Building Relations with Parents

[ZaraW]

I have never had a good relationship with my parents they were always cold and distant and there was no affection growing up. My brother bullied me until what little self confidence I had was gone and they did nothing. He died in a alcohol related road accident, he was a heavy drinker like my dad but they don't acknowledge this. I left home as soon as I could and worked overseas so I didn't have to see them on a regular basis. I am now living quite close to them to try to rebuild a relationship. How do you do it? Tried to discuss the problems but they didn't think there was a problem. Also we have nothing in common we have different views on almost everything. Both come from a dysfunctional family and have no contact with any of their family.

I think the first thing is that you accept that they are who they are. You can't use logic to explain away how shitty they are because nothing can excuse bad treatment.

So, now you are an adult. You can use logic and realise that chances are, you won't get acknowledgement, let alone any sort of apology for poor treatment. More than than, can you expect them to be any different now?

That begs the question, how string are you to open all this back up and be treated now as badly as you were then, because there's a good chance that's going to happen.

Firstly you need to look at why you want to build a relationship with them - societal pressure? Do you miss them as they are or do you miss what you wish they would be? Have you had a recent event that has triggered this or is it something you have wanted for a long time.

What are you expecting from them? They've already said they don't think they have done anything wrong - are you expecting them to change this opinion?

I don't think it is always a good idea to rebuild relationships of this kind. However if you chose to you need to be very aware of the actualities not what you want to happen, and be aware that they are unlikely to change. You need to protect yourself (and your children if you have them) as your first priority. Not that it can't work, but you need to be very aware of the potential risks and go into it with your eyes wide open.

And it will need to start slowly with you setting clear boundaries and enforcing them.

I do feel for you, my family are awful, and much as I would love to have a kind caring family I know they will never be those people. I have also heard too many stories of attempts to rebuild relationships just being used as a tool to reestablish abuse.

However every family is different and not to say it never works, for those who can set up and enforce strong boundaries it can work. They also have a very clear idea of the limitations of the relationships and people involved.

Joysmum thank you that is my problem it is a huge obstacle in many ways I don't like who they are , they are extremely intolerant . I will never get any acknowledgment from my parents on what a poor job they did my mum thinks she was great.

Armadillo thank you, it is guilt pure and simple we are supposed to love our parents but I don't. I just feel relieved after visiting I don't have to see them for a few weeks. It would help if they showed an interest I try to get them involved in discussions but they don't talk and rarely laugh it is hard work. Sorry your parents weren't great either. What you said makes a lot of sense

Bare in mind that you can take as long to decide this as you want. Not sure? Then take a bit longer.

There is something well known in this situation called FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. This is what often causes people to stay or keep going back. It takes a lot to break through it. I found that imagining another small child going through what I went through, and then what I would think they should do in my situation helped break that for me. It takes practice though.

There is a lot of literature out there (I can recommend some if you would like). There is also a forum called "out of the FOG". Some people on their keep their relationship, others keep a distant relationship and others (like me) have none whatsoever.

Dear Zara, you wrote "Tried to discuss the problems but they didn't think there was a problem." If that is the case, I wouldn't bother trying to create a relationship. I have had a very difficult relationship with my parent, but a couple of years ago they acknowledged that there were things they regretted and would have done differently. That made a big difference to me. We will never be close but we see each other now and again.

I wish you luck, and strength. Ignore the guilt.

Having children was a turning point for our relationship. It gave some middle ground. But maybe there is a hobby or something that could be a common interest between everyone?

I think it helps to totally lower your expectations of them. Expect nothing and so anything is a bonus. Changing your attitude is key. Playing the adult. My parents were crap too, they know I think they were crap, we have put it behind us and try and treasure the positives bits in the here and now. It's not healthy to dwell on the past.

Armadillo I have never heard of FOG will definitely Google. That's interesting how you cope with it. Yes, if you have any literature you can recommend that would be great. Thanks again for sharing your experiences.

Give it thank you the guilt is the hardest part raised a Catholic and still have the guilt even though I am now atheist.

Tapioca I am trying but so difficult, my mother really does thing she was a good mum. Totally oblivious to how dysfunctional as a family we are. Good you managed to work it out.

Thanks everyone it's been a great help.

When you and your mother can't be friends - if you decide to remain in contact. This was not my intention and so not for me. However good if you want info from the point of view of staying in contact.

Toxic parents (susan forward) and controlling parents (dan neuarth I think) for explanation and understanding of the situation and your upbringing and its affect.

Children of the self absorbed - nina w brown- is hard work and not for when you're feeling fragile, but is very good. The focus is exercises for you to work on yourself.

Feel the fear and do it anyway - old but classic. Not specific to the situation, but very useful for all areas of life

Will I ever be good enough - for working on yourself, not as hard work as the nina Brown one and I found it good.

I got all of these through amazon. It depends on what you are particularly looking for as to which is best. I did get a bit obsessed at one point with finding the answer that would make the pain magically go away hence the number of self help books I own

Thank you, yes I do want to remain in contact but not enough to spend Christmas with them, I fly out tomorrow to avoid it....

Thank you I will check them out on Amazon, I wonder if there isa book for understanding the Catholic Guilt.

Thank you, yes I do want to remain in contact but not enough to spend Christmas with them, I fly out tomorrow to avoid it....

Thank you I will check them out on Amazon, I wonder if there isa book for understanding the Catholic Guilt.

Probably - there is pretty a book for everything out there

I know there is a website for Christian support for those with difficult families, with biblical quotes and analysis against those using "honour thy mother and father" as a reason to put up with abuse. I'm not religious so can't remember what it was called but could be useful.

www.luke173ministries.org/

I think this is it - very interesting on forgiveness and what the bible actually says about it.

Daughter of narcissistic mothers site has a good selection of book recommendations - including some more religious emphasis. The forums are now closed but the rest of the site is still up.

Armadillo fascinating I am reading Why Do I put up with this garbage. I am not at all religious now but this is really interesting understanding and empatheic .

I think our ideas about family often come from being part of a traditionally christian culture - the whole honour your parents thing, the mother as saint kind of ideas, the emphasis on forgiveness regardless of what people have done. I think this site seem to tackle these ideas and show different interpretations.

I'm glad you're finding it helpful.

It's great I have quite a few Irish Catholic friends who are religious and are extremely close to their family though they would never discuss these kind of things with them as you say they honour their parents.