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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel so so guilty. I'm struggling.

18 replies

TuppenceHapeny · 19/12/2013 21:30

A couple of months ago I started a thread after finding out my stepson had sexually abused my children. I got some excellent advice and support, for which I'm so greatful.

Further things have come to light since the day it all came out, and it turns out ss had been abusing my son for months and months. I feel so guilty about this. How could I not have know what was going on? I always thought that DS knew that he could tell me anything, and I'm so proud that he eventually found the courage to tell me, but I only wish he could have done it sooner. Things with DS have been quite hard lately. He's understandably angry, frustrated and upset, and this is leading to him being incredibly aggressive, shouty and violent - he's hit me a couple of times.

Thankfully, he's started pretrial therapy, but I'm so scared for him. He told me a couple of weeks ago that he wanted to die, that he wanted to kill himself. He's only nine

I feel like I've failed him so badly, and I have. I should have protected him. If I'd known I would have done sooner. I can't imagine what is going on in his head. I feel so sad that I can't make this better for him or fix it for him.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 19/12/2013 21:49

I remember your thread Tuppence.

What support are you getting? What advice have you been given? I don't know what to say about how you are feeling. I think you must know on a rational level that trusting your child with their sibling is the most normal and natural and low-risk decision a parent can make. Even safer than leaving them with their own parent.

How are things between you and your husband?

Vivacia · 19/12/2013 21:50

I feel so sad that I can't make this better for him or fix it for him.

Time will make things better for him. With the right support and counselling won't feel broken forever.

Whatnext074 · 19/12/2013 21:54

I remember your thread too and I agree with Vivacia, you need help too with how to cope and also how you can support your DS.

Awful situation and from what I understand, abusers are very careful to hide what they are doing and that includes manipulating the ones they are abusing so they don't tell those they trust.

Does your DS's school know? They should have additional support they can refer him to.

Original poster

TuppenceHapeny · 19/12/2013 21:57

Well, I will be getting counselling, from the same place that is counselling DS. When he's settled there and happy to be alone with his therapist, i'll go and see someone then, but he's only been a couple of times and as yet isn't happy for me to leave him.

Things with DH are... stilted. We are slowly talking and trying to see if we have a relationship left after this. I don't know though. I can't think about that too much atm, my priority has to be the children. He's coming on Christmas day though.

OP posts:

Upcycled · 19/12/2013 21:58

I remember your story, it's great you son is getting help.
Please find out how you can get help too. What happened to your son is not your fault.
Have a lovely Christmas.

Original poster

TuppenceHapeny · 19/12/2013 21:59

Yes, the school and all other appropriate agencies know. We were supposed to be working with the NSPCC, but they felt the SARCC was more appropriate for him atm.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 19/12/2013 22:01

I remember your thread and just want to give you all a hug, it still is early days, it's probably healthy and normal that your DS is having these feelings and very good that he is secure enough to share them with you x

Upcycled · 19/12/2013 22:01

Just a thought, maybe your son thinks it's his fault that dad is not at home? Are they getting enough time together?

Original poster

TuppenceHapeny · 19/12/2013 22:07

Yes, they see each other several times a week and talk regularly on the phone - mornings and bedtimes etc. I've spoken to him and he knows that daddy not being here isn't because of him - my MIL is actually quite ill, and he seems content that daddy is there looking after her.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 19/12/2013 22:22

At the time a few of us expressed reservations about the father being asked to leave the family home. I personally felt very sorry for him and his conflicted love for his other son and being made to choose. I also felt concern about how his other children might feel abandoned or second choice despite the cover story. I don't think it's helpful to go over that again. Tuppence is the one living this. I'm going to try my best to respect that this is her thread, her support and her safe place.

Moxiegirl · 19/12/2013 22:22

It's not your fault I'm so sorry. It will take time try to be kind to yourself.

MaitlandGirl · 21/12/2013 01:58

He's hitting out at you because he knows you love him and he's scared and confused. He's also a little boy and 9 is a hard age emotionally for every little boy with all the hormones rushing round and not feeling like a little boy but still being a child.

He's such a brave little boy and he WILL get there, the counseling will initially make things worse but as he gets older and more able to understand that what happened wasn't his fault he'll settle down. This time of year is hard anyway with children as they're worn out from school, all the dark evenings and the over excitement of christmas.

Apologies if my words aren't quite right - I know what I'm trying to say but I'm struggling to find the right words.

It must be so hard to separate 'normal' 9yr old boy behaviour from abused 9yr old behaviour but I can assure you a lot of 9yr olds are total terrors but they come good and become loving teenagers and adults.

I hope you've got someone to talk things through with in real life and that you have a peaceful Christmas.

Isetan · 21/12/2013 09:25

Park the guilt, understandable as the feeling is its usefulness has a short shelf life. In the medium to long term, it is at best not helpful and at worst, corrosive.

Your his mum; you represent that safe place, the person who will absorb the anguish and still be there in the morning. These are the reasons you're the present target for his confused and conflicting emotional state. Do not underestimate how important your mere presence is to him right now.

As for your son not telling you earlier, this is not an indictment of you and your sons relationship. The relationships board is full of adults not speaking up in less fraught circumstances. A child's mind is still in development and has few life experiences to help guide especially when complex and conflicting emotions (loyalty, fear) come into play.

What can you do for you for your son? Exactly what you have been doing. Your son is getting help, of course it feels like its not enough because nothing short of a time machine will ever feel enough.

What more can you do for your son? Look after his mum. Ensure she has access to support and a safe place to articulate her anger, guilt, pain etc.

In spite of this shitty, shitty, shitty situation you're doing okay.

SELondonSwede · 21/12/2013 11:33

Tuppence, I have thought about you and your family every day since your last thread.

Will write more when ds is in bed, just wanted to send a hug!

Original poster

TuppenceHapeny · 21/12/2013 13:24

Thank you all. I've read your messages in tears. I'm just feeling so low at the moment.

I'm trying so hard to make thing ok for him. I know I can't make it better, I'm so scared that just ok is not going to be enough. He has been so brave and dignified through all this and I'm the one that's falling apart. I hurt for him so much.

OP posts:

notapizzaeater · 21/12/2013 13:25

Awwww, have some unmumsnetty hugs. You are doing all you can xxx

Vivacia · 21/12/2013 13:34

I'm so sorry to hear how you're feeling. Don't know what else to say other than to remind you that you won't always feel like this.

DontCallMeDaughter · 21/12/2013 13:36

I know your ds didn't tell you straight away but he did tell you and you have acted quickly to keep him safe. This will send him the strongest possible message that you're on his side.

I used to volunteer for a children's counselling service and the number of young people we had call who felt unable to talk to their parents was astronomical. So the fact he confided in you is fantastic and amazing and he knew he could trust you.

You're doing an amazing job. I think if be murderous in your position. I hope you and DH find a way forward even if it's not together.

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