At what time do you get angry?

[Karbea]

My DH lost his mobile yesterday in a cab, so he is phone less.
He normally gets home from work around 8.

Just wondering at what time I can officially be p!ssed off ;)

Posed = p!ssed

Was he ringing your mobile or house phone? I'd use one to ring the other and see if the call gets through....either your phone is broken or there's a good chance he's a liar!

He rang the home phone. Oh yeah I'm pretty sure he is lying, but that's probably because he knew (thought) I'd go ballistic. Due to how naggy/moanie I've been lately. He doesn't help himself (which is why I get angry), if he'd just called this afternoon and said there were work drinks later, I'd of been fine, he wouldn't have had to lie etc.

But clearly now he knows I can't say anything. He says he's tried to call, I can't prove he hasn't, and he was late due to work, again I can't prove this isn't true. But I have caught him out on that before, but is it really worth moaning about, he won't change, guess he feels he needs to lie to me for some reason!

I suspect much more to this than a quick pre-xmas drink after work

Really? Like what?

You feel unable to express your disapproval. He does what he likes and you have to STFU. You feel resigned to the status quo. You are blaming yourself for being a "nag"

Shall I go on ?

It seems weird that he would lie about work drinks. Could he be having an affair?

I wasn't thinking affair, tbh

I was thinking this is not a pleasant to be, for you

pleasant place

You seem very quick to assume he's lying. Most partners would surely think oh dear, what a horrible night at work, rather than he's been drinking but won't tell me?

What does he habitually lie about?

Yes but seriously all we've been doing lately is arguing and I'm so, so tired of it. I'm sort of at my wits end because I don't want to keep arguing, it sort of feels like we are caught in an arguing vortex or something. So I sort of figured if I just don't react, maybe he wouldn't feel the need to act like an arse iyswim.

But if you've better ideas for harmony, I'm all ears!

I think lying about the drinking is due to his excessive drinking earlier in the year, which became a massive bone of contention.

Affair? Umm I doubt it, but isn't it always the ones you don't suspect? Personally I think drink is more likely to be the other woman.

He has been known to lie about anything and everything (this is mainly fuelled by alcohol), things like not drinking after work and then the next day us seeing a colleague of his and that chap asking how DH hasn't a massive hangover, to stupid stuff like saying he has unpacked the dishwasher when he hasn't!

You know patricia I really want to think like a normal person, so although I don't, I'm going to iyswim. Like smiling when you aren't happy eventually makes you happier kind if thing.

Gosh, that sounds very difficult to live with. How do you tolerate it ?

I have a better solution to this sorry situation where you are so tired of stating your case that you give up and roll over

You won't like it though

By screaming at him! Seriously!

And I can't do it anymore, it's driving me nuts. I do believe for every action there a reaction and I don't know how we got into this place, so this is why I'm thinking of just not rising to it, and seeing where that takes us...

Umm this thread went off in a direction I didn't realise it would!

Such as leaving?

This is my second marriage, I bailed too early on the first and have no intention of doing that again.

No No No Karbea, that's not what i intended. I meant that you clearly had reason to doubt, as most would't as they had no reason to. You suspect he's lying because he often is. Don't just smile and accept it, it will only get worse and worse.

And this really doesn't sound like bailing too early! Many would have bailed very early on in the lies. You deserve better.

Define "too early"

When you STFU for a quiet life and because you know it will achieve precisely nothing to stand up for yourself, I would say that was erring on the side of "too late"

I don't really know what to say to you all to be honest. I really want my marriage to work, most of the time he is lovely, we've just got into a rut lately where I just pick at every little thing (you have to believe some of this isn't worth moaning about) but I think it's because things were so bad for awhile, he did really really upset me for quite a few months and I did very nearly leave, that even the smallest thing now makes me erupt. Whereas those things probably don't warrant such a big reaction. My gut is tonight he is lying, but again my gut is that he feels like he has to lie. F@ck knows why. But I think it's some kind of coping mechanism... You know like a little kid hoping if they lie and aren't found out they won't be told off :/

It's ok, love. You don't have to justify to us. We are just reacting to what you have said. An explanation from you isn't required x

No I know, but I guess it helps explaining it to myself. The thing is he made a massive change with the drink, but what happened before really hurt. I just wish we could wipe the slate, start again... Guess I've just got residual anger... And being a man he just lies to try and keep things simple. I just need to exorcise the anger and give him a chance, if he really f@cks up again, then perhaps that is when it'll no longer be "too early".

Thanks for the therapy sess ladies!

It's not a given that just because he is a man he will lie to save his skin

he could be a better man, there are lots of them

don't blame yourself for his poor choices