without being offensive and nasty and it doesn't mean the OP has to change her religious beliefs and get married within the next few weeks.

TinyDiamond · 21/12/2013 19:34

I say this as someone in a multicultural relationship. Go it alone. Presumably he would want contact? Sorry they are being this way. Some people can be very closed minded when it comes to their religions. When we first got together we experienced similar.

Original poster

morgs22 · 21/12/2013 19:42

Of course I would still want him involved but I don't want his parents to have unsupervised time with the child as they are the type of people to push their views and opinions on it and slag me off in front of it. There's a difference between being traditional and damn right racist. I will not tolerate anyone behaving like that near my child especially not its 'family'. I don't have my parents in my life so it meant so much to me that they accepted me but such is life and I guess ill have to be a single mum because of his parents.

OP posts:

HoneyandRum · 21/12/2013 19:45

As a practicing Catholic I just want to make clear that being pressured into marriage makes that marriage potentially invalid and grounds for annulment. Marriage has to be entered into willingly and freely. Expecting a child is NOT considered enough grounds for marriage - again if you got married purely because you were pregnant you would have grounds for annulment. There should be no outside pressure of any kind, including pregnancy. Please do not become Catholic or enter into a Catholic marriage unless it is something YOU have freely chosen. Anything else the family says may have a cultural element (i.e. they want their son married to the mother of his child) but it is NOT church teaching, don't let them tell you anything different.

If you decide to stay together and you are confronting anything regarding Catholicism that will involve you I would encourage you to meet ALONE with an understanding priest before you make any kind of commitment so you know exactly what the church teaches.

Catholicism always respects and upholds our fundamental freedom as children of God. Coercion is not love.

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