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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Don't know what to do

3 replies

shitlife · 20/12/2013 08:56

Found out a few weeks ago that h had been cheating on me after accidentally seeing some dodgy hotel bookings on his email (it was on a shared computer) and then some receipts which he left lying around. Am still not clear as to the extent of the cheating because I don't really want to know, I think I would go crazy. He claims that it was all just flirting and dating and going out and that was it. There seems to have been more than one person, although he seems to be more serious to one in particular. They are mainly women whom he meets in his line of work. He is a salesman and sells things and travels a lot. Obviously put the blame on me, I never paid him any attention, not enough intimacy, not enough this and that, and he wanted more bla bla. Which is all true, because we have issues going back to when I had DC1 and I was cold to him for many years after that. But he never bothered to resolve the issues. Life has also been shitty over the past few years. One of our DC has been struggling with a life-threatening illness and I have spent the best part of DC's life in and out of hospitals. My dad also died recently after a terrible and long struggle with numerous terminal illnesses. Anyway I thought we could work things out, and I was willing to do so, and he claimed he wanted a happy family so ok fine. I thought I might be able to forgive him eventually and I have been trying to. Mainly because I don't see how a divorce would work. I am a sahm and I can't imagine going back to work except maybe at a fast food joint and I know he will want the house and he is not likely to give me anything. ILs also do not like me and will definitely encourage this. They have probably long waited for this day. Anyway after I thought I was doing quite well, I suddenly saw on his email today (again on the shared computer that DCs use) that he had signed up on a couple of matchmaking sites, and it seemed to have been done after I found out and questioned him about his cheating, earlier this month. After today's discovery, I suddenly don't think I can do this anymore but as I said, I don't think I can survive in a divorce. I don't know what I am looking for on here. Maybe just a place where I can cry to. I never saw all this coming. When I married him I thought he was a good bloke and would never hurt me. There weren't any major signs except that his phone is password protected. I guess I was just too dumb to put two and two together. He has remained loving and committed all this while so all this has come as a shock. When I married him he seemed the safe choice. I never expected this shit to be a serial cheater. I don't know what he is doing on the matchmaking sites though. He is looking for older women though, Is that weird? Anyway sorry to be so long. I can't tell anyone in RL yet but need to vent.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/12/2013 09:06

I'm sorry you're in this situation. Must be a horrible shock. However, I think a lot of what's hindering you at the moment are your (understandable) fears about what life would be like as a divorced woman. You need to get some proper advice because I think you'll find that you are better placed than you currently imagine. Finance for a start.... as a wife you have various rights and, as a husband, he has various obligations. For a start the house belongs 50% to you, as do any other marital assets, and possibly more given that you have put aside your earning potential to raise children. The children are entitled to maintenance and also shared parenting. Which means that he can no longer assume that he can run about travelling for work all the time... he will have to co-parent and he will also have to contribute a fair amount of his earnings. On top of that there is quite a lot of state help for people who are out of work and, currently, maintenance payments are not regarded as income.

Please do get some RL support and confide in someone you can trust. Then talk to solicitors, CAB and other agencies that can give you really good information on your options. Don't stay with someone who treats you this badly when there are alternatives.

LineRunner · 20/12/2013 09:06

It is not in his power though to keep the house and not give you anything. You need to see a solicitor, and they will tell you what a likely divorce settlement would actually look like. You can and will survive this. Loads of us have - it's hard, yes, but it is much better to be alone and independent than with a tosser.

Also please take advice also about tax credits and benefits.

Then you can make a decision about your (really quite unpleasant) husband from a position of knowledge.

Lweji · 20/12/2013 09:22

Yes, lawyer up and see what you are entitled to. Not only you but the children. You may be surprised.

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