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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to get over the (six) seven year itch?

52 replies

itchyandscratchy · 20/07/2006 21:43

Have been with dh for nearly 8 years and married for 6. We have 2 kids. He's the only long-term relationship that I've ever had that I've still fancied the person after a long while; the others have gone a bit sexless. But the other relationships I had were based on personalities and even though I didn't fancy them after a while they still stimulated me mentally and made me laugh.

Dh is gorgeous and I fancied him for ages before we got it toegther. He's doesn't fit in with previous personality types though as I'm the one who is outgoing; he's quieter & quite sensitive. We get on very well, he's a fantastic dad and our sex life is generally very good (although has tailed off a bit last month or so).

I hate myself for this at the moment but he's getting on my tits just by being himself. Familiarity is starting to breed contempt and I'm sure it's all my fault. He's done nothing wrong really but he's just irritating me and I feel myself having to bite my tongue when I hear the same old jokes and sayings.

I've never been in a relationship that's lasted this long and I just want to know if this is normal and I'll get over it. I'm ashamed writing this and I feel like a bitch. He's noticed I'm quieter than usual and I can't be bothered making it up with him if we have a disagreement - usually I'd be mortified if I upset him. I think he's scared to ask if everything's ok in case I say something he doesn't want to hear and in some ways I'm glad he's not pushing it; I'm just hoping this will pass and we can get back to normal.

I know this is pretty petty compared to some posters - I just want to know how common this is.

OP posts:

joelallie · 21/07/2006 11:55

I think the 7-year itch is when it finally, really and irrevocably occurs to you that this is supposed to be forever. And whatever is getting to you is going to get to you for ever...unless you sort it or take a deep breath and accept it.

I had 2 little ....ahem..flings when I was with DH...one pre-marriage and one post-marriage. We had been together 6 years and 10 years at the time. It didn't help in the slightest although it gave me something else to think about I suppose.

Could you get away for a while - without DH or kids I mean - whatever is annoying you may well pale into insignificance when you realise that you miss him. That's what I need right now as I am beginning to dissapear into the wallpaper of my life ...it really really does help. If you loved him enough to marry him the reasons for that are still there. You need to get a chance to breathe and get a proper perspective on it all.

bodger · 21/07/2006 14:16

funnily enough Jasper thats what dh did leaving me to raise 3 small children. its not something to say as a joke

Original poster

itchyandscratchy · 21/07/2006 22:40

Sorry to hear that bodger. I agree, it's not much of a joke.

THis is really hard. I'm sure I do love him, and I do try to look at him objectively sometimes, to remember what attracted me to him in the first place, and it kind of works...

But I feel so irritable towards him, like he can't do anything right and I'm sure he's getting bad vibes from me which makes him more self-conscious and therefore it's more forced, and so more irritating. Poor dh. I feel like such a horrible bitch, but I still can't snap out of it at the moment. I think maybe I do need to get away for a little while. Or maybe just me and him? I've not really been myself since number 2 was born - I'm finding it all quite hard and thankless (hey, everyone else says - 'welcome to our world!') He's trying his best to help out and make it a bit easier for me but I can't even summon up the decency to be thankful for that. What's wrong with me?

OP posts:

toadstool · 21/07/2006 23:58

Maybe the boredom is also about tiredness and feeling trapped (by the kids as well as by routine)? Are there things you know he could change that would improve how you feel?

jasper · 22/07/2006 00:15

bodger sorry to offend you.
Hope things turn out even better for you and your three x

squishy · 22/07/2006 10:11

itchy, sometimes I wonder why DH and I are together, can't remember what first attracted me to him and our circumstances have changed a lot over that time and, in essence, we're both different people after 9 years together. We've been through some times where I just wanted to run away and some times when I thought I didn't even like him anymore. But these were usually short lived and something just clicked back into place (fingers crossed, every time). The physical side of our relationship has been the harder thing from time to time (especially during pregnancy!). I agree with the above, having separate interests is very important. Good luck! Sometimes the best relationships are hard work, but worth it.

Astrophe · 22/07/2006 10:53

dh and I have been married only 4 years, and I get like that sometimes to. And now is a hard time as we had our ds (no.2) 4 months ago. You start to feel like 'just' a house keeper and Mummy, not a friend, lover, wife anymore. We will have some counceling with a friendly helpful councellor, have a weekend away (once I stop bf ing...in a year I guess!), and we are also attempting to have a weekly 'date' at home...nice dinner or takeaway, dvd or something, no computer or mindless telly. its hard though, with two tinies.

I'm of the opinion that these times can go either way. If you work hard, stay commited,and work through it you will end up stronger and closer, but it will ruin you if you let it.

hth,
best wishes.

DogMum · 22/07/2006 15:01

itchyandscratchy, you don't say how old your youngest is, but you do say that you haven't been the same since number 2 was born. Have you considered whether it might be postnatal depression? It can happen some time after the baby is born. It might be worth checking with your doctor. Afterall, it's treatable.

You don't sound like a bitch at all. You sound like a really nice lady who wants to make her family work.

MargotTenenbaum · 22/07/2006 18:56

Hmmm,can definitely relate to your problem itchyandscratchy.I've been married 8 1/2 years but with dh for 10 and have a 2 year old. I think even though we love each other I'm bored and looking for something else. I think while parenthood is very fullfilling you lose something that you once had. I personally don't feel as attractive as I once did. My dh tells me that I'm beautiful all the time but I still feel that I need to hear it from someone else. I suppose validation is the word I'm looking for. My dh loves me warts and all but somehow it doesn't feel the same. I find that dh can really annoy the hell out of me sometimes and prefer days when he goes into the office. We've had the big row and it ended in me telling him that I loved him but wasn't in love with him anymore. I think he chose to ignore it because we're still together. I don't know how common this problem is but please don't feel your alone in this situation.

sobernow · 22/07/2006 19:11

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 22/07/2006 20:17

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looneytune · 22/07/2006 21:03

Was just going to put what dogmum put - how old is your youngest? I suffered from pnd after ds but didn't realise for quite a while.

Molton · 23/07/2006 09:56

i think that, eventually, every relationship will hit a boring / frustrating patch. And that changing the man is not the solution (if he is basically sound because you'll just end up in the same position a few years down the line with someone else. But at the end of the day you only have one life, so I'd work on - knowing what your own short term and long term dreams are e.g. in 20 years I want to be living abroad, but in the next year I want to have one evening a week where DH and I do something just for us and I want to do a course on (whatever). Also communicating very honestly (but kindly) with your DH about what you (and he) needs. If he doesn't know then he can't help you. Lastly would think about your independence, are you always a mum / wife / chauffeur to young kids etc. What about you, the individual before you had all these roles. Maybe take a little time thinking about this and what makes you happy. Just you. May well be a little time away from H and DCs. This isn't selfish IMO, but vital for your own identity and a happy you will make for a happier family.

Very few people will be happy to do the same thing day in / day out without any change / excitement

Moomin · 23/07/2006 18:07

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SittingBull · 23/07/2006 18:30

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looneytune · 23/07/2006 21:01

For me I felt like I was going mad inside and started to wanted to end everything. Very confused feelings and when I had thoughts about harming myself, that's when I realised something wasn't right and got help. It's just a hormone imbalance and nothing to feel bad about but of course I didn't know that to start with. Not everyone gets the same symptoms though, that's just what happened to me.

angelinaj · 23/07/2006 21:12

Hun your not alone. I have been married the same amount of time and feel exact the same right now

tigertum · 23/07/2006 21:25

Someone once told me that in marriages/long term relationships have good years and bad years. I've been with DP for 7 years and I've noticed that we certainly have good and bad phases.

We've had a bit of a bad time recently but after allot of discussion, we have worked out why this is. We decided it was worth fighting for and are sorting things out. Things are changing getting better touch wood already.

Long term relationships have great potential for going sour like this by their very nature. By my experience, talking things out properly helps you gain perspective and work out the route of the problems. Deep down you'll know if its worth fighting for. Times like this can make you come out much stronger and happier on the other side.

Original poster

itchyandscratchy · 24/07/2006 08:30

Our youngest is under a year old. I've thought several times whether it might be PND as I've felt very low at times since the birth but I've also felt 'normal' for long periods as well. I've never wanted to harm myself or contemplated anything more drastic than running away for a few hours to be by myself (which I did!). We do all the different-interests stuff, we have a healthy social life and we socialise with our own mates and with shared ones; we try to go out together when babysitting allows (maybe once every 3 months alone but more often when we're with other people); we go a way alone (sans kids) at least once a year for a weekend, although this hasn't happened this year yet as the baby isn't a brilliant sleeper and I'm loathe to inflict that on my inlaws, who the kids stay with.

I'm usually a big one for having everything out in the open and talking about stuff but I'm hoping this patch will pass and we can just get on with it; I'd hate to have to tell dh some of the things I've written here, I'm sure it would really hurt him. We spent the weekend with some friends and it went really well and I enjoyed his company; we got to talk with our friends quite a lot and it was nice seeing him interact with other people. I'm hoping this will just continue to build, and the feelings of indifference/annoyance will fade off and we can carry on. I'm not expecting this not to happen again, it's just it hadn't happened before.

OP posts:

DogMum · 24/07/2006 13:37

sittingbull - I think there's a questionnaire that midwives/health visitors have. Depending on your answers, you are diagnosed or not. Anyone been through this who knows for sure? (I'm pg with my first and so have read about everything, PND included, but really know nothing.)

PND is treatable though, so don't suffer in silence. (Please will someone tell me that in a few months time.)

looneytune · 24/07/2006 13:41

I just wanted to say that not everyone gets quite as bad as I did so please don't think you don't have it just because you don't have those feelings.

I just told my health visitor I wanted to talk to her as I was feeling low, I burst into tears (told myself I wouldn't!) and she asked me the 'Edinburgh Scale' questions again and said I had it bad. Even if it's not that bad, PND still needs to be addressed - doesn't go away by itself!!

Good luck

looneytune · 24/07/2006 13:41

I just wanted to say that not everyone gets quite as bad as I did so please don't think you don't have it just because you don't have those feelings.

Good luck

looneytune · 24/07/2006 13:43

LOOK AT THIS - Edinburgh Scale !

youknowwhat · 24/07/2006 16:30

Just a quick remark about this questionaire : even if you don't mark very high with it it doesn't mean that you don't have PND. The way you answer depends a lot on how YOU think things are supposed to be. If you have any doubt, or if you feel that things are getting harder, it is worth talking to your GP or your HV.
Not sure though this the issue with you tchyandscratchy but it would be worth having a look at it.
Re your husband, I think having a child is creating big changes in a couple. As others have said, try to have some 'couple' time planned ahead AS WELL as 'me' times. To feel better about the others, you need to fell good in yourself first. Perhaps it will sounds starnge, but have you thought about having an acticvity on your own (and leaving your child with your DH) ?

Han4Dan · 24/07/2006 16:34

my marriage ended at 7 years but it wasn't because of that my ex was a twat!!

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