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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How can I get MIL to open up?

10 replies

nomorecrumbs · 20/12/2013 00:11

DH comes from a rather reserved family. Lovely people, just rather formal and not very open. I've known them for years and even spent a couple of years living with them at one point, but never felt like MIL has relaxed around me. I always get the impression that she is thinking lots of things but biting her lip and that makes me feel awkward.

I'm quite outgoing and chat happily to her about random crap but find it tricky a lot of the time to get a natural conversation flowing as at times she just won't respond at all; she just seems to kind of stare or change the subject. She's a little quiet around other people too but it seems worse around me. It's not coldness, or snubbing, just an odd lack of...cordiality?

Any ideas on how I can just get her to say whatever she wants to me? I'd rather have her criticise because at least then I'd have something to bounce off!

OP posts:
Casmama · 20/12/2013 00:18

Is it possible that she thinks you talk too much?
Some people can't bear a silence whereas others are quite comfortable with it and only really speak when they have something to say.

nomorecrumbs · 20/12/2013 00:19

She is surrounded by people who talk a LOT more than she does with me Grin

It's not just the lack of talking - I just get this horrible tense feeling around her and tend to pick up on peoples' emotions very easily. I just want to try and break through this barrier.

OP posts:
Casmama · 20/12/2013 00:25

In that case maybe you have to ask her if there is a problem, in a far more tactful way than hat obviously!
If she doesn't come up with anything it may just be who she is- you could always get her drunk Grin

nomorecrumbs · 20/12/2013 00:31

She is a little more relaxed when she's tipsy but it's still a bit tricky to get close to her. I'm so used to talking about personal things with my friends/family that it's odd to have this distance with MIL and I'd dearly like her perspective on everything. But it's almost as if she's holding back all her wisdom!

I'd be embarrassed about approaching the subject. How does someone ask someone else tactfully if there's a problem? Blush

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/12/2013 07:16

You don't. Just be yourself and respect her privacy rather than making too many assumptions based on nothing much at all. You can't force someone to be your friend and 'opening up' really isn't everyone's way of doing things

SatinSandals · 20/12/2013 07:19

Are you both into walking? Long walks with just the two of you are much easier- somehow it is easier than face to face.

GiraffesAndButterflies · 20/12/2013 07:25

Ask her advice on things. It lets the other person know you respect their opinion and also is a way to get you collaborating on something. Plus people often like to give advice

Make sure it's on something where you don't mind following her advice even if you disagree though! Xmas Grin

Onesleeptillwembley · 20/12/2013 07:28

Back off! It sounds like you push her, trying to make her conform to your ways.

gleekster · 20/12/2013 08:12

OP it does sound like you want MIL to be someone she is not. To behave in a way she would not be comfortable with.
Can't you just leave her be?

Vivacia · 20/12/2013 08:27

What does your partner say she thinks about you?

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