What is it all about?

[stupidmeorstupidhim]

Ok so I am married and friends with a man who is in a relationship.
He has asked me to come and help chose some soft furnishings for his house. When I said doing that would not go down well with my DH (understatement) he seemed genuinely shocked that I could not do as I please with my time.
More back story is that he is a lot younger than me. He is a very tactile person with everyone and maybe I have taken that to mean more than it does.
After a xmas do he sent me messages and tried to call me in the middle of the night.
He had a very frank loaded conversation (to my mind) about how he was bored of being in a stable relationship and how enjoyed "the chase" much more.
Am I a stuck in the mud? I don't understand!!!
What do you all think?

He wants to have sex with you.

And with many other people

Stupid him. You should be able to do as you please with your time and if your dh really would prevent you choosing soft furnishings with a mate (without the other history) I'd think that was a bit of a red flag you were in a relationship with a controlling man.

That issue aside this guy has poor boundaries and sounds as if he is using you for cheap "the chase" thrills which is disappointing and also highly inappropriate. I would think the best thing to do, having already tried to set boundaries he protested against, is distance yourself.

Is this man also a friend of your husbands or just yours? I can't decide if your dh is excessively possessive or if he's picked up on something he should be worried about.

Well, if your DH woukdn't "let" you go shopping with a friend,that s a problem in your relationship.

But if you know you shouldn't go because, although it if flattering to be on the receiving end if anyone's attentions, you know that this man is a philandering shit - then I cannot see what there is left to 'understand'

My Dh, I think is very reasonable and I am a very lucky to have him I think
.
I am sure my DH isn't the problem at all. He encourages me to go out with my girlfriends.

This is different as it is a male friend.

Cloudschicken - my OH doesn't know him at all or of the invite.

I maybe have a crush on this guy because of the attention he shows me which probably gives mixed messages :-(

My dh would also not be happy about me going shopping with a man he didn't know and I would not be happy about him picking out soft furnishings with a female friend I'd never met. I wonder if this man is acting surprised as a way of challenging you to see if he can get you to go. I think I'd dodge it, I suspect soft furnishings aren't the only thing on his mind

Why is it different because it is a male friend? That's really not an acceptable attitude IMHO that he is allowed to dictate what you are allowed to do with your friends. I'd say you have two separate problems - a controlling husband and a 'friend' who is angling for an affair and stepping on your boundaries.

Agree with what cloudskitchen said. I I think this guy is clearly up to no good, and your DH would be entirely reasonable to question a shopping trip.

Spending time with friends, male or female, is ok if it doesn't threaten the relationship with the other half. But choosing soft furnishings implies some interest in ... erm ... soft furnishings! I'd consider it an open threat.

If he's in a relationship, why is he not inviting the person who would share use of the soft furnishings to help him pick them out? That would be kind of logical, surely.

Anyway, it's best not to be flattered by that kind of attention. It doesn't prove you're devastatingly attractive, even though I'm sure you are; it just means he thinks you're easy pickings, which is the opposite of flattering.

Bet you by "soft furnishings" he means beds...

Thank you...I thought I was going mad. I know I am not without fault but he is a shit isn't he?

Glenshee - is it also 'an open threat' if the person picking the soft furnishings is female or then is it just girlies doing girlie things? Because really that's what I'm angling after.

This guy is clearly angling after an affair and I think by the sounds of it in quite an intimidating way. That however is irrelevant to the idea that a woman should be blanketly banned from spending time picking cushions with a man.

I dislike this idea that spending time with a married woman when you have a penis is 'threatening' to a marriage in and of itself. I think it is an indicator of misogyny - that the woman must be prevented by her male owner from being seduced by other men, who naturally are all predatory and competitive.

I'd have been raising several eyebrows if my male partner chose another woman to pick up soft furnishings with him. That has nothing to do with spending time with another woman.
Unless he wanted to pick up a present for his wife.

But why? What about if he chose another man to go with?

If I was this man's partner I'd be raising eyebrows but that'd be because he is actively propositioning people.

I really hate the whole idea of gendered behaviour like shopping for soft furnishings and that men/women can't be trusted together as a general principle.

Well, he sounds sleazy.
But I think it's wrong to say that a husband is fine cos he encourages you to see girlfriend! A specific issue with a specific male friend might be justified.

My current boyfriend is a new one. About 3 months. We're both divorced because of ex cheating - so attuned to that possibility. An old male friend of mine was working locally, came to stay with me. He's v talk so he had my bed.
I texted boyfriend (who was coming over first thing) "just so you know, Friend is in my bed, so don't decide to slip under the covers for an early snog".
No issue whatsoever with seeing a male friend, and them staying.
That's how it should be.